That ain’t no mullet! That there is my Missouri Compromise!

We gonna have ahselves a drag strip daddy! Hail to all the toothless hillbillies in the region, for a citadel of Podunk proportions is trying to make its way home. We are going to build a drag strip in New Orleans East if everything goes as planned. WeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeHaw, theres gonna be a linchin’ tonight. What the hell are they talking about? Does the name Jazzland ring a bell in anyone’s memory?

I can only recall the fervor and anticipation when they announced they were going to build a jazz theme park based on New Orleans on the outskirts of New Orleans. Sound dumb? It was. Marc “I’m not gay, I like my moustache” Morial came up with that brilliant disaster waiting to happen. He actually thought tourists would go to a theme park based on the city, instead of driving four more miles and visiting the city itself. I always knew he had big dreams. I think he snorted too much coke with his dad. You all know the place, that rusting hulk sitting in the swamp right off the Chalmette exit. I say we reopen it and call it Katrinaville so the gawking tourists can see the damage without going too far into the real shit storm. “Come on kids, ride the FEMA trailer of doom!” It would give a whole new meaning to the log ride. When you get to the bottom of the brown waterfall, you have to dodge the floating turds at the bottom just to give you that feeling of reality in the days after the storm. “Hey little boy, would you like to play Charity Hospital Sniper? You have to shoot the National Guard helicopters and you win a genuine half eaten chicken enchilada M.R.E.”

Now, we are talking about building another metal mass in the swamps of the east. Do we really need to chop up more swamp for this drag strip? Let the fucking turtles have their land. I don’t think 30,000 rednecks in New Orleans East is the best way to show the black and Vietnamese populations of that area that we are hopeful they are coming home. I can guarantee confederate flag sales will skyrocket at the flag shop in the Quarter. “Hi, I know you almost drowned a year ago, but we need to buy your property to build a high powered nitro fueled rubber burning Alabama flat top in your back yard. Will these magic beans about cover it?”

The only good thing to come out of this might be the funnel cakes. No self respecting sister fucking jamboree would be complete without funnel cakes. They are damn good. They say the benefits would be around 6 million a year along with the employment of 25 people. Wow, 25 people. That will really boost the economic engine. They will employ a few more on race day to help serve those delicious funnel cakes. That way, a few more people will get paid $5.65 an hour to hand out cold Budweiser to Larry, Darryl and Darryl.

I think it’s a bad idea, like you haven’t figured that out. So what do the employees do when the season ends and there are no funnel cakes to hand out? Do they go work next door at Katrinaville? I’m sure the people in Irish Bayou will love the fact that the Saints game on T.V. is being drowned out by the sound of top fuel funny cars screeching their tires and revving their engines at 700 decibels. I get pissed when the guy next door cuts the grass too early in the morning.

How much is this thing going to cost? How much money will we waste to build yet another venue that will eventually become empty? How many little swamp creatures have to lose their homes to concrete and steel? We don’t have enough people to fill the Arena for a Hornets game, but we can build another eyesore in the East that no one will go to. We lost the Brass, and the Voodoo, and the Night, and the Pelicans and the Jazz in years past because there weren’t enough people interested. We have less people now. How is this going to work? It won’t. Next thing they’re going to say is we are bidding on the 2036 Summer Olympics. I hope water sports become more prominent in the Olympics because we should be well under water by then.

Don’t we have a few abandoned streets we can retro fit into a drag strip? Why build one? They can put a light tree up on the corner of I-10 and Read blvd. There you go. Brand new drag strip with no building costs. I’m always looking to save the city some money. Your thoughts? I heard the Mayor was going to sponsor the strip by tattooing the Turtle Wax logo on his head. Get r’ Done!

p.s. Jeff Foxworthy is the anti-christ.

The End

13 Comments so far

  1. Jack Ware (unregistered) on November 14th, 2006 @ 9:04 am

    I thought there was already a drag strip in New Orleans. If there isn’t then I don’t know what those guys are doing over on Valence street until 2 in the morning. I’ve sat outside on a number of occasions and watched two cars drag down the street taking up both lanes getting up to around 80 miles an hour by the time they passed the elementary school. The neighborhood committee has discussed everything from stop signs to speed bumps – the flunkies advising the neighborhood association even suggested making Valence one way….whatever, it’s all just bullshit talk while things don’t get any better.

    Go ahead build a drag strip….what the fuck do I care anyway…….maybe they’re planning on making a bid on the Hillbilly Olympics.

  2. Ann (unregistered) on November 14th, 2006 @ 9:28 am

    you magnificent bastard.


  3. Puddinhead (unregistered) on November 14th, 2006 @ 11:27 am

    Geez…new heights in self-importance reached here. Disreagarding my own opinions on a drag strip (I have no interest whatsoever, however if private investors think they can give it a go, more power to them…although I’d be more inclined to think it would be more successful on the North Shore or in the River Parishes), what’s up with the Jazzland screed? You’re obviously aware enough to know that the impetus behind a local amusement park wasn’t as a tourist destination in an of itself as much as an attempt to address a “weakness” in the tourist attraction that is the City itself–that market studies had indicated that the perception of New Orleans across the country was that it was a place where adults could visit and find things to do, but that there was not much to attract the family tourism trade because there wasn’t much for children to do. As locals we may have at the time had legitimate arguments to counter that perception (Zoo, Aquarium, etc.), but it’s been shown that families across the country rarely have a New Orleanian sitting next to them when they make their vacation plans. The amusement park was seen as the kind of regional park that could exist as a half-day to full-day option for visiting families with children that might be the thing that makes that decision between say, New Orleans and Dallas, come down in favor of NO a little more often. It was hoped that the park could make it on local trade (thus the pushes with heavily discounted season passes) while being a short drive from downtown for visitors. And in all honesty, in spite of it’s financial woes it was a really pleasant place to take my kids the first couple of years, before Six Flags took over. I knew that was the kiss of death, having seen what happened to Astroworld after Six Flags acquired it. Unfortunately, there just aren’t many things that can get someone from Metairie, for example, to come into Orleans Parish any more. Saints game, maybe…

  4. El Stevo (unregistered) on November 14th, 2006 @ 12:45 pm

    Yeah, and I bet those dragging on Valence Street at 2 in the morning were white rednecks, right? You fucking idiot.

  5. Jack Ware (unregistered) on November 14th, 2006 @ 1:03 pm

    It was dark so I don’t know if they were white or not. Now who’s the fucking idiot? Why so angry? Still mad you can’t own slaves?

  6. Paul p (unregistered) on November 14th, 2006 @ 1:46 pm

    It’s a joke, lighten up. P.S. Jazzland sucked. We had a local amusemnet park called Pontchartrain beach and it was shut down in 1983. Now that was a local landmark.

  7. termite (unregistered) on November 14th, 2006 @ 2:45 pm

    …you had to mention Pontchartrain Beach…?? sniff..sniff.. ;(

    and i must confess, it was me dragging down Valence.
    naughty termite that i am.

    there, i said it.

  8. Paul p (unregistered) on November 14th, 2006 @ 3:14 pm

    Where on Valence did they drag race? I didn’t think it was wide enough. They must be retarded. I used to live right next to Liberto’s cleaners on Prytania a few blocks from Valence. They must be insane.

  9. Jack Ware (unregistered) on November 14th, 2006 @ 3:19 pm

    They (Termite, that is) races down Valence from Freret St. toward St. Charles Ave., past the school, and usually breezing through the stop sign near the cemetery. And it isn’t just at night – sometimes it’s in the middle of the day – especially on weekends. Never a cop around…..

  10. Robert Zas (unregistered) on November 14th, 2006 @ 8:39 pm

    I guess Shermin Coplein is finally gonna finally sell that land. Remember when he was leading the charge to build a super oval race track out there. Almost went thru until some lucky reporter unearthed who owned the land. Give you one guess and 2 hints. Hint 1 first name ryhmes with vermin. 2nd hint look at beginning of my post : )

  11. Jonah (unregistered) on November 15th, 2006 @ 9:17 am

    Redneck or not, New Orleans has long had a big drag race scene going back to the 50’s and 60’s when folks raced on Lapalco, Airline and out in the East.

    I’m not into the idea much either but knowing that this is a recreational activity many in the area have pursued at an underground level for 4 decades or so helps to justify it. In other words, I think you’ll be surprised at just how many people will attend the races when the track opens.

  12. rickymo (unregistered) on November 16th, 2006 @ 12:55 pm

    No big business can survive the 3rd world atmosphere of Orleans Parish.

  13. Laurie (unregistered) on November 17th, 2006 @ 2:21 am


    Leave the swamps the fuck alone or don’t you understand yet

    that they actually keep you from drowning.

    That’s their job; leave their function the fuck alone!!


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