Turkey Jerkey? No, Just Jerks

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I would like to say thanks to all of you for reading the garbage I continue to write on this here site. Here are a few things that I am thankful for. Feel free to comment or write your own happy thanks to add to the list.

Thank You:

King George Bush- for letting your fellow citizens know you were there for them in a crisis and not playing air guitar on stage in San Diego while people were drowning. I will never forget your majestic presences standing in front of Jackson Square. Oh so majestic.

Dick Cheney- For having your finger on the pulse of the nation, and cutting off the blood supply causing severe nerve damage to the Gulf South. “Go Fuck yourself Mr. Cheney!”

Massa Ray Nagin- for being completely competent and not polishing your head while the city was underwater. You deserved to be re-elected. No, really, you did.

Michael Brown- Just for being a true stand up guy. The Fairgrounds are open again. Need a job?

William Jefferson- for freezing a block of cash, not the head of a prostitute in your freezer.

The City Council- for getting everything together and working as a team, somewhat like lemmings jumping off a cliff.

Governor Blanco- for your way with words during Federal hearings. I know the committee was impressed by your thoughts on flying ponies and rainbows. They don’t like that chatter about facts and figures.

The Corps of Engineers- for being so intently careful on rebuilding the levees and assuring the safety of us all. Nothing a little duct tape and aluminum foil couldn’t fix.

The L.R.A. – for being so swift in issuing help to those who need it. You’re doing a hell of a job. Take a few more coffee breaks between applications next time. We don’t need the money right now anyway.

Oprah Winfrey- for building an entire neighborhood in Texas for displaced families. Thanks for not rebuilding their homes here. That would have been heartless.

CNN, NBC, CBS, FOX, ABC- for using complete consideration when referring to us as “Refugees” as we crossed the great desert to find shelter.

Entergy- for giving citizens some leeway in charging for electricity even as your company goes bankrupt and the city lies in ruin. I don’t recall being home the entire month of September, but you found a way to send me a “missing you” Hallmark bill for $497. You are a true corporate philanthropist and you should get the Nobel Peace Prize.

Allstate, State Farm, Mortgage companies- for showing compassion to those who were loyal customers for decades. Those who never missed a payment were rewarded by your promises to make them whole again. By whole, I mean the giant hole in the roof that you said was caused by fierce winds. Or was it water? You guys would know better than I do.

Aaron Broussard- for keeping your emergency employees at the ready, and not breaking down like a bitch on National television.

Texas- for not sending your traveling gypsy contractors to rape the pocketbooks of people in dire need.

Mexico- for not taking advantage of tax free labor and making every convenience store clerk’s life a living hell. QuerrĂ­a dos perros de chili con pimientas extra de jalapeno por favor. Secondly, you sent us a couple of trucks filled with your finest drinking water. Thanks a lot.

F.E.M.A. – for being a streamlined aid machine that brought ease to the huddled dehydrated masses at the Convention Center. It really wasn’t that hot outside.

Looters- for smashing only the businesses that had quick access to necessities for survival.

That’s all I can think of right now,

Did you ever know that you’re my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings

-Bette Midler

The End

5 Comments so far

  1. termite (unregistered) on November 22nd, 2006 @ 7:08 pm

    happy holidays OctoPaul, have a wonderful holiday.
    love your posts, keep writing. ;>

    little termite. ;D

  2. Steamoven.net (unregistered) on November 23rd, 2006 @ 12:25 am

    In New Orleans in 2006, I am thankful, oh so thankful that the LRA. The LRA is protecting us from fraud by giving no one money to rebuild. What a clever idea to prevent any corruption.
    Why didn’t congress think of that!

    Well that’s my cynical side, and I guess I am thankful for that too!

    Steam Oven Recipes Cooking

  3. Rayna (unregistered) on November 23rd, 2006 @ 2:43 pm

    I’m lovin’ it. Turkey and classic entertainment like this what more could a girl want.

  4. Laureen (unregistered) on November 25th, 2006 @ 8:01 am

    I would like to thank the Gambit and the T-P, Post Katrina, for not leveraging their power to push any governmental agency or the people to ask any serious questions regarding our retarded recovery. I appreciate that they are obliged to write brackish drivel that won’t upset the people they went to high school with, because those people are now on all the various political planning boards. Maybe the flood zone residents need their own newspaper.

    Nice post, Paul.

  5. Jack Ware (unregistered) on November 27th, 2006 @ 9:19 am

    I think the NOPD deserves some thanks – especially Chief “Wiggum” Riley – because even though they are unable to solve crimes so chiche as “in broad daylight”, at least they’ve made it almost the whole year without stealing even one Cadillac (at least that I know of).

    And thanks to the criminal element of New Orleans for utterly reducing the meaning of the long held phase: “Send in the National Guard”. Apparently, the national guard is no match for New Orleans Thuggery.

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