I haven’t seen any statistics on such, but I would bet the City of New Orleans contains more street derelicts per capita than any metro area in the nation. I have been to New York City and I have been to other great metro areas — but, per block, I say New Orleans has more. I’m not talking about the homeless, whose numbers are easier to track. I’m talking about the homeless PLUS those who have a place to crash but can’t seem to get past the booze/drugs/mental problems/whatever to put two and two together on a daily, societal basis.

Those of you would frequently pass through the intersection of Magazine and St. Andrew (the last one-way block of Magazine as you head Uptown) have seen Tommy. He’s the gnome-like man who often wanders out in the middle of Magazine to shake his cup at passers-by, sometimes stradding the white line before careening, pinball-like, back to the sidewalk. He roots through trash cans to eat, pisses on walls, shouts at people and, generally, endangers himself and creates a small, pitiful spectacle as his daily life. I don’t know Tommy’s story (and I doubt he does either, anymore) and I doubt I could understand a lot of it anyway, given his Dr. John-like manner of growlish Yatspeak. I had to shoo him away from the front of the restaurant this evening, since he’d seated himself at one of our sidewalk tables to dine on leftover macque-choux from the previous occupants. I told him he could take the food, but he couldn’t sit there — so I became a “fucking asshole” as he crept slowly away, corn dribbling down his shirt. He finished it up at a nearby trash can.

The cops tell who know him tell me Tommy has a place to sleep and is not homeless. They’ve been there many times — often to return him from a hospital trip after he’s been beaten severely when calling someone less tolerant a “fucking asshole.” Tommy is one of those many who roam our streets who are beyond reasonable help — likely due to a combination of their own bad choices, unfortunate circumstances and, quite possibly, simple biology. Every city has them, but I don’t think they’re publicly tolerated as much as they are in New Orleans (at least not as long as they’re physically harmless, as Tommy certainly is).

I certainly don’t want him in or near my business. But, at the same time, God bless him and those like him. Please.

Hello, I’m Craig and I own a business that is boosted by Jazzfest. That is to say my emporium is one that folks from out of town come to enjoy and partronize. And when I say patronize, I truly mean it — in a “yew are jest the kahYEWTest thang in yer apron an’ with yer hat an’….” etc etc.

Please do not misunderstand. Those of us who live in New Orleans are grateful for every dollar brought to us. I’d estimate fully 85% of the folks who are in town this week are wonderful, helpful, tasteful and otherwise affable folks just here to enjoy the music, food and general ambiance that is New Orleans. Thankyouthankyouthankyou. Seriously.

To the other 15% — please put on normal clothing, shut up and go the hell home. Right now. Thank you.

Our place has been fortunate enough this week to host visitors from Hawaii, Sweden, Great Britain, Germany, several Asian nations and a long list of various US states and Canadian provinces. Happy words have been exchanged all around and business cards passed back and forth and laughter traded and all that. It’s great. It really is.

….but please spare me from the oversized, Hawaiian shirt, Jesus-sandal, floppy-hat-and-cargo-short-wearing Baby Huey type (why do their wives always dress in this thing that looks like a baby’s onesie without the crotch snaps? Maybe they DO have crotch snaps. I’m afraid to look). We had a table of them this morning — and I wisely offered to run some errands instead of hanging around and telling them what I REALLY thought….

When you order a “dressed” burger, baby, it includes “all that crap.” And when you order a higher-priced, special burger, it includes even more crap (which is listed on the menu). Sending it back to have us remove crap makes us want to put crap on it that you REALLY don’t want. Seriously.

I got a delivery of fresh produce this morning. I had some myself and it was very good. So, baby, don’t tell me this lettuce is “a little past its prime.” So are you. Big-time.

This is a made-to-order meal for five people. It took 14 minutes to come to your table. If that’s not fast enough, St. Charles Ave. has a McDonald’s, a Burger King and a Wendy’s. Taste the New Orleans food tradition up there. Or, better still, stand in line for 30 minutes at JazzFest to get flaccid facsimilies of what had (maybe) been good food four hours ago. And enjoy it with the real Louisiana flavor of a lukewarm Bud Light.

Okay. Rant over. It’s just been a long day.

We truly are thankful for our visitors over the past couple of weeks. And, even for that 15% who negatively stand out, we’re grateful for giving us something to talk about and stereotype until next year. Really.

But damn.

I’m not what you’d call a political activist, but this crossed my inbox a couple of minutes ago, and I thought it was worth passing on. I hope you’ll consider signing the petition, whether you live in New Orleans or not.

Right-wing pastor John Hagee says Katrina was New Orleans’ fault. John McCain sought out, and embraces, Hagee’s support. MoveOn members are trying to deliver a petition to McCain in New Orleans just a few hours from now: will you sign?

Here’s the background: McCain wants America to see him as a compassionate, mainstream politician. So he’s going to New Orleans today for a photo-op in the 9th Ward.

But he’s still trying to shore up his right-wing base—so this past Sunday, he again welcomed the support of right-wing evangelist John Hagee, who said "Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans."¹

MoveOn members in New Orleans have organized an emergency rally outside McCain’s event today. With the media looking on, they’ll try to deliver our petition asking him to stop pandering to right-wing bigots like Hagee. They’ll announce an up-to-the-minute number of signatures, and we’ll have a real impact if we can say that hundreds of thousands have signed in only a few hours. Clicking here will add your name:

http://pol.moveon.org/mccain_pander/o.pl?id=12500-5148471-J6FuvA&t=3

The petition reads: "John Hagee continues to blame the people of New Orleans for the catastrophe of Katrina. Senator McCain: If you reject intolerance and bigotry, reject Hagee’s political support and stop courting hate-mongers like him."

This is not a gaffe or a "gotcha." Hagee has a history of bigoted comments and he stood by his New Orleans remarks just days ago.² And McCain’s strategy is intentional—he’s been working hard to court far-right leaders like Jerry Falwell and John Hagee, despite their hateful views.³ Even when he was pressed about Hagee’s hateful views, McCain said he was "glad to have his endorsement."⁴

Hagee’s words matter. Katrina was a terrible reminder of the consequences of bigotry and exclusion. People without resources, without political power, literally sank beneath the waves while our government did nothing.

John McCain is relying for political support on a man who preaches bigotry and exclusion, who spreads the kind of hate that allowed Katrina to become a man-made tragedy. While the media is focused on his New Orleans visit, we need to call him on it.

The more folks who sign the petition in the next few hours, the greater our impact. Clicking here will add your name right now:

http://pol.moveon.org/mccain_pander/o.pl?id=12500-5148471-J6FuvA&t=4

We need to let Senator McCain know that he can’t use New Orleans for a photo-op while still courting the political support of hate-mongers like Hagee. New Orleans deserves better and America does, too.

Thank you very much for all you do.

–Eli, Justin, Lenore, Patrick S., Anna, and the MoveOn.org Political Action Team, Thursday, April 24th, 2008

Sources:

1. "Will MSNBC devote as much coverage to McCain’s embrace of Hagee’s support as it did to Obama’s rejection of Farrakhan?" Media Matters, February 28th, 2008
http://mediamatters.org/items/200802280018

2. "Hagee Says Hurricane Katrina Struck New Orleans ‘Because it was ‘Planning a Sinful Homosexual Rally,’" Think Progress, April 23, 2008
http://thinkprogress.org/2008/04/23/hagee-katrina-mccain/

"Will MSNBC devote as much coverage to McCain’s embrace of Hagee’s support as it did to Obama’s rejection of Farrakhan?" Media Matters, February 28th, 2008
http://mediamatters.org/items/200802280018

3. "Hagee: McCain ’sought my endorsement,’" ThinkProgress, March 20th, 2008
http://www.moveon.org/r?r=3603&id=12500-5148471-J6FuvA&t=5

"McCain Gets Into Bed with the Religious Right," People For the American Way, February 28th, 2008
http://www.pfaw.org/pfaw/general/default.aspx?oid=25053

"McCain Woos the Right, Makes Peace With Falwell," ABC News, March 26th, 2006
http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/story?id=1779141&page=1

4. "McCain Flip-Flops In 30 Seconds: Hagee Endorsement A ‘Mistake,’ But ‘I’m Glad To Have’ It," ThinkProgress, April 21st, 2008
http://thinkprogress.org/2008/04/21/hagee-flip-flop/

Since adding the baby to our little family we have been searching the city for a new type of restaurant. We used to be looking for a bar with food somewhere with drinks and a good menu or damn good drinks and an ok menu either way we were not concerned so much with the atmosphere. As long as we did not feel as though we might leave the place with blood spatters on our clothes (though that can make for one hell of a story) we were pretty much good to go. Now however things have changed just a bit. The places we frequent for food and drink must be kid friendly. They don’t have to be kid oriented like Chuck E. Cheese but they need to at the least allow children through the doors. They get double points if they actually have high chairs in stock.

Finding these places in a city known for its drunken debauchery can be a little challenging. Ok maybe debauchery is a little far but New Orleans certainly hasn’t been known for its kid friendly aspects. That being said I also find a lack of high chairs in restaurants. We live in the Marigny and sure there are actually quite a few restaurants that we can even walk to that will allow the baby inside but if they don’t have a high chair then it is a logistical challenge to enjoy a meal there. Anyone with kids will tell you it is a bit of a challenge to enjoy a meal in a restaurant with the little one(s) in tow under the best of circumstances so making in harder on me by frequenting non highchair venues is not top on my list of things to do.

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A Jefferson Parish man tried to commit suicide Thursday morning by jumping off the Lake Pontchartrain Causeway but was rescued by the Coast Guard, authorities said….

The man, whose name was not released, apparently parked his car in the first crossover on the northbound bridge about 8:10 a.m., got out and jumped over the side, Causeway Police Lt. Curt Franz said. A maintenance worker saw the man jump off the crossover, which is about 15 to 20 feet above the water, and called police….

Police tried to rescue the man by throwing him a life ring, but he twice evaded the flotation device and swam about 300 yards away from the bridge through 2-foot chop, Franz said.

–NOLA.com

Dear Unnamed Suicidal Person:

As an environmentally conscious citizen, I appreciate your desire to reduce the world’s population. Clearly, overcrowding is an area of eco-concern in which one person really can make a difference.

However, in reviewing your case, I think I have identified several issues you ought to resolve before taking one for the Gipper again. Trust me: I’m a consultant. I know what I’m talking about.

1. Choose a different time of day: The sun is a cruel and mercurial mistress. In California, she provides solar power for homes, but in Florida she causes skin cancer. Here in Louisiana, she provides light to see, but in doing so, she also encourages complete strangers to get all up in your business–and by “strangers” I mean pesky Causeway maintenance workers. I’d recommend carrying out your plan at 2am. Just to be on the safe side, do it on a night with no moon. April 5 and 6 look great, fyi.

2. Choose a higher jumping-off point: I mean, let’s face it: 15 or 20 feet is basically the high dive at most swimming pools. Increasing the distance between you and the water will increase your chances for success–and as an added bonus, you’ll have a far more scenic view of the world you’re leaving behind. Consider using the Crescent City Connection, or the Huey P. Long, or even the Luling bridge in St. Charles Parish. South Louisiana has a longstanding love affair with bridges and is chock-full of possibilities! However, if those options seem daunting, you could also just look around your house for items to lift you higher off the Causeway deck. That 12-foot ladder gathering dust in the garage will nearly double your odds!

3. Lose your ability to swim: That way, even if you survive the drop, you’re still in good shape. It may seem difficult, but people unlearn how to swim all the time. Try watching another person drown; in the movies, that always causes some kind of mental block that does the trick. At the very least you should stop being such a strong swimmer. Swimming 300 feet in a two-foot chop kinda puts you in Aquaman territory. Ease up on that.

4. Consider other options: If you’re unable to carry out my first three suggestions but remain committed to the idea of jumping, try landing on your stomach; a good, hard belly-flop always stunned us when we were kids. Or eat a very large meal before jumping–possibly an anvil, or several pounds of cement. And although you’re clearly attracted to the water, don’t overlook the appeal of office towers and the sidewalks below them. Believe it or not, they have a far better track record of population reduction than bridges and water.

Anyway, I hope you’ve enjoyed this food for thought. I wish you all the best for the future. And if your first attempt was just a vain cry for help, and if it effects some kind of longed-for reconciliation between you and your teenage bride, don’t worry: you can always come back to this project later, after she runs off with the bouncer at the strip club she’s working in Kenner. It’s never too late!

Warmly,
Richard

While relaxing on my day off I was fortunate enough to catch the Keepin It Real second-line on Bienville today. It was a gorgeous day. It’s such a luxury to be in a place where you can experience a second-line in between cleaning out the cat-box and doing laundry. My neighbor and I shared some ginger snaps and did some booty shakin together. After enjoying the parade, Alvin went back to spraying pigeons off his roof with the hose and I back to my Sunday ablutions, both with the fuller sense of well-being that only a good dose of a brass band and its connections to your ‘peeps’ adds to everyday life here in New Orleans.

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Locals Mark Their Spot Along Canal, Ready for Endymion

I have been sitting out most of Mardi Gras so far. In fact, this year, I have been working more than usual. On Wednesday, I helped my friend who does production throw a gala bash for 800 people at the convention center. Colin Powell was the keynote speaker. It was a 15 hour day but this kinds stuff pays very well. It was fun to work with her again. It’s a hectic challenge.
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I received a gift in the mail today. It was a ticket from Jefferson Parish. They even sent me pictures of my car so I can put them up on myspace. I could go and try to explain why, but I think that would be a useless trip. They need to see the before and after to make these decisions. I can hear the storm troopers marching down the street already. “We are here to take your children and make you wear this gray jumpsuit. Thank you for visiting Jefferson Parish” This is the first step towards the dream Hitler always wanted. An eye in every house watching everything you do so you don’t hurt yourself. What’s that? Someone is knocking at the door. Hold On………………………………………
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I sit here in a spartan room. I have the television on in the background to distract me and I have come to a frightening conclusion. Does anyone else think the theme song to “Two and a Half Men” is the scariest fucking thing since the “Charles in Charge” song entered the pop culture world? Its chilling isn’t it? And then they do this creepy “Myeeeeeeeeeeeen” thing before the commercials. Disturbing.
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…On April 12, “The Vagina Monologues,” which has become a worldwide phenomenon, launching the V-Day project to end violence against women, will play the 17,000-seat New Orleans Arena with a cast scheduled to include Jane Fonda, Glenn Close, Jennifer Hudson, Ellen DeGeneres, Charmaine Neville, Salma Hayek, Rosario Dawson, Ashley Judd, Julia Stiles, Marisa Tomei and Oprah Winfrey, for whom Ensler is writing a new monologue.

April 11 and 12 will find the Louisiana Superdome interior turned into a pink and red vagina — “with a big vagina entrance,” Ensler said — as a setting for performance events, parties, parades, workshops, wellness and education programs, speakers, even spa treatments, which will be free to residents of New Orleans and the Gulf South. (Men are excluded only from the spa.)

For those two days, New Orleans will be “the Vagina Capital of America,” Ensler said. “We’re coming here to say that we should celebrate New Orleans, cherish it, protect it, just as we do our vaginas, and make sure it goes on and on.”

–Times-Picayune

You know, of course, that that “news” is weeks old. When I’ve mentioned it to friends, they’ve all said, “Oh yeah. I already have tickets.”

Honestly, how do I miss out on things like this?