WWJD (What Would Jack Do)

Those loopy Christians and their silly superstitions. I’m talking, of course, about the picture of Jesus in the Slidell courthouse. It’s not a bad picture per se, just of some imaginary guy reading from the bible with a quote (oddly in Russian) that says “To know peace, obey these laws”. So my little interpretation seems to suggest that people are expected to follow the laws of the bible, among which are the 10 Commandments. That’s cool I suppose. I mean we are a mostly Christian nation right? But I think even the most devout Christians should really stop and think about the implications. I’m not even talking about the implications of Religious Freedom and Separation of Church and State.

I’m talking about following the Bible as a legal document. The first problem is that it suggests that you can’t follow the Constitution of the United States because it puts the law of man above the law of God. So you can’t really argue that you have a constitutional right to have the picture up there since you’d be breaking the first law and have to be stoned to death. Nice hu.

But beyond that, if you’re going to suggest the Bible as a Legal text then you not only have to decide what is right and wrong based on it, but what the punishment should be. For example, let’s look at rape. “If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her.” (Deuteronomy 22:28-29) And if the victim is married and doesn’t cry out for help “If within the city a man comes upon a maiden who is betrothed, and has relations with her, you shall bring them both out of the gate of the city and there stone them to death: the girl because she did not cry out for help though she was in the city, and the man because he violated his neighbors wife.” So, uh, that’s kinda cool.

And really, there’s going to be a lot of killing in Slidell if the citizens really wanna follow the bible as a judicial text. Here’s a quick list of the people that’ll have to be killed if they live in Slidell: Anyone caught working on Sunday (Exodus 31:12-15), Anyone who’s gay (Romans 1:24-32), Anyone of a different religion (Deuteronomy 13:1-5), Any woman not a virgin on her wedding night (Deuteronomy 13:1-5), nonbelievers like me (Chronicles 15:12-13), Anyone having sex outside of marriage (Leviticus 21:9), Adulterers and whoever they’re having sex with (Leviticus 20:10), Anyone who curses their parents (Leviticus 20:9), Fortune Tellers (Leviticus 20:27), and people who don’t listen to priests (Deuteronomy 17:12) just to name a few. In fact, Slidell will be obligated to attack the surrounding communities and destroy them if even one person in that community was of another religion. (Deuteronomy 13:13-19)

It isn’t all bad though because slavery would make a comeback as long as you bought them from foreigners (Leviticus 25:44-46) The only exception being if you want to sell your own daughter as a sex slave (Exodus 21:7-11) The medical crisis will be over since they won’t need doctors; they can just pray for a cure (James 5:14-15)

But maybe all this isn’t fair. Maybe I’ve taken it all out of context and exaggerated it horribly. Well, maybe I did but feel free to look up the references I’ve listed if you’re that damn bored. Maybe I’m misinterpreting some of them – that’s certainly possible. Also possible is that I’m just an asshole. But so everyone can make up their own mind I’ll post the 10 Commandments and the punishments for breaking them (pulled from various resources) without commenting further.

1. I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not have strange gods before me.
death by stoning.

2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.
death by stoning.

3. Remember thou keep the Sabbath Day.
death by stoning.

4. Honor thy Father and thy Mother.
death by strangulation

5. Thou shalt not kill.
death by decapitation

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
death by strangulation

7. Thou shalt not steal.
death by strangulation

8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
death by stoning

9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife.
death by strangulation

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s goods.
death by strangulation

51 Comments so far

  1. Ann (unregistered) on July 11th, 2007 @ 11:06 am

    Hey Jack – I couldn’t find an email for you. Can you post something about this travesty of justice and askwhy the ACLU isn’t all over this?

    The Jena Six



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