The Birthplace of “Bra”

I went to a party last Saturday night, I didn’t get laid, I got in a fight UUUU huuuuuH. It ain’t no big thing. Thank you Lita Ford for such touching words from the metal days. Speaking of Metal days, has anyone been to Fat City lately? I was at a show Saturday. My friend’s band was playing to a raucous crowd of eleven people. How their manager still has a job I do not know. They played at The Bar, yes, that is the name of the place. I have to say not much has changed in this part of Metairie in at least 15 years. I walked into a time warp that night and I barely escaped.

I showed up to the place and paid the hefty $5 cover to get in. The first thing that hit you was the sound. They had the fucking music on so loud that you couldn’t concentrate on basic human functions. My ears were bleeding and I felt the low hum of cramps coming on. It was that painful. They of course played every crappy song from the early nineties that were as sucky then as they are now. I think they were playing “Bring the Noise” from Anthrax when I peered over and noticed the bartender. She was nice and polite and 8 months PREGNANT. I ordered a few drinks so she put down her CIGARETTE and went along with the order.

The usual suspects were meandering about. What Fat City bar is not complete without the borderline autistic guy who sings out loud and plays air guitar at the same time? He never felt the love of a father. It was like watching your asshole friends from years ago, but these people stayed in the warp, they never got out. Two women with bleached blond mullets showed up for the show and soon departed for greener pastures. The bands manager asked “Where are you two going? The show is just starting.” they replied, “We gone to Legends.” For those of you who don’t know, Legends is an infamous Metairie bar where top 40 cover bands play “Brickhouse” over and over again until even the fat guys get phone numbers. It’s where 40 year old bar hags and Al Copeland clones go to piss off their ex-spouses. I’ve never seen so many belt-hooked cell phones in all my life. I wish someone would tell them that acid wash jeans and white Reeboks are not the current fashion rage.

Outside The Bar, I felt like I had walked into an El Paso Wal-Mart. There were tiny Mexican tribesman hovering together on every corner. It’s nice to see the Ship’s Wheel finally bringing in large crowds. The Ship’s Wheel is a strip club grandfathered in a hundred years ago. That is why Emperor Lee puts up with it. The same strippers have worked there since 1978. You can always find a friend or a genital disease at the Ship’s Wheel.

Fat City, the jewel of Metaire, the birthplace of “Bra”, was once considered the French Quarter of Jefferson Parish. The drugs and skanks and criminals have taken over for good. Never again will the hair bands of Dino’s Rock Box and the grungees of the Charities crowd ever roam her streets. Goodbye old friend. May you sleep soundly knowing your children have grown and gone away to better things. We will not forget your forgiving nature as your dumpsters were used as temporary apartments for sexual encounters. Your sidewalks will no longer echo the tunes of The Clash and The Ramones and of course, Pantera. Well, I’m sure someone is playing Pantera somewhere up in there. Farewell, I only now see that I hate you more now than I did long ago. Die! Die! Die! You festering hulk of filth. Burn down to the pits of Hell where you belong! You stink on ice.

The End

paid for by BRA, the Bureau of Retarded Asswipes.

Just a few thoughts for you enjoyment.

3 Comments so far

  1. Ray (unregistered) on November 22nd, 2006 @ 9:56 pm

    From say bra to Ze-bra. Ladies night at Legends!

    You try to tell kids what this town was like pre-Goth Invasion and they don’t believe you.

  2. Dan F (unregistered) on November 23rd, 2006 @ 6:49 am

    Dino’s….damn I forgot all about that place- don’t remember much anyway other than waking up in the parking lot with nasty words written on my face that took 5 days to get off…Ahhh the good ole days!!!!

  3. erika (unregistered) on November 23rd, 2006 @ 4:47 pm

    Charities. Wow, I had forgotten all about that place.

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