I really, really, reeeeeeeeeealy try to stretch my mind and imagination. It’s good for Old Dudes like me — wards off Alzheimer’s, y’know? But this kinda tests it.

As Rayna pointed out in an earlier post, it’s hot here in New Orleans. Very hot. If you’re from here you know that two things go on in New Orleans during the summer. The heat is oppressive number one. It is stifling. Imagine walking in a huge bowl of Jell-O that’s hot but still in its gelatin state. That’s what it’s been like for the last 5 days.

The other things that locals know about summertime in New Orleans is that the shootings always rise in the summer. It’s been that way since my first summer in New Orleans. We get very hot, tempers are very short and we just start shooting each other. Some would say we do that all year long. I can’t disagree with that. We lead the nation in murders so it’s not like all of them occur during the summer, but it has always gotten worse when the heat rolls in around May.

I’ve always tried to figure out why it is that when the heat rises so does the city’s collective anger/frustration/dislike of each other. Blaming the heat is the easy way out but I think it’s a contributing factor. No schools in session could have an effect. Daylight last longer so you would think that would decrease the numbers but it doesn’t.
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I’m Melting!! I’m Melting!!!!!

Good site. Check it out.

I am not an engineer. I don’t play one on TV and I didn’t stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. I am not vouching for the accuracy of everything contained in this particular blog. But, given its detail and focus, I think it’s certainly worth looking at.

Thanks to Mark Folse for pointing it out and, obviously, to Matt McBride for putting all the effort into it — not that any of the conclusions are a tremendous surprise. This is our world anymore.

Well finally. Not that little dust-up about someone local being corrupt. Resign, who’s gonna replace him blah blah blah. I’m done with that loser. Was actually done with him oh about 20 years ago when he was scamming the city and the state with his “legitimate” businesses. I’m talking about the honorable explanation that half the city has been waiting for. The other half thought and still thinks the “man” is out the get good ole Dollar Bill.

I’m too lazy to go get the audio for ya. I’m sure the station will put the video/audio up on the website at some point. But here’s that honorable explanation we’ve all been waiting for:

“Did I bribe a foreign official? Absolutely not. The $90,000 was the FBI’s money. The FBI gave it to me as part of their plan that I would give it to the Nigerian Vice President. But I did not do that”.

Yes Bill we know the 90k was the FBI’s. And we know you didn’t give it to anyone because it was in your freezer.

The sad part of all of this is that some people will still believe him. When Dollar Bill ends up in the federal pen for maybe 150 or 200 years, some members of the black community will still think he’s been setup. This “honorable explanation” does nothing but play into the impression that Bill has helped perpetuate that the white man is out to ruin the black man. He clearly has no problem abusing power but to continue to try and keep the black community in his back pocket says more about the man than any indictment ever could.

I think the good Congressman is onto something here. Honorable explanations for almost any circumstance! Here are a couple, feel free to add your own.

Those bodies are not mine officer, Coroner Frank Minyard ask me to hold them for him.

That women is not a mistress honey, the FBI asked me to fuck her

That was not my marijuana. A blind man with glaucoma asked me to keep it for him.

I did not shoot that man; he walked in front of my loaded gun and asked me to shoot him.

I didn’t take that copper pipe out of your home; the dog spoke to me in the middle of the night and said that I could have it. For free. By tearing it out of your newly plastered walls.

The FBI gave me this machete to go chop up some wood and those people just got in the way of the tree.

…so I’m headed up Tchoupitoulas this afternoon, going to the grocery store. I had to stop at the intersection of Third and Tchoup to wait for this little white truck to pass — and I notice some kinda corporate logo on this white Ford Ranger as it passes. I get in traffic behind it and I notice it’s got a logo from Troy Aikman Ford in Dallas — a place I have been to on a truck hunt with my daughter last year.

We go a few blocks upriver and get nearly to Louisiana Ave. when the driver of this Ford Ranger tosses this HUGE wad of trash out onto the street. I mean like 3-4 fast-food bags — and these bags and the wrappers and the cups fly all over Tchoupitoulas.

Nonononononono…..
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I have recently accepted the facts about immigrant workers in the New Orleans area as being plain okay. At first it was a little strange and I’ll admit a little hard to get used to. I went to Safari the other day to get one of those fancy car washes. I was about to leave with the car and did not realize I had to show them the receipt to get my car back. The dude made the international sign for “Do you have a cigarette?” I was handing him a cigarette when he said “No, No, Receblahblahblah -iente~”. Of course this is a rough version of only what I heard. I looked at him with possibly the most horrific confused face he had ever seen. Then another guy comes up and says “recepio, uh receeeeepata!” Then I knew what he meant. All was good. I figure if people who don’t speak English are going to live and work here, it might help to learn a bit of the language they speak. Thats all for now.

The Indian man who owns the convenience store next to the restaurant speaks English perfectly as well as his native tongue though I have no idea what the language is in India. He recently learned Spanish because now 30% of his customers don’t speak English. Okay, I’m being to nice about everything. It is paining me in my heart to say good things about anything.

I hear the mayor is going to run for congress when Bill “Weezy” Jefferson gets booted out. Will anyone join me in a mass writing campaign to MAKE him run for congress so we can get someone else to be mayor? I never thought I would hope to see Massa Ray run for anything, but anywhere else than here is the best for all of us.

I went to Cooter Brown’s Saturday night. I accidentally put a twenty in the online jukebox and had 80 credits to kill. If any of you were there and had to sit through Motorhead and DEVO for three hours I whole heartedly apologize.

I forgot who, but one of the other authors wrote about Fiorella’s and having a bad experience. I have to agree, After I killed a giant cockroach sitting on the porthole above my head, I indulged in possibly the worst Roast Beef poboy I had ever eaten. The place was filthy but it was open. The onion rings were good.

Being recently freed from any obligations, I forgot how nice it was to see old friends. Mad props to Kizzo and Otto’s owner for hanging til 4am Saturday night. “The Thrill ” could not hang as usual. He gets drunk too fast.

I am going to start working late nights but will have the weekends off, so if anyone wants to come by the restaurant and hang out and eat we will be opening til 12 midnight soon. Unfortunately, my financial backers wish to keep the location of the place off of Metroblogging because I say some pretty stupid shit from time to time and they don’t want to be associated with my sarcastic bullshit. If you dig around you’ll figure it out. I will say that I hold the restaurant not responsible for any of the opinions or comments posted by me to this website.

Thanks for your support,

Hail Ming!

Feel the power, you see the energy
Comin’ up
Coming on strong
The future only belongs
to the future itself/in the hands of itself
and the future is
ELECTRIC YOUTH

– Debbie Gibson

“Gary, Indiana, Gary Indiana,
Not Louisiana, Paris, France, New York or Rome,
But Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana,
My home sweet home!”

I always thought this tune by Meredith Willson in The Music Man was so ludicrous — since Gary has been, for decades, at or near the job of the list of cities with high per-capita murder rates. But guess what? Gary has been edged out by our own fair city for 2006.

(Man — there’s just SO much to write about today. There’s even some action on the Northshore, if one cares to look. Well, not actually LOOK, but — well, you know.)

I guess I could have combined this with the entry on Dollar Bill Jefferson, but what fun is that? Murder and white (giggle)-collar crime are two different categories and, besides, lighting caught the mansion up the street on fire yesterday so my brain is a little addled. Ah’m gittin’ th’ vapuhs.

So, as the song says, Gary, Indiana, is “NOT Louisiana.”,

Nope. Statistically, at least in 2006, it was safer.

I’m tempted to go up to Marengo St. and camp outside the house of my esteemed congressman, William “Dollar Bill” Jefferson, now that he’s been indicted.

I mean, think of the fun — standing around with media types, go-cup in hand, wearing shorts and a Hawaiian shirt, just enjoying the nice late-spring weather and hoping to catch a glimpse of…wait… is it? YES! Our very own, duly elected representative sworn to abide by and uphold the US Constitution. And he’s doing it in the traditional New Orleans style, too — except these alleged bribes were being paid by foreign nationals as opposed to the more normal source from in-town or in-state cronies. I’m sure the thinking was, “hell — why piss around with the local guys when we can go INTERNATIONAL?” I feel so…..so…..United Nations, y’know?

Indictment doesn’t mean conviction, of course, and Lord knows I’m not going to presume guilt. I’m sure there’s an explanation. I mean — my district elected you, right? We believed in you, didn’t we? Despite the exponential growth of evidence, we still supported you. Only we, the electorate, put you back in office and chose to ignore the naysayers. We were right while everyone else IN THE FREAKING COUNTRY was standing around in slack-jawed disbelief at your re-election.

Bill? Billy? Say it ain’t so, my man.

As if we haven’t seen evidence enough over the past seven years — this nation (and this district) truly does get the government it deserves.