Seven Days…Twelve Dead

No, this is not a headline from war torn Iraq. This is from the not so front pages of the Times Picayune. Close your eyes and picture you are in the Arizona desert with Will Smith. Now repeat after me. “Wicky……. Wicky Wow Wow …….. Wahl Wahl West. Muthah Fuckin Wahl Wahl West.” Do yah get it? Really great fun isn’t it? Let’s look at a simple equation and try to figure it out. There are 188,000 people in the wonderful City of New Orleans. We all know that is complete bullshit, but for the Mayor’s sake, let’s say that’s the number. If Juju-Bee shoots 4-Track, and Cash Crop retaliates and kills Juju-Bee, how many times can Pop n’ Fresh shoot Mop and Glo and all of his crew before everyone with a fake name is dead and we can all get some sleep?

Massa Ray? Why is the City in a world of shit? “I truly do not know, I was supposed to put tracking chips into the asses of all felons getting out of jail every three days. Someone told me to sign the wrong paper and I accidentally bought 50,000 garbage cans instead. Weez just gone to make the best of a bad situmation.” Excuse me while I scat! Dooby doo be dooby do skipidy skipidy boo. MORAL: I am fucked. You are fucked. We are fucked.

Excuse me Mr. Police Superintendent? Why is it that people are being killed in every corner of your city not unlike the whimsical stories of the Old West? How are you going to combat the growing trend of violent crime in New Orleans? “Who said this was being trendy? We been havin hundreds of murders every year.” We started the trend and don’t you forget it!” We gonna put spinnin rims on every squad car and our new uniforms are going to be realy realy fucking long t shirts that go down past our knees. This way we will gain the trust of the hood rats. If that doesn’t work, were going to put a giant fence around Central City and toss a few bazookas into the intersection of Dryades and MLK. Whoever is left at the end is the murderer. Open and shut case.”

Eddie Jordan? Why are you such a dick? Your reverse racist mentality is what the city needs to come together. Thank you for adding to the growing racial tension of the city. That sure is a fancy derby though. Did you get that from K&G Men’s Wear? I bet you wear it proudly when you go to church on Sundays and pray for the hellish annihilation of all races except for the one you are part of. Instead of trying to take shell shocked police officers off of the street, maybe you should try to find out about the $750,000 dollars taken from the evidence room soon after the storm. How much was that derby anyway? I would like to check your freezer. I am calling you out dick. As usual, you put yourself and your idealistic issues before the people who voted your pathetic ass into office. You are truly one of the city’s great cock suckers.

Maybe we can try to sell this shitty swamp turd of a city back to France. Was there any kind of factory warranty on this thing? Napoleon is turning over in his grave laughing his ass off right now. Like we don’t have enough problems already, some scientist douche says we are not only sinking, but slipping sideways into the Gulf of Mexico. Do we really need Jesus to come back and tell us we are fucking retarded or can we think for ourselves for once and stop with the dumb fuck redneck attitude towards the horror that is Southeast Louisiana? There are nomads in Saudi Arabia choking on desolate seas of sand right now and they are even saying shit like” Why would those dumb fucks live in a swamp under sea level? What are they fucking retarded? Why don’t they move to higher ground? That country is big as all shit! I would like to live in the Ozarks one day, Alla willing!”

Yep, it’s pretty bad when third world countries are laughing at you. Just think of the oil royalties we would get if we let the levees go and sunk the city into the gulf. We get 100 percent of everything under 3 miles out. Sounds like a sound investment to me. All we need to do is ask the feds to buy us a giant chunk of land somewhere out in Kansas or some shit. We can all move there and everything would be the same accept there would be no water. All we need is about 200 square miles. That ain’t much. Everybody gets an allowance to haul your whole house up to Kansas. Unfortunately, you have to move next door to the same neighbors you have now. That way any disputes can be carried over for legal purposes. I’ll take St Louis Cathedral apart brick by brick and place it in the middle of a wheat field. “IF YOU BUILD IT THEY WILL COME!” Hey la ba Red Beans and Rice! Natrally Nawlins and all that good shit! I’m going to second line with James Earl Jones and suck crawfish heads with scarecrows! I’m done. I’m sorry. No cigarettes for 4 days and counting. I will return shortly with more much needed advice.

The End.

Shock the monkey, Shock the monkey tonight!

28 Comments so far

  1. dan b (unregistered) on January 4th, 2007 @ 11:34 pm

    The violence in New Orleans is freaking my shit out, and I live 800 miles away in Bloomington, IN. This is FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I lived in NOLA (still my favorite place in the world) for TWO months last year and in that VERY short amount of time a guy was murdered at 6pm, 5 houses down from where I was staying. I couldn’t believe it. It was as if the city felt the need to verify all the stories I’d heard, read and been told about in a 40 day time slot. More of the same boring shit I know, but I’m rambling because the couple in the Marigny lived out everyone’s worst nightmare and it’s really got me fucked in the head. WTF.

  2. Craig (unregistered) on January 4th, 2007 @ 11:38 pm

    Tsk. So much put-on cynicism. It’s good to know we have our own native, bonafide, historically correct Lewis Black.

    Tell us — if it sucks so bad, why did you establish a business here post-K? Bad advice? Hopeless optimism? Lotto winner?

  3. el stevo (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 9:28 am

    Fuck, I bought a house here post-K and am beginning to think that it was the worst mistake of my life. Nothing wronf with a little righteous anger there Craig and who the fuck can’t be a little cynical if you live in this morass?

    Excellent post Paul, we are of similar minds.

  4. uptowngirl (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 10:28 am

    Absolute, incredible, sheer brilliance in your writing…absolute, incredible, sheer horror that is now what’s left of New Orleans

  5. Paul p (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 11:13 am

    I thought it was a good idea at the time. It has been a year since we opened. In retrospect, I would have kept the money and waited to open a place up in Abita Springs or Kentwood or some place like that. Those people have what we call “disposable income” and can afford to spend money on going out to eat. Plus, they can digest their food better because there is no stress of possibly drowning.

  6. Please (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 12:50 pm

    It’s all been perfectly obvious for a while that this is all coming from people in Uptown. It’s an odd vantage point from which to view the city post-Katrina, I would think. And the punditry is so disrespectful of people giving it their all both in Uptown and places that are recovering.

    You want cynicism? How about folks finally writing about the “horror” only after a couple who looks like their friends is murdered? (And how often has that happened? It happens just as much in the average southern small town, a “lightning strike” chance of dying thing. The chances of lower-income people black being murdered is vastly higher.)

  7. el stevo (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 1:22 pm

    Hey Paul,

    What and where is your business? I’m assuming it is a restaurant.

  8. uptowngirl (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 1:24 pm

    Paul if you’re direction that comment at me, I don’t mean I’m from Uptown in New Orleans. I moved out of the city nearly five years ago but now don’t have anything to go home to. Uptown Girl is a song by Billy Joel. That’s where the “uptown” in the name came from.

  9. Paul p (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 1:24 pm

    The periodic outrage has happened many times before. Remember when the employees at the Pizza kitchen in the Quarter were killed and everyone marched down to City Hall to bitch about it? The city called in the State Police and Jefferson parish Police to help with the crime. It worked for about a week then it was business as usual.

    There was a string of robberies and murders around Tulane University usually victimizing young female students. Every body went nuts and as time went on it was forgotten just like everything else.

    As for the couple who were gunned down in the Marigny. I think it is a little different when productive members of society are murdered as opposed to drug dealers and gang bangers. Who gives a shit about a criminal killing another criminal. I think if it was a black doctor, we would see just as much outrage from all of the local citzens.

    These people happened to be white but they lived on rampart st. You have to feel as if your taking a chance on life when you live in the Treme. Nobody deserves to be killed, but you can lower your odds by not moving into a war zone like neighborhood.

  10. Paul p (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 1:30 pm

    Uptowngirl, I think you have me confused with PLEASE.

  11. uptowngirl (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 2:05 pm

    Sorry Paul! I’m an idiot. I realized as soon as I posted that it wasn’t you.

  12. Please (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 2:21 pm

    Has it been criminals getting killed in all other cases except this one? No. Mostly, but not in all cases involving black people and those of lower income. So why does one case lead to calls for a “revolution” from people at and lead to apocalypse-is-near style blog entires such as this one?

  13. Paul p (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 2:24 pm

    You must be new here. Have you been reading any of my blogs for the last 5 months? I am an equal opportunity hater of all things. I’m not a racist, I hate everybody.

  14. Please (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 2:41 pm

    I’m not wanting to scream “racist” at you. We’re just all influenced by the talk around us and more likely to have our ears pricked up when something happens to people who are like us demographically, and I’m hearing more talk of this incident by living in a predominantly white area. I find this really unfortunate as well, but the hysteria sparked by the one incident (and I’m already hearing others here, although not you, say that the other murders more or less didn’t matter given that they all supposedly involved drug people; nice assumption) has become troublesome rather quickly.

  15. richard (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 3:00 pm

    Just to clarify: Helen and her husband lived on Rampart Street in the Marigny, not the Treme. Having lived in the Marigny myself for well over a decade, I’d hardly call it a war zone. Mixed-income? Sure. Shabby? Here and there. Sketchy? Every so often. But definitely not a war zone. Then again, I wouldn’t call the Treme a war zone either.

    But wherever she lived, it’s bullshit to imply that Helen might in some way have been responsible for her own murder because she chose to reside in a particular neighborhood. That’s like blaming rape victims for dressing provocatively. Helen was as innocent as Kara, Michael, and Santana were that morning at Pizza Kitchen (an incident that, oddly enough, took place almost exactly ten years ago). The blame in both cases lays squarely on the shoulders of the person who pulled the trigger.

  16. el stevo (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 3:19 pm

    Article from right before Katrina below. We’re just getting back to normal here folks.

  17. Paul p (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 4:15 pm

    I did not imply that it was her fault. I agree that everyone should be able to live wherever they want to and have all the benefits of being an American citizen. I don’t think they were responsible for what happened to them. They deserved to live there as much as anyone else did.

    My wife lived on 7th st in the Irish Channel and was a home owner. She decided to live there. When the crime rate shot up and things got a little squirrelly, she decided to sell and move to a safer place. Unfortunately, we live in a city full of people who believe that they can do whatever they want with no consequences. And they do get away with it.

    Therefore, the rules of normalcy do not apply here. I do know however that my chances of being the victim of a crime rise drastically if I move from Broadway in Uptown to St Claude and Poland Ave. Therefore, I would not move there.

    Despite the fact that these people were victimized, nothing will be done about it. Nothing. The next person could be me or you or somebody’s grandmother. Nothing will be done about it. Until we make drastic changes to make New Orleans like the old Dodge City, we will still be random targets on a daily basis.

    Try this. New Orleans makes the possession of hand guns completely illegal. Permit or not. You get caught with a gun, you go to jail. If you commit a crime using a gun, you get tried as a terrorist and are subject to the courts decision as a terrorist would be. If you have a permit, we will politely take your gun away until the city is rid of crime. Fuck the federal laws man, this is crazy town. Some super drastic shit has to go down here before anything gets better.

  18. Paul p (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 4:22 pm

    The people we are dealing with have no conscience. They have no morals. They could care less whether they live or die so why would they care about anyone else. Most of the murders are drug and gang turf related. Fuck them. Have a sponsored battle rumble in the middle of Central City with paint guns. The last man standing is Spacelord masta Drug Pusher. Everyone else gets a tattoo of a pink triangle tattooed on their foreheads. I bet no one would show up. They are cowardly fuckers.

  19. crawgirl (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 5:48 pm

    Paul, I don’t think you’ve ever left Jefferson Parish. fuck off.

  20. Carol (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 7:57 pm

    Paul, you rock. Seriously.

  21. paulp (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 8:45 pm

    Wow Crawgirl. Is that the best you can do? I really could give a rats ass what any body thinks. I don’t know any of you and you don’t know me. So therefore, you can personally attack me and I could give a shit. Will this make you feel better? I’m sorry the world is not full of gumdrops and unicorns like your alternate reality allows you to believe. If the truth scares you, then continue to live in your hipster world of denial. Long live the Pope. Long live Thor. Hail Ming!

  22. Brian B (unregistered) on January 5th, 2007 @ 11:34 pm

    Ay yo Paul P – your post kicks arse!

    But, in order to solve the crime problem in NO, someone has to take a holistic appraoch. If you have more police, but the courts are corrupt – crime still exists. You can solve murders and put criminals behind bars, but if the school system is still fucked – the second wave of crime won’t be far behind. One has to emcompass the gubment corruption, the school system, the job market, methodology of police, restructuring the court system, and community involvment in order to give a foundation for a better atmosphere.

    Your thoughts on Gun Control I disagree with. Do you think criminals actually go into stores, fill out all the paperwork, wait for a clean background check in order to purchase a gun? If anthrax were readily availible on the streets that had no guns, we would see alot of Drive By Powderings! Criminals have access to guns just like illegal drugs. Making guns illegal would make it worse! Guns don’t kill people – crackheads, drug dealers, police, crazy people kill people.

    My solution would be get the worse neighboorhood in New Orleans, fix up the houses and clean the streets, make the school in that district the best around with the greatest teachers, try to educate/job train the adults and supply them with a job and have them payoff a mortgage to the house they live in, eliminate the corner grocery stores that sell alcohol and rolling papers, have a community center to help drug addicts become clean, integrate police who grew up in that area to patrol that area, and have the community involved in something – and I think you’ll see a drastic change in that hood! Make a model enviornment that everyone wants to be in and you will eliminate crime! We could probably do this for less money than one space shuttle launch. Just make sure Congressman Jefferson doesn’t work out the details!!!

    Love, peace, and Soul!

  23. dewdropquantum (unregistered) on January 6th, 2007 @ 10:15 am

    I moved here fifteen years ago from up north. My uptown widow landlord wanted to make sure I owned a firearm, and it kind of shocked me (not believing in guns and all). Now I own a Mossberg 12 for the home, and I am going for a conceal & carry permit for everyday sidearm use. I am sick of this shit.

  24. Paulp (unregistered) on January 6th, 2007 @ 10:50 am

    The grand idea is fantastic and I applaud ye for it. The gun thing was just a joke, like the rest of the original post. I understand what in a perfect utopia needs to be and would be done. Unfortuneately, we live in New Orleans. Half assed before K and one 16th assed after. We can barely get a hospital open and no nazi corporations or joe schmo activists are going to invest in rebuilding the crappiest neighborhood in town. It would be a great gesture, but it won’t happen.

    My friend the witch doctor, he taught me what to say
    My friend the witch doctor, he taught me what to do
    I know that you’ll be mine when I say this to you

    He said oo ee, ooo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang, ooo ee, oooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang.

  25. Rayna (unregistered) on January 6th, 2007 @ 5:33 pm

    Paul, I love this post It made sense to me and it made me laugh. frustration can get you down sometimes but I love the way you turn it into great posts like this one.

  26. jujubee (unregistered) on January 7th, 2007 @ 12:07 am

    My Idea

    $500 gift certificate to EITHER Home Depot or American Airlines for every gun surrendered. No questions asked. Get the fuck building, or get the fuck gone.

    For 17 million dollars we could have 34,000 guns off the streets of New Orleans and everyone who stayed in this cesspool we call home, could buy their own fuck off garbage cans from Home Depot.

  27. Elwood Blues (unregistered) on January 9th, 2007 @ 5:39 pm


    I think what you meant to say was:

    Wiki, Wiki, Wik!
    Well, I’m a bad assed cowboy livin in the cowboy days. Jiggy wiggy!
    Scratch! Yo, yo! Bang, bang!
    Me and Artimus Clyde Frog go and save Salma Hayek
    From the big metal spider.
    Awiggy wiggy wig, wiggy wiggy wig!
    Fresh cowboy from the west side!

    Of course, Eric Cartman is a cartoon character who is occasionally funny. There’s nothing funny about what’s happening in New Orleans these days.

    P.S. to Uptown Girl: The song was written about Christy Brinkley. Tatoo that big ol’ “L” on Billy Joel’s head, y’all. ;)

  28. Fred (unregistered) on January 9th, 2007 @ 7:00 pm

    I’ve actually posted these same comments on another post but I feel so strongly about this that I felt it beared repeating.

    “All part of big city living, it is up to the citizens to raise enough stink to get city hall’s attention and increase patrols in our areas.”

    Now this is easy for me to say, I don’t live there. But it breaks my heart to see this happening to a city I absolutely adore. What I don’t understand is that I would think the citizens would eventually say “enough already”. The biggest problem is that you have a mayor which simply doesn’t give a rat’s ass. He only pulls his head out of the sand long enough to attend his next social event. Not because he thinks it’s good for the city, but because he’s a media whore who’s too inept to create his own media footprint and has to rely on other people to do it for him.

    But I digress…

    This seems to me that it’s the perfect time for an old fashioned, steps of city hall protest. With signs and everything. Too many years of being “The city that care forgot” has created some rather deep fucking rooted apathy. Sounds like most citizens are taking after “Hizzoner” and burying their heads in the sand hoping it will just magically go away. Please note that I said “most”, not all.

    As much as I’d like to see it happen, I pray The Saints DON’T win the Super Bowl because all those punk ass murdering cowards are going to set that city ablaze in so-called drunken revelry. We’ve all seen it happen and with the penchant for fires in that beautiful city, it could go up like a tinderbox. If the Saints do win the big game, I want to see the french quarter on CNN for all the right reasons, not because cop cars are overturned and Pat O’Briens is burning to the ground.

    This is all rambling and I apologize for that but it just seems to me that there should be less complaining and more people willing to want to MAKE a change instead of waiting for change to happen. Because it sure as hell don’t happen by itself.

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