Damn it feels good to be a gangster…
New census estimates came in a little while ago. It appears Mr. Nagin was somewhat off in the estimates he made up one morning while shaving his head and counting the number of hairs not being cut. Upon hearing that the number was lower than he invented he commented that there was a big margin of error in the census numbers - which there was - it’s over 10%, but that’s close enough for demographers to find reasonable and start drawing some conclusions. I heard this morning, in part based on these new numbers, that we are once again the murder capital of the U.S. Congrats to all the gang-bangers on that one. Good job, and keep up the good work. If the crime rate continues as it has, god willing, we’ll hit nearly 150 murders this year. And with a population estimate of under 200,000 people, we’re way out front in this area. No one is even close. But on a slightly discouraging note, gangsters tend to miss a lot. They tend to mame and injure more than actually kill. With that said, there’s no way the gangsters in Orleans are going to kill each other off completely anytime in the near future so our title is safe for the near future.
Even given the occasional bystander, to keep the numbers up, there is a need for training. I would like to suggest, here in this public forum, that the National Guard be ordered to open up a firing range in a populated area, say, the Irish Channel, and teach our young gangsters how to properly aim, fire, and maintain their weapons. That way, when our young gangsters are gunned down, they will be passing on a well-maintained weapon to their murderer. After all there’s nothing worse than gunning someone down in the street for killing one of your friends last week, going to steal the victim’s gun and finding it hasn’t been cleaned in quite a while. Additionally, I believe this will significantly improve the effectiveness of our gun-toting hooligans. I know, you’re sitting there thinking, but we’re winning, why be greedy about it? Well, we need improved aim and higher numbers because the Louisiana Supreme Court has sidelined - er, removed from the bench - Judge Charles Elloie. This means that, on the off chance that if the police somehow manage to find an assailant and put them in jail before he’s killed in a revenge shooting, then there’s a slightly better chance the, we’ll say, “suspect” will actually stay in jail for longer than it takes me to get drunk. If that happens, violence with in our penis(?), penal, yes, that’s it, penal system will rise drastically as inmates try to kill each other with sharpened spoons, or whatever the hell those kids are into these days. But there should be a sharp decrease in the number of innocent bystanders and that’s going to hurt our numbers.
See, my point is, most cities let their criminal element fight it out in a nice, controlled environment set up for such a thing: prison. We’re the only city to get it right. And, in the only city to get it right, Orleans Parish is far more correct than anyone else in the city. The place for criminals to do all the bad things they do is on the streets, where people other than criminals can be injured and killed as well. It keeps people on their toes - its Darwinistic! In other cities, drugs are frowned upon as evil and unnecessary whereas, in Orleans Parish drugs serve as a catalyst for all other activity. Like a clown at a child’s birthday party. Ever been to a party that didn’t have a clown? I haven’t (so, what do you think that means?) and I would hate to even call something a party in the absence of a clown.
Keep up the good work my young gangster fucktards and pretty soon you’ll be the only ones living here and no one will ever come see you and you won’t be able to leave. After all, now you only have half as many people to scare off. The last person out is responsible for turning out the lights and blowing up the bridges.
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Take the same census next year, and you will see an even greater decline. Have you seen the listings on Realtor.com? There are thousands of them in New Orleans alone. Last check was 4,474. The big ass houses thet nobody even thought of selling are now on the market. Historical overpriced homes will not get what they are asking for, and eventually they will sell for a steal. Unfortunately, the people who are selling these homes are doctors and lawyers and executives making ready for the mass exodus.
The cheaper homes, and by cheaper, I mean in the low hundred thousands, are completely gutted. Who in their right mind would buy a skeleton house for $460,000, especially in a crime ridden sink hole? Its going to take a long time to change this city. Until then, we will become like Natchez, Mississippi, an empty, emotionless chain of historic homes that turn into walking tours on Saturday afternoons.
The End
Paul -Have you been to natchez lately - like post-K?
A.
You guys are good!!!!!
Actually, I have been to Natchez lately, shortly after the storm. The place was full of empty houses and commercial properties. There were’nt even many tourists. It was boring. Natchez is older than New Orleans by a few years, and it has its moments. I’m not saying N.O. will be just like Natchez, you can actually afford a home there.
Your cynicism isn’t even remotely impressive. I mean, you could come up with a better line that the “turn out the lights” cliche, couldn’t you?
In any case, how is Natchez all that different than most American cities these days? Very few places, outside of NYC, college towns and tourist cities such a Charleston SC are teeming with life. New Orleans, even in its current state, is miles ahead of most American places in the culture and street-life dept.
And I’m sure you could find a more affordable house in, say, a Mormon-dominant section of rural Utah. Or, say, Florence SC, the municipality that had the highest violent crime rate last year. Why don’t you move there? I’m sure you’ll find six coffee shops within a one-mile radius and decent cannoli or the equivalent of the Rebirth Brass Band, say, in that city.
Actually, Natchez is booming right now. There was a surge in home sales shortly after the event. There was a massive influx of evacuees who stayed (and think the Adams county schools a “great” - that alone is a sad sad statement about the state of NO public schools, but I digress.) There are two college campuses there - Co-Lin Community and a sattelite of Alcorn State. A new bio-deseil plant is being biult near one of the abandoned factories - I think the tire one, but I could be wrong.
Natchez is trying to diersify its economy - it took a hit on cotton, then oil, then tourism. It learned its lesson about all the egss in one basket. It is trying to position itself as a destination - not a tourist mecca, but a small city that has a unique sense of self. There is a very active younger set that are determined to revamp the cities image and its economy. They have given up lives in NYC and Berlin and LA to move home. My husband and I are considering moving back because it has everything we want without the hustle-bustle and noise of Memphis.
Natchez is not “boring;” it is low-key. It has a vibrant art scene, although it is small. It has little hidey holes filled with good music and friends. There are poets and writers, painters and sculptors, artisans of all types. If you go to Natchez looking for New Orleans, or New York, or heaven forbid, Atlanta, you won’t find it. But if you go to Natchez looking for history and archetecture and art, it’s all you want and more.
Some people think New Orleans is boring - how, I don’t know, but they do. I guess my point is unless you are there, living in a place, you really can’t judge its worth. There is more to a city than store fronts and For Sale signs - as you well know.
The Greater New Orleans Community Data Center (www.gnocdc.org) had some better numbers but even with the lower margin of error the population numbers end up about the same. If you are interested GNOCDC has some really great stuff!
Desperately seeking a home to rent or rent w/ option to buy or land contract. ( So our credit sucked in the past, but we’re fixing it, K?) Afraid of landing smack dab in a war zone, any suggestions? Been reading metroblogging N.O. for about a month or so, and you all seem fairly conscientious as far as what’s really going on, so any info as to areas where people CARE about HOW N.O. is rebuilt would be greatly appreciated!! Been looking for a home for about a year and a half( with a hiatus after Kat), and don’t have an extra hundred grand to throw down to make someplace habitable. Getting desperate, and would like to be down @ the first of the year. Thanks for ANYTHING at this point.
Sincerely!!!
TRAPPED!!!