Several months ago, when they first announced you could sign up on the city’s website for new trashcans, I went on there and filled out the little form, one for 2400 and one for 2402 and didn’t think much else of it. Then one day I came home from work and noticed shiny new Oscar the Grouch houses all over my neighborhood. Curiously, mine were not delivered. So I gave it another week or so for someone to “Oh shit” and fix the problem but it never happened.

So I’m guessing about six or eight weeks ago I went back to the website and checked that my registration was there as best I could (by that I mean I tried to register again and it said the addresses were already registered). So I called the number on the city site for people living South of I-10. Apparently I don’t live South of I-10 though several trips to Google Maps seems to suggest otherwise. Finally getting a hold of the right people, they were polite, checked my registration, said it must have been an oversight and assured me it would be taken care of. I mean we’re paying enough for this trash service so I’d like to think it will work nicely. It’s like if a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder Value Meal cost $500: you’d expect it to be very good quality, prepared perfectly, and gently handed through the drive thru window by a smiling, half naked, super model. Still… nothing.

So today I called back, after forgetting the numbers are listed in as if the earth’s polarity has already flipped. Then I called the right number. More checking just like last time but more fun. The system shows that no can was delivered to 2400 since no one lives there. How was that determined? By checking the meters. What meters you might be temped to ask? Why the one’s on the side of the house. Electric, gas, water? She couldn’t say but it doesn’t matter since they’re all on anyway. So I was very clear in stating that someone does indeed live there and that all utilities are on and running and that they should deliver a trashcan immediately. Should be delivered tomorrow….we’ll see.

But wait, there’s more!! Act now and we’ll include a second ridiculous problem at no extra charge! A trashcan was delivered to 2402. They were quite certain of this. I beg to differ. I informed the nice lady that no can was delivered there. She insists it was. I explained that I have no doubt your system shows one was delivered, but I live there and I’m telling you as of this morning when I left for work there has never been a trashcan delivered to that address. All she kept saying was that one was delivered. It was really quite unpleasant. I mean I really don’t care what the system says after all, I care whether there’s a trashcan at the damn address and there isn’t. So she informs me that I’ll need to file a police report and call her back with the number they give me so she can send out a replacement. And to be fair, I guess that isn’t a lot to ask but by then I was not happy with the whole process. But isn’t it likely to just be a mistake? She insists that it could not be a mistake because of the process they have in place. I reminded her that the mobile think tank delivering the receptacles couldn’t determine someone lived at 2400 with all the meters running – I mean, come on, it isn’t like they’re trying to determine if a caveman had been camping there 3000 years ago. All you have to do is look around.

I can’t very well file a police report on a stolen trashcan when I have no proof it was stolen since I’ve never actually seen it – that would be filing a false police report which is a crime. In fact, the trashcan isn’t even mine – the city owns it. So really, no one stole my trash can – someone stole the city’s trashcan if it was stolen at all and the city should file a police report stating that someone stole they shit. She assured me it wouldn’t be a problem and that they would find the trashcan anyway. It just seems to me that there are an awful lot of thieves and murderers running the streets for me to believe the police can find anything – a trashcan or otherwise.

That’s when I got this convoluted story about the trashcans having bar codes and GPS locators….it was all very confusing. Well, then find my trashcan and bring it back to my house: problem solved. But no, it’s not that easy. So, being an inquisitive guy I had to ask some more questions. Like, well, if I go through this filing the false police report to claim the city’s property was stolen based on no proof whatsoever and you bring me another one, what if the same Burt wannabe steals that one too what happens then? Well, you have to pay for the next one which is about $100. Ok then. So I should chain it to my house when it gets there? No you can’t do that. And it turns out you can’t put your name on them, which wouldn’t make sense to do anyway, but you should paint the address on it. So what happens if the person that stole it painted their address on it? She told me to just paint over it – which begs the question, what is painting your address on there really accomplishing? And why should you have to if it’s got bar codes and GPS locators all over it? I suggested I’ll use my propane torch to burn my address onto the front of the can. She wasn’t sure that’s a good idea but I assured her it was.

I suggested that I wouldn’t file the illegal police report since I don’t want to go to jail – not that the police could find me anyway. And that I just won’t use the trashcan. I was informed that I would be fined $500 for non-compliance. Which is funny since I am complying in that I desire a trashcan and have made several attempts to acquire one through the recommended means. Seems to me they are non-compliant and should pay me $500 for wasting my time and acting an ass. Wow, define fuct.

I have to use their trashcan, but they can’t get me one, or if they can, it is promptly stolen. Then I, having little to do with the situation thus far have to file a police report and they’ll send out another one which will likely also be stolen leading me to have to buy one of their over-priced trashcans and wait for them to deliver it for it to be stolen again. In the mean time I could be fined five times the cost of a trash can for not having a trash can which would still leave me without a trashcan.

But the best irony is that I already have a trash can though not one of theirs. Know where I got it? It was part of the regular litter that shows up in my yard every day. Someone actually littered a trashcan. I’ve been using it ever since. It doesn’t have a lid, but I figure if I wait long enough, that will show up in my litter as well.

I’m just not seeing why we’re paying $500 for a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder Value Meal – and I’m not impressed.