Archive for January, 2005

On Tap for 2005

This morning I have focused my considerable psychic abilities on the city of New Orleans, and I am happy to report that many exciting changes are on the way in 2005 (aka “The Big Nickel”). As each of these predictions come to pass, I’m certain that many of you will feel compelled to write me in wonder and appreciation. Please, fight the urge.

On Tap: the Big Nickel in the Big Easy

1. Jackie Clarkson will find a more in-your-face-extreme-to-the-max hairdresser who’s willing to give her an oversized ‘do on par with her oversized ego. This will cause some consternation among other members of the council, who will insist that Jackie acquire the proper zoning permits for the new coif.

2. Stuck on his “Hollywood South” kick, our stunningly handsome, stunningly clueless mayor will invite a host of B-list celebrities to New Orleans to sell them on the idea of shooting films here. A slew of straight-to-dvd vampire films and jazz documentaries will follow, each starring Anna Nicole Smith.

3. Emeril “Bam-Bam” Lagasse will finally tire of all the notch-kicking and begin creating sensible, healthy meals from locally grown produce. As a result, John Goodman will slim down to near-Brad Pitt proportions, but directors will remain unwilling to cast him as anything other than the good ol’ fat boy. Destitute and collecting aluminum cans to get by, Goodman will challenge Lagasse to a knife fight on Julia Street during Art for Art’s Sake. I’m a little fuzzy on who wins.

4. In the middle of a weather report, the roots of Bob Breck’s Elton John-esque hair implants will finally reach his medulla oblongata, giving New Orleanians a ringside seat to the biggest, baddest televised hissyfit since David Gest accused Liza Minnelli of rape.

5. As usual, the Saints will have a losing season, Tom Benson will threaten to decamp unless he gets a new stadium, and the governor will manage to sweet-talk him into staying. But this year, all concerned parties will be wearing crazy hats!

6. To save the lives of animals put in jeopardy by up-in-the-air funding of the LASPCA, Anne Rice offers to adopt every dog, cat, and gerbil on Japonica Street. Never one to shrink from a pissing contest, Al Copeland says no, he’ll take them. A bidding war ensues, which Rice cleverly drives into seven-digit territory before backing down. Now destitute, Copeland slinks home with hundreds of new mouths to feed. One month later, Copeland-brand sausage appears on grocery shelves, and Al is spotted driving about town in a new Bentley.

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