Oh no! There’s a Mexican in my Coke Zero!
Guess who’s back, back again, Shady’s back, tell a friend. Hello and good morrow to you my fair minions. I have risen from the flames like the mighty Phoenix. Father! The sleeper has awakened! Okay, now that the formalities are out of the way, I have returned to bless you with my magical words of terror and light. I am here to guide you. Follow me will you? Take my hand and we will dance the tightrope between reality and fiction.
Here we go…………..
I have been traveling. No silly, not out of town. I have been traveling throughout this city for the last 5 months. Yes, I have procured a job traversing the city to fix things that are broken. I have been blessed with a job that allows me to dig deep into the underbelly and back rooms of this god forsaken place.
It is very difficult to find the passion to write when you are not angry. Anger is an emotion that controls and allows you to say things you never would in mixed company. I have no anger; that is why I left. The anger has not returned, though I feel I must say something.
1. I saw Angela Hill at the bank. She’s short.
2. I saw Peggy Wilson looking into the window of a shut down bakery on Magazine St. I said” Chin up peg, Chin up.” She smiled and walked away very quickly.
3. I saw a big ass ghetto brawl on MLK and S. Saratoga in Central City. It was 1 in the afternoon. Does anybody work anymore? How do thirty giant black dudes find the time to beat the crap out of each other in the middle afternoon on a Tuesday? I have the number for Labor Ready if you need it.
4. I got dapped up Hawaiian style from some Hawaiians in for the Sugar Bowl. It’s just like a ghetto dap, but they put out their pinky and thumb at the same time. If you don’t know what a dap is, see item 3, and hang out there for a while.
5. There are as many Mexicans in Fat City as there are in Juarez, Mexico. No wait, I think one more just moved in. We win.
6. Yes, people who live in St Bernard below Paris Ave. are the scariest mother fuckers on the face of the planet. Just one full set of teeth. That is all I am asking.
7. I had never been to Venice until recently. It’s kind of like Venice, Italy, but with more water and lots of shell parking lots. You know those little white shells people use when they are too stupid to use asphalt? It’s a great place to visit if you need to fall off the planet or you need fishing bait.
8. I have gotten used to going into bad neighborhoods. I have to say the absolute worst is Central City. I think we should build a thunderdome around it and throw in some flame throwers and grenades. The last man to walk out gets a Greyhound ticket to Atlanta and an ice cream truck full of Fudge Bomb Pops. Have fun!
9. Oh, how could I forget? I went to Manchac and some woman asked me if my tattoos hurted. I said “yes”. She replied.” You men are pussies. You should try getting one on your cesarean scar.” Needless to say, I did not ask to see it. Ahhh Manchac. Like a shimmering turd floating on the cusp of annihilation.
All kidding aside, the SDT dude Sidney Torrez deserves the man of the year award. I worked the quarter every day from the New Orleans Bowl all the way through the BCS. This fucker has his shit together. I saw guys pressure washing the sidewalks. WTF? Did I die? No, its real my friends. If only we had some more people like him with a little money to make this place a little nicer to live in. All in All though, I can see things getting better. Yes, it is still a funk hole, but it is getting to be a less deep funk hole where you can start to see the light.
P.S. To the douche bag who threw a can of red bull out the window at the light on Esplanade and N Claiborne: You are a cock sucker and you deserve to drive that shitty Kia. I hope it breaks down on Oretha Castle Haley at 3 a.m. You sir, are the problem.
Okay, I’m a little rusty so piss off.