“I woke up this morning with a smile on my face
and a great big hard-on for the whole human race.
I love everybody
and I want you to know.
Got the world by the balls
and I won’t let it go.
And I don’t give a damn if they take me away
‘Cause I’m so fuckin’ happy…” :Randy Newman

Well, it’s St. Valentine’s Day, the bastard. I’m not bitter at my barren, loveless existence. In fact I’m my own damn Valentine this year. It was the first thing I took care of when I woke up this morning in fact. Don’t act like that little euphemism slipped past you. You all know what I’m talking about. All Valentine’s Day does is add a tinge of pitifulness to my otherwise normal days’ rampant mastabatory schedule. So, in a way, Valentine’s Day is sort of erotic. Cool. Although, this can be taken too far. A friend once confided in me that she doesn’t “do that” on Valentine’s Day since the Valentine’s Day of 2000 where she found herself crying and “doing that”. Naturally, my question was, “well, did it work? Ya know, did ya get where you were going an’ all?” to which she said “yes”.

I’m not always the best confidant. I realize now that my response of laughing and saying, “mmmaaaann, you are fucked up!!” was probably not the most compassionate response possible. I’m not saying I was wrong in my initial assessment as she is, indeed, fuuuucked up. But on the bright side, as Valentine’s Day reminds us, the trick to being happy is to find someone who lands about the same spot on the fucked up scale. Then you have someone to be fucked up with. Isn’t that sweet.

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

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