Jesus was a carpenter, he built my gazebo
I’m bored. I’m waiting for this horrific weather to come in and its past 12 now. I don’t feel any different but the Pumpkins in the living room have turned into a pack of Twizzlers. “Cheaters” is on t.v. in the background. I have my raincoat on and the flatboat is at the ready. I currently have at my desk a box of Whitman’s Samplers. My mother found it necessary to purchase this box along with 11 others because they were 2 for 1 at Walgreen’s. She dropped it off today along with a box of Bagel Bites. They are delicious tiny pizzas with a world of flavors inside. I would have preferred a giant bag of Pizza Combos but any type of free food is always welcome at the household.
I hope the water subsides long enough for me to go frog hunting in the back yard. All you need is a flashlight and a rake from your garage. Them’s is good eatins. On my way back from Natchez last weekend I almost ran over what I thought was going to be a pigeon from a quarter mile away. Turns out it was one of those big fuck off hawks chowing down on a skunk or some other deteriorated shit. It almost flew right into the windshield. Lucky for me I had just applied a fresh coat of Rain-X windshield protector. I was not afraid.
We have new next door neighbors. The guy is one of those people who buys a house and all of his friends hang out there every day. Needless to say there is no parking anywhere in the neighborhood. They even have three cars parked on their front lawn as we speak. Thank you considerate neighbor, the appraisal value of this house just went down about $50,000. I’m waiting for him to set up his cinder block collection for such things as Trans-Ams with no engines and the occasional propping up of the window unit. I wonder if he’ll make one of those gardens where they take an old tire and cut the sides and use it as a nice border for his roses.
Does anyone except perverts and Hollywood reporters really give a shit about what happens to Anna Nicole’s body? Headline on CNN for three weeks now? Fuck! No wonder Europe, China and Japan are kicking our financial asses. I think I need to get some Lexapro so these things don’t keep me up at night. Oh, I’d like to add a new commercial to my list. The one for Yasmin birth control pills where the girls are just hangin in da club talking shit about birth control pills and the middle one turns out to be a doctor. Now we have to deal with a new female disorder. PMS wasn’t enough, now there is PMDD. What the fuck is that you say? It’s another reason for your significant other to get an attack of the ape shit crazies once a month. Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder. It’s a more severe case of PMS that may cause severe depression and suicidal thoughts. Is that the guy’s symptoms? Jesus, sometimes I feel like I’m going to drive off a fucking bridge. “I’ll take the number 4 with a coke and your largest barrel of Yasmin please.”I found this information at know your cycle.com. Very informative. It’s like the lifetime channel for the internet.
I told you I was bored. I still don’t here any rain or anything yet. Dawn Brown, why do you mock us with promises of torrential rains? I’m watching the History Channel now and there is a Star Trek history show on. They just showed how some super spaz just bought the original model for the Enterprise for $500,000. Yes, that is 5 zeros. I wonder how many homeless people could have eaten tonight while Gordon puts on his Spock ears and wacks off into the bridge of his new purchase. I sold my comic books and baseball cards when I was 18 and bought a car with the money. I collect souls now. It costs more up front but the return is unbelievably profitable. What the fuck is wrong with people?
The History Channel really needs a cup check. I remember the good old days when you would turn it on and there would be Nazis and Romans and George Washington. Now I get to learn how gold is smelted and where Jelly Belly jelly beans are made. I just saw the Outback commercial. That is one catchy ass tune. It’s not quite as good as the baby back ribs thing but a close second. Still no rain.
We had some celebrities in the restaurant in the last few weeks. Devery Henderson from the Saints came in. Spud from WWl was there Thursday. I keep forgetting to bring the camera. I never really was impressed when seeing or meeting a “celebrity”. I think it was because when I was 19 my brother’s band opened up for 311 at the Varsity in Baton Rouge. I was the “roadie” for the night which gave me access to backstage. I was hanging around in the dressing room and the drummer for 311 had really loud and explosive diarrhea. I knew at that moment that everyone is the same when your pants are around your ankles. Since then, I have never been star struck. True story, I have hundreds of them.
I once had Christmas dinner with Harry Connick Jr. He was in his early twenties. My cousin was his best friend in high school, and Harry’s parents were out of town for the holidays. My cousin invited him to my grandmother’s house for dinner. He was quiet and didn’t say much, but my 80 year old aunt had a Steinway on the other side of the double shotgun. We went over and she ripped it up with him on the piano for a few hours. Then I hit him in the head with a candelabra and took his wallet. True story, except for that last part.
OK it’s time to go now. See you in the depths of Hell.
“I’m up from my down.
I turn it around.
But making it back,
I’m not gonna drown.
I’m taking a stance.
I won’t miss a chance.
I want you to see
I’m not scared to dance.”