Craig’s post has been on my mind since I read it yesterday. I was originally going to just comment but the way I praddle on, it seemed like another post may be in order.

I’ve noticed something in the last few months. It seems that the people who are the most busy doing something aren’t as bothered by the goings-on in the city as much. I know a lot of people burying themselves in neighborhood meetings and panels for this and that. Personally, even though I know they are necessary, I still find them to be irritating wastes of time and have since discovering this, don’t attend anymore. Still others are busy rebuilding houses, even to the point that they work an extraordinary number of hours every week. Now I’m not saying these people are healthy, quite not, but they have certainly found a somewhat acceptable, if not helpful way to deal with shit. It is a fact, I think, that whatever you’re ‘thing’ was before the storm, it’s worse now. Be it drinking, weed, or working too much.

I bought the shanty because I didn’t feel like I was doing anything and it was making me weird. And aside from my occasional snap which usually only lasts a few hours; and the more than occasional saying something ignorant to a friend who will either forgive me or not – usually not; I seem to be relatively ok. Part of the problem is that people don’t have the patience for my rather, uh, unique sense of humor. I’ve been told more than once that it’s exhausting talking to me and people just don’t need that crap right now. I try and keep that in mind; I try to tone it down a little, but then I just come across as sarcastic – just like when I apologize. Online, in this setting, I used to feel less pressure but more and more I find I’m editing whole paragraphs out because I’m tired of the hate mail and the alienation of potential friendships (i.e. Termite several months ago among others).

This weekend I was volunteering at The Comedy Consortium – it was a long, kinda fun weekend. But it did come at a cost and as the weekend went on I started to become more aware of the cost. All that time down there was time I wasn’t getting anything done on the house. Not that it wasn’t the right decision – I think it was – but I was working late and getting up late, and not getting anything done during the day. So I would force myself to at least do something each day. By last night I was completely exhausted and in a rather foul mood to be at a comedy club.

This weekend (Sunday morning to be exact) I pulled a bottle of water out of the refrigerator that was frozen. So I set it on the floor in the room I live in to thaw out. This morning when I left for work, I drank about half of it – the other half was still frozen. Needless to say, the shanty isn’t treating me well. But, it didn’t excuse me for being inconsiderate to a friend I was supposed to spend time with this weekend, and it seems pretty clear that I won’t be hearing from that person again. I think I’ve just come to accept that there is a growing list of people who are more than willing to just write me (or maybe anyone) off at what would be considered a relatively minor thing anywhere else. I can try to apologize, but that usually only makes it worse (sarcasm ya know).

So my world consists of people who I can be myself around, and people I have to be very gentle with, until without thinking, I say something stupid and they walk away never to be heard from again. As a result, I don’t really bother trying to meet new people so much. In fact, I don’t really go out of my way to visit my existing friends so much. What I do is stay home, watch TV, work on the house, get drunk alone – or nearly alone. And nearly alone is the problem:

In philosophy there’s something called Phenomenology and Phenomenology leads to Ontology where there are all kinds of things, including identity (if you like math) and (my favorite lately) the Ship of Theseus. New Orleans is essentially a contemporary Ship of Theseus. And most of the people I know that are having a particularly hard time living here now are wrestling with this metaphysical question (identity vs. the Ship of Theseus) whether they realize it or not. Framing the question in this way made things much easier on me. I could see when my things were out of whack a little more easily and deal with those things on their terms while spending less energy on things that were more normal – conservation of Jack-ergy as it were.

So, why the trouble dealing with other people? Why feelings of isolation and loneliness? Good question and it’s been on my mind for a while. The first question is easy – it’s because I’m an ass and have always had questionable social skills as a person. But there are more variables now. It’s impossible for me to reliably read a person and know where they’re at on the whole continuum of “this is fucked up/it will be alright”. Plus, just because I think I know where I on the continuum doesn’t make that guess right either – it has occurred to me that I’m might be strapped to a bed somewhere heavily medicated and dreaming my everyday life…. And even if I have a good read on me, other people don’t. They have to approach me with the same caution I use on them. And that little formula (and trust me, it is a mathematical formula – more specifically, a logical syllogism) that answers the second question.

It isn’t that we’re alone, but we’re also not together. There are too many variables between each of us. Too many filters to fuck up the message between the speaker and the listener. It makes things frustrating. It makes everything exhausting. I’m tired and I don’t need other people badly enough to get locked into a revolving state of misunderstanding and miscommunication that leads to someone getting their feelings hurt for no reason at all. So with a heat gun and a putty knife, I spend more and more of my time doing little repetitive things that make me feel better, like stripping baseboards. It’s very Zen and there’s little chance of misunderstanding although I am going to start wearing a mask cause the fumes make my cigarettes taste funny.

*Charles Bukowski quote.

**and for the record, I edited, deleted or changed every paragraph in this post and started not to post it because it had the word ‘me’ in it to many times and seemed self-absorbed. I ultimately decided to post it because the self examination was triggered in part by Craig’s post and I think it’s healthy to be aware of how you’re feeling and why.