An Open Letter to the Citizens of New Orleans
My Fellow New Orleanians:
You are all a bunch of pussies.
Actually, let me rephrase that: you are all a bunch of water-hoarding, Margaret Orr-loving, I-10-clogging evacuation monkeys.
For days, every meteorological model has shown Dennis hitting the Floribama coast, but still, you’re closing up shop. You’re cancelling events. You’re running for the hills (literally, since Monkey Hill doesn’t count).
You’re on the streets at 7:00am, eyes wide with hysteria as you make one last run to Home Depot for plywood. Your minivans teeter from side to side, piled high with children and pets and shabbat candles (the only ones you could still find at Robert’s). At the Shell station, you pump gallon after gallon of gas, remembering your evacuation in the face of Ivan and hoping that it doesn’t take you another eight hours just to reach Aunt Judy’s house in Baton Rouge.
And so I ask, could you pantywaists stop with the kvetching and the tsoris and the powerdrills before dawn and please listen to Bob freaking Breck? Yes, I know: with that shrill little voice and those unfortunate hair plugs, he’s sometimes tough to stomach, but underneath all those Cassandra-Complex trappings, he’s a rational guy, and he’s saying “Sit your ass back down.” (I paraphrase.)
Seriously, if you’re gonna fly into a tizzy every time a low pressure system creeps toward the Gulf Coast, maybe y’all ought to move someplace else. There’s Minneapolis, for example. Or St. Louis. Or Hershey, Pennsylvania–you like chocolate, don’t you? Fact is, there’s a zillion places unlike New Orleans where you could live, so do us all a favor and hit the road. We have enough to worry about with crime and public schools and those goddamn new parking thingamajigs without you screaming gloom and doom in our ears every other week.
Good riddance. Don’t forget to drop us a line now and then from whatever godforsaken Midwestern hellhole you land in.
Sincerely,
Your neighbor, who is trying to get some sleep
You’ve just redefined the word ‘dyspeptic’ for me, Richard. ;)
Listen to Bob Breck? Look, not to insult the man, but last year they had to yank him off the air because he was forecasting the storm would definitely hit New Orleans and that we were all goners. Earlier this year I saw him at boat show where he was talking to a guy in a dolphin costume, speaking “dolphin” (picture Bob going “ACKACKACKAAAAAAACK”), ON the evening broadcast. The anchors were working VERY HARD to keep straight faces when he segued it back to them. Which is not to say I don’t like him, he’s more entertaining than ten other weather forecasters rolled into one – but Margaret Orr gets it right.
I’m thinking we should all go with Nash Roberts.
http://www.soundsdevine.com/nash.htm
Richard:
I wonder what kind of tune you’ll be singing on Monday!
Actually, Aaron, Bob Breck was the ONLY voice of reason last year when Ivan was heading this way. Everyone else was screaming, “GET OUT OF DODGE!”, but Bob was encouraging folks to wait. He’d cut back and forth to shots of I-10–a parking lot 72 hours before Ivan made landfall–and urge us all to sit tight, reassuring us that we still had plenty of time to evacuate, if we chose to. Sure, he gets a little weird at times, but then, who am I to blame a guy for being weird?
Meg Orr, on the other hand, loves nothing more than to act out the flooding of Lakeview every time she has the chance: “The water’s going to come RACING over the flood wall! You have to leave now!” I’ve witnessed it so often, I avoid WDSU like an ebola convention.
And yes, Tyler, we’d all like Nash back. Unfortunately, there are only so many times you can bring the guy out of deep freeze before you permanently damage his nervous system.
Dude, you are totally right. I know a guy who didn’t go to work Tuesday “to get ready for (Tropical Storm) Cindy,” and then took Wednesday off “to clean up after Cindy.” When I accused him of stretching a three-day week-end into a week off he got all indignant, saying he just had to go get more plywood to cover the windows.
How many times do you really need to buy plywood? Once you have enough for your house you stash it in the garage and it’s there next time you need it. Apparently New Orleanians throw away all their hurricane supplies every fall and don’t think to buy new stuff until a storm is about to hit.
What a bunch of flibbertyjibbets, as my grandmother used to say.
Jo-Ann:
On Monday, I’ll be humming the tune I always sing at the start of my work week, “Monday Morning Blues.” It’s a diddy of my own devising, inspired but not lifted directly from Bobby Blue Bland’s spectacular album, *Memphis Monday Morning*. It goes something like this:
—
Well it’s Monday morning, baby, and I’ve got work to do.
I say it’s Monday morning, baby, and you know I got work to do.
Gonna down a big cuppa coffee, honey, then maybe I’ll sniff some glue.
—
I continue in this vein until I’ve run out of words that rhyme with “do”–which can take quite a while. There’s boo, and cue, and few, and goo, and hue, and of course, the piece de resistance, Kalamazoo. I usually finish up sometime around noon on Tuesday.
But then, perhaps I’m taking your query too literally. Perhaps you’re implying I’ll receive some sort of meteorological comeuppance for my jaundiced take on evacuation?
Perhaps!
It appears you’ve never had to experience the phyiscal, financial and psychological trauma of a hurricane hit. Otherwise you would never had written such a callous post.
It looks as if you’ll avoid a direct hit with Dennis… congratulations.
But you’d best keep your eye on the other three storms forming. You may not be so lucky the next time.
My poor little house has taken a direct hurricane hit twice–so if it’s street cred you’re looking for, I’ve got it in spades. And I gotta say: Richard’s post was funny, and right. There is too much hysteria and not enough sober thinking.
Hey babies-I am in Florida now (20 yrs), the sand bar of the nation. Grew up in Crescent City, went to H.S. in the midst of Carrollton/St. Charles area. Love my city. But…talk about hurricanes and evacuation scares! I’d say over 1/2 of the residents have lost money and/or property in Fla. Humor is sorely needed in this mess. Coastal living has its bennies, and drawbacks. Personally? I’d rather live in N.O. again and party til the water rises and have the special bonding that N.O. has and is famous for. This state is impersonal and dangerous-and very, very conservative. What the hell am I doing here???
Tyler, Miss, Nawlins, thanks for interpreting my alleged callousness in terms everyone can understand. Perhaps I should have made my humorous intentions more overt. I suppose if there were an emoticon to convey drag queens snapping, all this confusion could’ve been avoided–although even the cleverest of emoticons can’t counter a willful misreading.
Yes! Thank you.
PS Sorry I’m late in posting this.
Well,, reading all of your comments still leaves me confused about the true threat of hurricanes..yes i am from the midwest. i packed up three times and nothing has happened…how do i or will i ever know when to beleive the weather people when they say it’s vital to leave. I drive my husband (lafite) and my 18 month old crazy with my fear of the “catastrohpy” better known as the catergory 2+ storm.
I’m wondering if you are sitting tight for Katrina?
Well Richard, hope ya listened to Bob Breck when he was saying the Friday night before Katrina hit that we werent going to have to worry about this one either. Theres a fine line between hysteria & being better safe than sorry…..i for one am very glad i DID’NT listen to bob this time….however entertaining he may be. I truely hope you realize how ignorant you’re “open letter” was now in retrospect. I also hope someone in your family had some sense & dragged you out of the area for this one.
Danielle,
Are you mad? I don’t recall Bob ever saying that we weren’t going to have to worry about this one either. He told everyone to evacuate.
Growing up in Nawlins as kids we hoped hurricanes would come close enough to get school cancelled. Hmm. Never considered that I would lose all my friends if one did hit and we would evacuate permanently…
Reading this first letter I laughed, reading Miss’ letter made me remember staying put during some close calls. What complacency. I would have stuck this one out and then needed to be saved due to my pig headedness. Sigh>* I live in Corpus Christi now. We run to the hills every once in a while.
fuck you man you cold heartless asshole would you like to come live the lives that we all now live would like to have your entire life turned upside and then shaken until you cant breathe from all the stress you are under and the amount of loss you now have to deal with would you like to have a child that can go to school because everytime it rains he cries saying that he’s scared of a hurricane coming and his mommy and daddy cant come to get him in time you might think its nothing and you might think its okay well guess what buddy its not we have to start all over again for a lot of us all we have left is memories and for those of us who lucked out we are still traumatized as we deal with comforting and being there for all of the people that we love who werent so lucky and if you think that its easy to move away from new orleans which like they say is a place like no where else in the world with great pleasure and happiness come risk in our case its hurricane season and we’re sorry if you arent proud to be an american and if you dont want to help out your neighboring fellow americans infact we pity you becuase although we are left with nothing physically we STILL have more than you and thats a little something called compassion and one last thing you are the kind of people that darken this world and make it ugly we dont need you in our lives and like i said on behalf of our city and everyone that cares FUCK YOU asshole
Kori at October 6,2005.
Kori I agree 110% with you. We do not need people like Texascoast in our life or in our world but God put them here for a reason and if he does not change his —or her ways —Well all I can say is their day is comming don’t you worry. It is comming. Kori non of these ASSHOLES are worth getting worked up over. Take care of yourself, family and the ones around you and any one else you are able to and the compassionless will soon fall away.
i want to go on reord for saying that BOB BRECK is an authentic, sincere human being who happens to be also a gifted meteorologist, and a witty if sometimes a little goofy man. but that is just the beauty of him: that he is not afraid to be wrong on occasion, or to make himself unpopular (with the city fathers, or people who don’t like what he has to say though it is the truth). I have been through many hurricanes with him, and have always felt safe and secure with him as meteorologist, knowing that he would strive to be accurate and honest. i never forget when he had forecast one hurricane to “go the other way” and when it changed course towards new orleans, he buried his face in his hands in dismay, crying out loud (on tv): “i can’t stand it, it’s coming right at us!”) that’t when i knew i could trust him, because though he was wrong about it then, he was not afraid to say what he felt to be the truth and to show his emotions openly to all his audience.
that takes true courage. i would not want to be guided through a hurricane by anyone without that human quality.
Bob’s fan forever!
gisela kirberg mamone