Tuesday morning, 7am, any channel
Attention journalists: I know what you’re thinking.
No, seriously: I know what you’re thinking.
You see, I possess many special powers. For example, I can install window-unit air-conditioners. I can blend eyeshadow, making a smooth gradient that runs from the crease of my eyelid to just below my eyebrow. But perhaps best of all, I am journalistically clairvoyant–that is, I can accurately predict, to within a phoneme or two, the exact report that you will file on any given story.
Using this last power, I’ve glimpsed the report you intent to file from the streets of New Orleans next Tuesday morning, and let me just say, it sucks. In fact, it’s so full of inaccuracies and half-truths that I’ve taken the liberty of rewriting it–leaving a little room for your personal tastes to shine through, of course. It’s still got that canned, cheesy tone you blondined broadcasters love so much, but it’s far less likely to get you pummeled by the locals hanging out just behind your left shoulder in the hopes of getting glimpsed on national TV. So grab a bloody Mary, fill in the blanks, and laissez the cameras roulez.
ANCHOR: …And now, we’re going live to New Orleans, where it’s just 7:00am, but [insert reporter name here] says the city is already on its feet, ready to party.
REPORTER: Good morning, [insert anchor name here]! I’m standing here on [St Charles Avenue/world-famous Canal Street], waiting to see Zulu, the first parade of Mardi Gras day–or Fat Tuesday, as it’s called in New Orleans. As you can see behind me, the crowds are a little thinner than usual, but the fact that they’re here at all is actually something of a triumph for the city.
(Cut to stock footage of Katrina/aftermath with voiceover)
REPORTER: Six months ago, these people and I would have been standing in a city that was mostly underwater. There was no power, no phone service, and looters wandered the streets, unhindered by the city’s overwhelmed police force. Initial estimates predicted it would take months for the city to dry out. But now, just half a year later, many folks are once again living in New Orleans, and they’re lined up to revel in one of the best free parties in the world.
(Cut to footage of older couple, sorting through moldy debris and ripping out drywall)
REPORTER: Some people have said that Carnival should have been cancelled, given the devastation still to be found in vast stretches of the city. But such protests haven’t usually come from New Orleanians themselves. Take John and Mary [LeBlanc/Bourgeois/Schexnayder], whose home of 32 years in nearby [Mid-City/Gentilly/Central City] took on four feet of water. John and Mary have been living in a trailer for the past two months, trying to make a little progress each day on rebuilding. They’ve been given the run-around by their insurance company, and they say FEMA has offered little, if any help. But they’re still wearing purple, green, and gold to celebrate the Carnival season.
MARY: We had a king cake party for the whole block last night, and we all gonna go see Zulu and Rex roll on Tuesday. Not having Mardi Gras would be like not having Christmas, and who wants to live without Christmas, now tell me dat!
(Cut back to live footage, with the MAX band–consisting of St. Mary, St. Augustine, and Xavier Prep students–passing in the background)
REPORTER: Who wants to live without Christmas, indeed? I don’t know about you, [insert anchor name here], but a world without Christmas just doesn’t seem like a world worth living in to me.
ANCHOR: Although [Jews/Muslims/Buddhists/Hindus/atheists] might not mind so much.
REPORTER: (Pressing earpiece further into ear) What was that, [insert anchor name here]?
ANCHOR: That was [insert reporter name here], reporting live from New Orleans.
I know, I know. You can thank me later….
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LOL! I wonder what other predictive powers you have. hmmmmm
There’s one thing that bothers me about this whole “is it too early to celebrate” media crap-fest. As I recall back in September of ‘01, after the proverbial dust settled, there was Mayor Giuliani on TV asking people to come to NY, see a show and have dinner. Everyone said “Yes, we should support this wonderful city”. I think that what’s happening here is because when most people, i.e. “The Media”, think of Mardi Gras they see frat boys drinking ’til they puke and sorority girls flashing their tits for beads. Obviously this is not the true meaning of Mardi Gras but to those who don’t live in the city this is all they know of Fat Tuesday. I think this is an opportunity for N.O. to overhaul the image of Mardi Gras and say “Yes, it is a good time to celebrate but this is what we’re celebrating, life goes on”.
Well said, Fred. I’d add that although New York may seem big and scary and completely unnatural to red-staters, it’s still considered THE American city. New Orleans, on the other hand, is a city-state at best–a principality of eccentrics (or confederacy of dunces, take your pick). It’s hard to claim we’re as American as apple pie when tourists can’t even pronounce the names of our streets. Different spot in the popular imagination = different sympathies.
Mad propz for that bit. You rock. And wouldn’t you know, after reading this, I came downstairs and what was on the news already but an early version of exactly this freakin’ story? You are damned prescient, amigo.
Well done; the msm will no doubt be about as predictable as you claim, bread and circus for the masses, leaving the real toil and sweat of the cleansing to those more capable…love and peace, sometimes,…B
Blah, blah, blah-gers! I’m from the great BLUE state of Michigan. A true bleeding-heart liberal. Do whatever your little heart desires as long as the bodily fluids don’t splash on me! Now, I watch the news all the time. Not the liars at Fox, though. Richard, I’ve never seen you giving Anderson Cooper your brilliant thoughts that you spew on this site! And I mean that honestly. You have wonderful points. But, sweetheart, you’re singing to the wrong choir!! Push your way in next to Soledad O’Brien and tell her that you and a group of grass-rooters are starting a movement right after this years Mardi Gras to stop the tits & puke!! You’re taking your beautiful city and heritage back!! I’m with you buddy! I’ve been to your city seventeen times in the last nine years. Never to Mardi Gras! I don’t want to see that shit either. Clean it up! Then, slide up to Andy Cooper and ask him about your Port tht G Dub-ya wants to give to the Arabs. Ask him about the one-hundred million that George said in his speech last week ( that the whole world heard ) that the UAE gave to Hurricane Katrina rebuilding! Where is it? Wouldn’t that kind of money rebuild the ninth ward? Just a thought Anderson. But, really now. One thing we know how to do here in Michigan is protest, picket and strike!! We don’t lay down here. We fight! Don’t shoot the messengers. Ask them questions. Hrad ones. The rest of the country is waiting to hear you locals get pissed enough to get thins moving!
Hey Debby, Doesn’t Michigan have a huge Arab population? Hmmmm
Yes, we have a HUGE Arab population in Dearborn ( home of Henry Ford and the Ford Motor Co.), but, we didn’t give them the job of security over our beloved Ambassador and Mackinac Bridges. Nor did we sell them our Fermi Nuclear Power Plant. Not to mention our Soo Locks! But, that’s not the real point now is it? When I talk to people around here, I hear it all. They’re tired of N.O. on the news all the time. ” They live in a fishbowl.”, “They don’t want to help themselves.” etc. And most of this comes from my conservative Republican friends. I do have a few! But, I will tell you this. If G.W. Bush said some country gave one hundred million dollars to help save our auto companies, you better believe he’d be held accountable!! It can’t be that hard to talk to your gov. officials, can it? Hell, I talked to Nagins office a couple weeks ago. Do you people go to city council meetings? We’re used to driving to Lansing (MI capitol) and meeting with our Senators and Congress people. Do you’s go to Baton Rouge? A couple people on your blog site sound like they’re in radio or newspaper work. There’s some loud voices! Oh, and by the way. We also have our share of Blacks. But, that’s cool.I told you I was Liberal! And if Kwame ( Detroits Mayor) stood up and said ” At the end of the day, Detroit will be chocolate.”" we’d all laugh and say ” NO SHIT “
Why is it New Orleans’s fault that people from other parts of the country have to come here to have fun? Doesn’t it say more about places OTHER than New Orleans that when repressed Puritans from BFE, Wisconsin leave their cul-de-sac, they act like complete morons. When we say “we know how to party down here,” we don’t mean that we’re obnoxious. Rather, we mean that we can enjoy life and still look dignified. I’m sorry the rest of the country doesn’t like to see people with blond hair and blue eyes naked and puking on Bourbon Street, but don’t blame it on New Orleans–thet’s their problem.
Good point, Terry. I think the pukin’, bare breasted blonde tourists are the same ones that go to Aruba to scare refined Dutch residents and other locals, then cry “bloody murder” when their ho acts stupidly lead them into situations a kinder kid would know better than to.
They also like to go to Tokyo and “hostess” for ancient Japanese mafiosos, then somebody complains their body is found down a dark alley.
I used to like being a blonde, but this concept is going the same way for me as confessing to being an American.
I don’t think you guys were following the conversation. We started with someone talking about the press coverage of Mardi Gras! Don’t blame the rest of the country. But, face it, whether you like it or not, you NEED all of us right now. You need our money, because God only knows you’re not getting squat from the gov. We all know it, you know, us in our comfortable cul-de-sac’s here in Michigan. Yes, we are comfortable, because we have $120,000.00 a year jobs at Ford, GM, Chrysler, etc. But, we’ve worked hard to get to this point. We have labor unions. We have good health car, dental, pensions. You know, something Louisiana (and most of the south) doesn’t have. Even Anne Rice told me in a e-mail that LA was turning to a red state. No wonder she split. But, honestly, you people on these blog sites don’t paint a very rosy future for yourselves. If I were a first time tourist wanting to visit N.O…..I don’t think so. And, as far as getting drunk and puking on Bourbon St. been there, done that (not the puking)But, let me tell you as an out-of-stater. There is so much more to the beautiful New Orleans than Bourbon St. You know that. Maybe most of her charm left with the charming people (waiters, cooks, housekeeping, cab drivers, etc.) I pray that they return. Because, if all that is left is people that sound like you guys, that city is sunk in more ways than one. I think this year, I’ll spend my vacation in Savannah! And by the way, I have red hair and green eyes!!!!
Heads up, Debby. I heard somewhere that Ford was laying workers off, but maybe they haven’t gotten to the $120,000 a year people who are red-haired, green-eyed and live in cul-de-sacs.
That’s true Ed. Word is, is that in ten years Alabama is going to be the new Auto Capital. But remember, where industry goes, so do Democrats and the great Labor Unions. So…. the south may just rise again!!!
Debby - if you’re looking to Anne Rice as some sort of bellwether for Louisiana’s culutral, poliitcal and economic future, past, present whatever - you are way way way way off base. She is no more representative of New Orleans, much less Louisiana as a whole, than Emeril or Terry Bradshaw. You say “There is so much more to the beautiful New Orleans than Bourbon St.” - well, you’re not showing your awareness of that by dropping Anne Rice into the conversation. She’s the Bourbon Street of Louisiana’s rich literary heritage.
As for the nation wanting to hear locals get pissed off - no, it doesn’t. It wants the whole problem to go away. Things are moving; things are progressing. Rome was not built in a day and a major metro area will not be rebuilt in one, either. The nation needs to be realistic about the depth and breadth of the devestation, the costs of repair, and timelines.
BTW, Savannah is a New Orleans wanna-be - without the “charming people” and diversity of culutral influences. I’m sure you expect it to be “The Garden of Good and Evil,” but in most ways, it’s more akin to “Tobacco Road.”
Oh one more thing. You seriously think there aren’t unions, pensions and health “car” down here? Hmmm - well, I guess all these railroad, educational, and first responder retirees drawing retirement benefits are an illusion. And Democrats?! We practically INVENTED the Democratic Party - wait wait we DID, we did invent it! (refer to Thomas Jefferson, son of Virgina). Additionally - can any one say LBJ? Jimmy Carter? Bill CLinton? Al Gore?
*geesh*
Debby,
We do not want your money or your help.
As for the United Arab Emirates Dubai port deal
get your head out of sand you live in a auto
manufacturing state for the time.
Automobiles use petroleum George W. Bush has sold out
the entire eastern seaboard to oil drilling and
the eastern ports access and eggress points.
Grow up!
Laurie