I�m heading back into New Orleans this weekend. I�ve taken a week off work to get everything straightened out as much as possible and to help others so I�ll be there all week. Most of the people I�ve talked to who aren�t already in town are coming in the following weekend. A few days ago I was really anxious to get back but now I find myself being lazy about it. Thinking about cleaning out the refrigerator and debris � I just don�t want to do it. Then there�s the creeping feeling; not quite guilt but something that insinuates guilt, when I think about how much worse off other parts of town are. Several people have asked me to take pictures of their homes since they have been unable to get back since the storm. I don�t mind doing this at all, but I�m starting to feel a bit of dread about it. It reminds me of when an infant has to get a flu shot or something: They cry and cry and it just breaks your heart, but you know it doesn�t really hurt that much and you know it has to be done. But they just cry and cry and you start to wonder if they know something you don�t about being little and about flu shots.

On some level I am excited to see people I haven�t seen in a while and to get a look at how things have come along since I left a few days after the storm. Having been playing with the idea of just moving to New York, I hope this trip home somewhat resolves the issue for me. I don�t suspect it will. That may be a decision for six months from now � or longer. I imagine things are going to be different in some ways. I try not to think about it in terms of good or bad � just different. It�s the degree of difference to expect that I have trouble imagining. It occurs to me that I�m walking back into what could be an emotional maelstrom; its beginning already. I�ve been hiding behind work and pseudo-normalcy for over a month now and though it�s just a fa�ade, it�s done the trick. Now, I�m about to take the red pill (sorry for the Matrix reference but I�m a geek).

As a backdrop to all this are the earthquake in Pakistan and deadly snow storms in Colorado � I just keep thinking that the earth is trying to kill us all. It always has. And yet, here we are.

Sorry there isn�t much of a point to this post. I had something in mind when I started but it just didn�t make it. My thoughts are scattered, but then, I wonder how many people feel the same way right now.

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4. A strange, haunting thought
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