I’ve got to get a-waaaaay….
….to a CC’s Coffee on Magazine. So that’s where I am, God help me, among a dozen other folks with laptops, sipping coffee and looking oh-so-relaxedly-earnest in our Sunday morning Uptown grunge outfits. Lots of old sweatshrts on such a cool morning. I swore I’d never be among this crowd, but I had to get out of the house for a bit.
I’m escaping depression, which there is way too much of in this city right now. Not my own depression — since I guess I’m too dumb to realize I should have reasons for it. I’m at the age where any day I can wake up and get out of bed is a pretty damn good day, filled with opportunity and second chances. I’m legally bankrupt, my business virtually doesn’t exist anymore, my mother is dying more quickly now — but I’ve got a good house, a decent (if low-paying) job and plenty of friends. The bills are back to being paid and hey — we live in a great neighborhood.
Those of you who know The Beautiful Kim (my wife) know she’s a wonderful, intelligent, giving woman. But this tremendous person isn’t around much these days, like too many New Orleanians, because she has become trapped in a deep, deep depression that affects not only her own self-worth, her employability and her smile, but also her family and friends. She’s lost, at least temporarily but consistently, her ability to go enjoy these friends, co-workers and (for now) an opportunity to plan to go see her own kids. And the tragedy for her and everyone else in her situation is that there’s virtually no one in New Orleans to help these days.
It’s not just that she needs to talk to a professional about what’s going on. Hell — we all need that these days down here. We should post a sign at the Jefferson Parish line and on the bridges from St. Tammany, saying “Welcome to Orleans/St. Bernard/Plaquemines Parishes — Proud to be Post-Traumatic” or something. What I mean is that for so many, the situation has gone from recognizable to potentially life-threatening — and a lot of folks have already taken their own ways out. They need diagnosed, prescribed, consistent, chemical-based help. But, unless you’ve got good health insurance and/or are able to drop a couple grand a month adopting a shrink, you’ve just gotta deal. And I mean EVERYONE has to deal — family members, friends and employers.
The problems began shortly after Mardi Gras, and we just assumed it was a reaction to too many days of partying, booze, visitors and a general comedown from the region’s Giant Recovery Party that Carnival was last time around. But, about every 4-5 weeks since, it’s been the same pattern — general lethargy and apathy, followed by crying jags, extreme agoraphobia, frequent but non-relaxing sleep (like 20 hours a day — but you’re still exhausted because you’ve been kicking and shouting much of the time) and just enough alcohol to try to make the self-loathing and the demons and the guilt and some of the physical pain go away. You know you’ve gone down the rabbit hole, you know you’ve become helpless and you know it’s a problem, but you can’t stop it and you don’t want to stop it and it’s too much effort and you don’t know where to begin and things just happen and….and….and….
We’ve run up about $5K in bills by going to hospitals to get help. We’ve been to Touro (twice) and Ochsner (once), only to see TBK get pumped full of fluids, told to stop drinking, given a lot of vitamin B and sent home about 10-12 hours later. Oh, and by the way, that’ll be $1200 please. Sure, she feels back to being herself — but only for another month or so until it all happens again. I want to just shake these people, as dedicated as they are…
It wasn’t the hurricane, it was the flood — and it’s not the booze, it’s the depression. Treat the depression and the other problems either vanish or fade to the point of being self-manageable. This person is again self-assured, employable, contributing and, most of all, back to being part of the city’s fabric. We need everyone these days. But, as it is, the most I can do is comfort and feed her when she’s awake, watch her while she thrashes and shouts in her sleep and try to get a clue as to what or who she’s fighting.
….but 80% of this city’s mental health professionals remain elsewhere. That leaves the 20% overwhelmed, unavailable or priced out of the range of many who need help the most. And, of the several “free” outlets we’ve checked, they’ve either moved, won’t answer the phone or are located outside of Orleans Parish. Or they’re so overloaded that you literally have to schedule your spontaneous breakdown.
Despite the startling recovery of so much of the Gulf Coast region, so much also remains broken. And among the broken are way too many of our residents. And until and unless more resources are allocated to deal with the situation, too many will remain broken. Diagnosis and treatment are out there — but not so much down here these days. It’s gotta change.
Related posts:
Dear Craig,
last June i had the lovely opportunity of meeting you and your beautiful bride. It was a sunny Saturday and we stoped in Lagenstiens uptown before going to the Ferrit St. (bad spelling!) block party. i was with my girlfriend and we had a nice chat with you, but spent most of the time sharing stories with TBK. and yes, she is beautiful.
i remember getting into my car and turning to my girlfriend and saying how down to earth you both were, i was happy to meet you two.
i think back on that Saturday with a smile.
my love to you and kim.
please tell kim i am sending good ‘JuJu’ her way.
hugs & stuff,
me. ;)
You know I always have a lot to say. I try to be encouraging and loving and real with you both. I’ve known about this abyss for quite sometime and you are both fervently in my prayers. I have; however, reached a place where there are no words for me to speak to make things better. I just really need to get my hiney down there and hug you two..IN PERSON. I know the hugs won’t make it all go away either, but what it will do is make you aware that when my friends hurt, I care, and hurt with you. You know I’m always here and all you have to do is…ask. I love you.
i love you both and wish i would wave a wand and fix everything!!
HUGEST HUGS
Craig:
I’m not trying to be flip, but why not just move? Start over in a place that doesn’t cause such deep depression?
I think all of us have had our bouts of depression in the past year; for me, the only thing that keeps me going is knowing we are leaving. I love this city, but it doesn’t love me right now. It’s time to go, and remember the good times we’ve had here…and there have been many.
I’m sure you read the Harry Anderson piece in the NYT; he decided to leave N.O. after his wife exhibited the same symptoms as yours. At some point, your health (mental and physical) comes first.
It sounds like you have reached that point.
Good luck.
Jill
There aren’t any magic words.(I’ve listened hard for them myself)
There aren’t any magic pills.(I’ve taken enough pills to try to find one!)
There is however, love and hope.(Love I found, hope was more elusive but it was there)
There is also forgivness of ones self. that is a battle long fought and takes a lot to overcome. Hope, love and most especially TIME wins that battle. you can do it kimmie.
Many people care about you two. Kimmie is a precious gift to many of us and a beautiful soul. my prayers, healing thoughts and empathy goes out to kimmie.
The help she needs will come. There are too many people who care and pray for her for it not to.
Leaving isn’t an option. Matter of fact, it would worsen the situation. Despite the difficulties, we have a very good personal support system here in our friends and neighbors. And, frankly, this house is maybe the greatest comfort of all.
We have much to be thankful for here. If we left, we’d be gaining some medical infrastructure, but leaving virtually everything else that keeps us going.
…but thanks for trying to help.
I can’t begin to understand what the aftermath is for you and yours, we have been wanting to move back for about 6 years ( not including our post- Katrina hiatus ) to the most vibrant, alive, passionate city I have ever known. We have watched the real estate market skyrocket ( way out of our price range, unless “flooded and gutted” of course.) but if it is still really that bad, maybe we should reconsider, and go north! Part of what makes New Orleans memorable is the colorful personality of its occupants. I look forward to good times, and good friends, crawfish boils, making out in Jackson Square, taking my son to Marie Laveaux’s( he was 3 when we left) beignets not from a box,growing old and being the crazy eccentric on the block. I do realize fully that We may experience the very same thing in our lifetime, and, believe it or not, are still willing to take that risk. Crazy, maybe? Or could it be that the benefit of being where you want to be, and where you fit is better than feeling lost all of the time, no matter where you are, of watching every movie that has New Orleans, or characteristics of it, and aching to get back. So before you pack the U-Haul, ask yourself if New Orleans is a part of you, or are you a part of it? If the former is true,don’t sell your house, or even forward mail, cause the magnitude of that decision won’t take long to hit you. If the latter is true, how much are you asking for your house???!!!( JJ ) All in all, just know that at least one person envies you, regardless.
Heather:
I suppose, to use an old cliche, the grass is always greener…
We may regret our move, but I have never been one to look back. Everyone has to know their own threshold for living in (and deciding to leave)a place like New Orleans.
Not to hijack your post, Craig. I understand your need for the support system you have here…you can’t underestimate the power of friends and relatives.
The weather is getting nicer; perhaps you and your wife can get out more often now, get some excercise and enjoy the healthy options New Orleans has to offer. Working up good sweat never hurt anyone!
Good luck.
Jill
How long will I go over this comment before I go ahead and post it? Well, Ima just give it a go because this is such an important topic. I have lost a dear friend to depression, so it’s very real to me. I have never felt so helpless in my life. If you can pinpoint the cause, you’re ahead of the game already because you can focus on fixing it. For my friend, we could never get to the bottom of it because it was most likely chemical and it was never properly addressed by his doctors. We need a mental swat team down here right now.
There is no stigma regarding our mental fragility in this town. Many of us have been through this dark period over the last year and it’s a mistake to diminish it’s threat to our individual friends and our collective functionality. I was very close to giving the meds option a chance at one point because I was just tired of feeling like shit. I think we all know that the self-medication makes it even worse.
I called on everyone I knew, I called Craig too. I called on my close friends and some folks who I know have battled clinical depression for advice. The most helpful thing these experts said is that time is important. TBK, just remember, you WILL feel better. One day, I finally felt like my old self again. A lot of it is that our normal habits are so out of whack. Don’t forget what it feels like to feel good. Do things that make you feel good. Confront the scary things, they turn out to be not so scary. I hope you can break this cycle, whatever it takes.
You’re fortunate to have a partner who understands, it’s better than going through it alone, and Craig’s not afraid to talk about it, that’s so important. Some people think of it as whining. It’s not, it’s talking and it helps. Y’all know you can call me anytime.
this really hits home for me. my best friend is going through this exact same thing. after months of fighting it (and me and Mr. Knob Creek) he has finally realized that he needs professional help. luckily he is able to afford it. not so luckily, he is having to wait over a month for the appointment. it’s so scary, i’ve considered calling his shrink and explaining the situation to him–”you need to see this guy NOW–but i realize it isn’t the shrink’s fault. everyone needs help. hell, i need help just to be able to deal with my friend needing help.
anyway, best of luck to you. the only advice i can give you is just be there for her and love her. unfortunately she has to do all the hard work to come out of this. if we could magically fix the people we love, we most certainly would, but it’s not up to us, it’s up to them.
K&C I love you both so much. You are right Craig, moving is not an option. Because moving physically will not get rid of the memories and experiences you are dealing with and trying to work through. The tragedy that you have been through will never be forgotten, just know that we pray everyday for you guys and everyone else that are trying to “move forward”. You are right… the levees can be repaired… the buildings…. but what about the people?
My advice isn’t anything that you don’t realize already… make it a point each day to stop and meditate, think about how far you have come and the positive things in your lives. There will be setbacks and rough spots but you have each other to lean on and ya know… some times that is all we truely need… someone to hug and cry it out with. I think that it is great that you can express this out in a blog, it is a great release.
You and Kim are in my prayers, I love you both.
I have no words of wisdom, no words of advice but I do have a heart heavy with love and concern for both of you. I continue to hold you close in prayer and thought and I so wish there were more that I could do. Depression is not something you just get over - you know, you wake up one day and magically it’s gone - it takes time and professional help. I am so sad that there aren’t the resources available to help Kimmie and the multitude of other broken residents that survived K but continue to suffer from post-K issues.
Please know that you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, especially now with the added burden of your mothers declining health and quality of her life. When do you get to cry “uncle”?
If there is anything I can do, I’ll catch a plane, train, bus or car and be there and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I love you.
There is a study of doctors out there that says something like 80% of doctors prescribe medicines that their patients specifically name and ask for, whether they need it or not. I don’t know if you’ve brought it up with the emergency room doctors, but if you ask for a RX for an antidepressant, they will likely give it to you. Paying for it, unfortunately, is another matter. Good luck.
Craig,
As I told you when you called, I wish I had answers for you. I wish I knew where it all was coming from - besides the obvious. The fact that I haven’t spoken to Joey once since our trip to NOLA at the beginning of October speaks volumes….we rarely go more than a week without a call or email. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m angry with her. Perhaps this is what she needs? To know that she’s pissed me off, that she’s pissed others off with this behavior (once again, reasons/decisions that you & I discussed on the phone recently)I don’t know. I don’t know how to fix her, and this is what I want to do - FIX HER. And I can’t. It’s killing me inside. Keep in touch. Let me know what’s happening and if Tyler & I can help. I keep my mobile phobne on all the time, so you can call me at work, no worries there.
And, hey, you know what? I love you, too, babe.
Majic pill? Try St. John’s wort. It takes about 3 months to really take affect taking one a day. But it helps. Turning to God helps too. Doing things for others who can’t get any help, helps your well being also. Even if you consider yourself poor, there is always someone worse off than you. If you have physical health, you can help others who can’t help themselves. Spiritual rewards are many times the dophamine for our souls. If you enjoy your job, whatever it is, is very important. If you don’t like your job find one that you do like and do it regardless of the pay. God gives us many times blessings in disguise. If you have termoil of the soul, you will never be happy. Money ain’t it either, it’s nice to have but it don’t buy happiness. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and make the best of a bad situation…always.
First off, money would cure every problem I have except for my addiction to cigarettes and twinkies.
Even then, I could pay somebody to whip me into shape. I think people have to stop looking to the invisible man in the sky for all the answers and look at themselves for once. Jesus ain’t going to rebuild my house.
Dexter, thank you for your concern and your words of obvious concern.
…but we’re dealing with things quite a bit deeper than what St. John’s wort, a satisfying job and a settled soul (which it very much is) can address.
I’m so sorry. You know I’ve known the demons, too. Craig, none of my “cures” lasted until I finally just stopped drinking seven years ago. Not one drop. With help, and my help came through meetings with other sufferers for whom alcohol now only brought pain, I began to think sane thoughts, so I could begin to make sane choices, then I could begin to clean up the mess that was my life, and then the mess I’d left for others, and now I’m enjoying my best life ever. Getting sober was the only starting point that worked for me, Craig.
I don’t know how far TBK is, but I know I’ve been pretty far - to a place that only alcohol would fix. (that’s a point of fact, not a endorsement of self-medication) I feel so deeply for you - is there a possibility it’s hormonal? I’ve batteld demons all my live - but I felt most together pregnant and post-natal, ironically enough. So, hormones are a place to look.
It will get better - particularly with such a loving concerned “other” in her life. You need to stay strong for her. If there’s anything I can do, oh so far away, let me know. My kids are GREAT artists - perhaps a card? ;-)
A.
We’re certainly going to explore the hormonal aspects of all this — particularly since the problems appear with such corresponding regularity. And, apparently, alcohol consumption (or lack of it) has nothing to do with the onset and/or continuation. Simple observation over the past 6-7 months tells me (and I’m no expert) something emotional or physiological triggers a chemical imbalance.
The first step is to find the proper medical help and, to do that, we have no choice but to look for it outside the New Orleans area. We’ll be doing that beginning next week.
Depression is so abstract, and occurs in such varying degrees that it’s hard to really appreciate the complexity of it. That’s why such great, heart-felt suggestions can be so erratic. Ultimately, the complexity can easily overwhelm simple answers like not drinking or find God (not to single out or offend anyone) though these things have a place in life for some people. Faith, spirituality and responsible life choices are always in high demand and relatively short supply, but at some point, when the machine is broken, these things can ease the pain but can not fix it.
I think you’re right to seek more sophisticated professional help with this than the city can offer right now. Someone who’s dedicated a great deal of time and energy studying these sorts of malfunctions needs to trace to the source; be it psychological or biological, or something else entirely. Someone needs to follow the trail, wherever it leads, and make informed decisions on what to do from that vantage point. Anything else is just guessing, and guessing with neurochemicals in hand has always seemed a bad idea to me.
To the right person, the symptoms may paint a very clear picture with an obvious answer. Or perhaps it will take a bit longer. Either way, I have to believe the answer is out there somewhere, now all you have to do is find it. Good luck to both of you, and, as always, if you need anything at all just ask.
I’ll be off for two weeks around Christmas and if you guys really need to get away our house is always open (not that I need to tell you what you already know).
My love to both of you.
As always, Craig, you and Kimmie are in my thoughts and prayers. As everyone else has said, if there is anything I can do…you know the drill. Give my darling Kim a huge hug from me and then smooch her right on the lips for me too. I don’t even mind if you use a little tongue. =0)
Craig and Kim - I’ve been working in New Orleans and Mississippi in the reconstruction and it is painful to see so many new friends struggle with clinical depression - a disease that robs one of the ability to participate in the fullness of life, both the challenges and the fun. It took me awhile to find the right medication and dose (and unfortunately even the best docs have to guess) and it has been years since I have been visited by the ‘black dog’ (but I gladly take my meds everyday). Kim will get better, but the axiom of ‘one day at a time’ is very true for clinical depression. It takes time for meds to work, and the shrink is good to talk to while waiting for them to take effect. (I always thought afterward that the things I talked about with the shrink were ridiculus -’wait a minute, I didn’t have a crappy childhood!’) I know you get tons of advice, but I hope you will continue to do what you are doing, which is to get help, and continue, continue, and continue….
“The puzzle piece goes some where.”
Laurie
Craig & TBK,
after reading all these comments, it just goes to show that what you put out comes back to you.
no doubt about it.
how blessed you both are. so much Love. ;>
I’m glad you’re not moving away, although I recognize that’s my bias.
Best of luck with this medical thing. Yes, get *good* help. As in, don’t put up with anyone who just says formulaic things. My bet is, yes, it’s something emotional that’s the trigger and it can get talked out IF no particular analytical formula is imposed too quickly (formulas are fine if they fit, but if they don’t, they can obscure the view).
Would you possibly be in a position to go on v.a.c.a.t.i.o.n. for a couple of weeks sometime soon? Come back refreshed?