The New Outlook

In the interest of not offending anyone, scaring off potential tourists or new residents, and portraying the city of New Orleans in the most positive light possible, I’ve decided to go for a new style when I post something. Certainly hope that you enjoy and learn just how easy and wonderful the city of New Orleans is after Ms. Katrina. I hope this new style will bring millions of people rushing to New Orleans, to experience just how great we are rebuilding America’s most unique city.

I woke up this morning and had some cereal for breakfast. The milk was so cold I got a brain freeze and almost passed out! What a way to start the day! Plus it was Capt’n Crunch. I just love those little red cereal pieces. Did anyone know they tasted like fruit? I was very surprised.

The Pepper-naitor was jumping all over the place wanting his walk. I wouldn’t want to hold my bladder either so I threw on some shorts and out we headed. Boy has anyone noticed how hot it is? I have a brilliant idea! Why don’t we build a big plastic bubble over the country, air conditioned of course, so we don’t have to suffer in this heat? I’m going to write my wonderful congressperson and senator on this idea. I know they will jump right on it because my ideas are perfect for everyone!

As Pepper and I were taking our laps around the French Quarter, a wonderful man approached us. In other cities, I might have been concerned about some kind of criminal activity. But not here in New Orleans. Everything is wonderful, all is well. This wonderful man just needed some spare pocket change because his momma’s baby needed some diapers. That is really a worthy cause so I went to the ATM and got him 50 dollars. Diapers cost money now a days you know. As long as that baby’s ass isn’t dirty, I’m a happy camper. I’m sure he would never use the money for some other less-worthy cause.

I stopped and picked up today’s paper on the way home. I like to keep up with the social scene around town ya know. It’s really why we are all here. Oh good, the sweet 16’s are coming out! I just love how these young women are about Peace throughout the world. My oh my look at the dress on that one! How I would love to be able to be regal like that, spinning around on the dance floor in high heels and a thousand-dollar dress. That really is the meaning of life right there. High heels and fabric that cost 3 bucks at the fabric store turned into a thousand dollar dress! If only more people thought like me the rest of the country would be so much better.

Ugh! Why must the paper continue to write stories about crime, rebuilding and such? Don’t they know that those kinds of stories are such a downer? Millions of trees are wasted daily so they can write about other people’s struggles. Don’t they know that my life is wonderful and that I could care less about the suffering of others? If I were the editor I would bump all those stories and just write about sweet 16 parties. That’s more important than some councilman getting some money.

Speaking of which, why this witch-hunt for so called corruption? Who cares? Oliver Thomas helped my momma get some shells in her driveway so her car wouldn’t sink in the mud. He’s a good man. If he decided to run for mayor I’d vote for him anyday. He’s one of the good guys. I’m sure he didn’t do anything wrong, just some extra pocket change. I try to get mine too so what’s wrong with him getting some piece of the pie? Nothing, it’s just all a conspiracy.

It’s lunchtime already! Wow time flies around here. I hate to go out in the heat but until the bubble is built I must. Pizza is what I’m craving. The little joint down the street is where I always go. No need to try something new or different. Change is bad. Different is bad. So none of that around here. Just like my city.

Oh look how cute. A girl who looks about 18 is carrying her two babies around the quarter. Oh it’s so special to see a lovely young woman investing in motherhood at such a young age! She certainly knows how to discipline those children. That’s right honey, if they don’t listen just slap them around! My daddy raised me with a head slap almost daily and look how I turned out! If only more people thought and lived like I do the world would be a better place.

I have almost finished reading the paper. I go through the paper first and cut out all the stories I think are wrong. I have all the answers and know everything (take that Professor Jenkins!) so why bother to read something I KNOW is going to be wrong anyway. Then I read about Paris Hilton (in a new movie! Yeah!) And poor Lindsey Lohan. Why can’t the hater’s just leave these people alone? I can’t wait until I’m famous like those two! Isn’t that what life is all about anyway?

Oh no we could have a problem Houston. The police are detaining some young man on the corner. I’m sure it’s because he’s wearing jeans and a white T-shirt that is 4 sizes too big. Why do we even have police? All they are here for is to harass the innocent. Because everyone in New Orleans is innocent. I hear these “crime” things if I can’t change the TV channel quick enough but I know they are just media stories to try and give people the wrong impression. I just hate that! Why can’t they do more stories about that wonderful man who was trying to clothe his baby? Or about the pizza shop on the corner? Who cares about the Road Home? I’m fine over here so that’s someone else’s problem.

I really only get upset about one thing anymore. Pecans. That’s right, I think there is a conspiracy out there to keep the good big pecans away from the people. I haven’t figured out why the government would be hoarding pecans but I know they are. It really upsets me when I have to use pecan pieces instead of full pecans. I’m on top of this big-time and will have more to come on the Pecan conspiracy in future blog updates so stay tuned!

10 Comments so far

  1. Patty (unregistered) on August 19th, 2007 @ 12:12 pm

    Dan–You are brilliant. Of all the metrobloggers, your’s is the only name I remember.I know when I see a New Orleans post it could be you and you are consistently worth reading. Thanks for the satire. And thanks for being real.


  2. Craig (unregistered) on August 19th, 2007 @ 1:25 pm

    You should have titled this entry “Fluffy Goes To Bunnyland.”

    When I was in Houston a few weeks ago, someone actually asked me, “we don’t they report any GOOD news?”

    Sheesh.


  3. Cade Roux (unregistered) on August 19th, 2007 @ 2:19 pm

    Please take care of the pecan thing – that’s been bugging me, too.


  4. Robert Sutton (unregistered) on August 19th, 2007 @ 5:50 pm

    Mr. Burns can solve the heat problem, Call ENTERGY.


  5. kapaali (unregistered) on August 19th, 2007 @ 6:16 pm

    Hilariously brilliant!


  6. Laurie (unregistered) on August 19th, 2007 @ 7:03 pm

    The pecan thing-the year of hurricane Katrina all the pecans fell green.

    This year all the pecans are fallin’ green.

    Laurie


  7. edison52@hotmail.com (unregistered) on August 19th, 2007 @ 10:12 pm

    This digresses. . like a couple others who have burst into thin-air here. It’s lunchtime already?? . . . Oh look how cute?? We must suffer this experiment? You were doing great with the Meter Maid Spitting thing ! Go look at that. It was great stuff. Go with that !


  8. raspootin (unregistered) on August 20th, 2007 @ 12:19 pm

    You point taken and made with your not so subtle sarcasm.


  9. raspootin (unregistered) on August 20th, 2007 @ 12:21 pm

    “Your” point taken and made with your not so subtle sarcasm.


  10. TheHottieMM (unregistered) on August 20th, 2007 @ 9:41 pm

    I loved your post. I am so laughing hard.



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