A Modest Proposal for the Lower Ninth Ward

Humans hunting humans in the Lower Ninth Ward is the last straw. No one else seems to know what to do with the place, so I hereby take possession and, from now on, we’re going to do things my way.

Now therefore, as God-Emperor of the Lower Ninth Ward, I’m issuing a handgun to every resident who has attained the age of 26 without a felony conviction and has passed a course in gun safety. Why 26? If you have to ask, your knowledge of the numerology of the tetragrammaton is sorely lacking.

Let’s take it as read that even the God-Emperor of the Lower Ninth Ward will need a few months to create the new order. (I mean, I did stipulate that everyone has to take a handgun safety class.) The first option on course registration and a new handgun goes to anyone who admits he heard Toree Donaldson screaming on November 23 and was too afraid even to crack his door open to see what was going on. Why? Because it’s precisely the people who are scared sh!tless that I most want to arm. As for the rest of you, make the shy people feel safe and nobody will get hurt. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

My second round of Ninth Ward handgun issuances will go to the all the gay guys who are out and proud. Please, no, it’s not because they’re scared sh!tless. They’re the fashion leaders, so whenever people see one of them put a nice, neat hole in the heart of a target silhouette, they’ll all want handguns, too. It worked for earrings, didn’t it?

Women will be next up for course registration and handgun issuance. In the meantime, the remaining men can practice saying “Yes, ma’am” and “No, ma’am.” When their turn comes, priority will go to the veterans, then to the men who had the civic interest to vote in the last election, and then to anyone who can produce three character witnesses.

What’s next for the people of the Lower Ninth Ward and their God-Emperor? Why, I expect we’ll probably go door-to-door and take guns away from all the felons–at gunpoint. I don’t know. But whatever happens, it’s pretty obvious it’ll require the consent of the armed citizens of the Lower Ninth Ward. Do you have a problem with that?

Update: Welcome, AoSHQ readers; thanks for the link, Ace.

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