Hail Ming!

Oh, I love trash!
Anything dirty or dingy or dusty
Anything ragged or rotten or rusty
Yes, I love trash

I’ve a clock that won’t work
And an old telephone
A broken umbrella, a rusty trombone
And I am delighted to call them my own!
I love them because they’re trash
- Oscar the Grouch

Now back to the show. Yeah, it was kind of a false representation of the truth. God if I see one more abandoned porch with a black dude playing some kind of instrument I’m going to go straight to Jackson Square and punch a tarot card reader right in the ass. Come on guys! Not all Orleanians can carry a fucking tune with a Jews harp or a garbage can lid. It’s not real. It’s funny how Bourdain showed the fisherman guy and a bunch of empty boats and docks like he was the only guy left on Earth. Go down to Buras and Venice and you will see there are thousands of well maintained ships picking up a shit load of seafood. Trust me those people smell like fisherman. That is proof enough.

The restaurant part was a false read as well. Emeril talked about what was, not what is now. I can see how most people would think every shop in the Quarter is devoid of customers. Okay, I lost my train of thought. Oh! The Chris Rose thing. He looked like two bags of shit on crackers, man. I don’t quite remember what he was talking about because my Katrina blinders went up the minute I saw his nose. I do have to say the poboy shop they were dining in is not that great. Old doesn’t mean good. That was a side note, I think. I only took two years of English in college. I left the place unmentioned not because I wanted to spare them embarrassment, but because I couldn’t spell that fucking name. Please don’t respond with the correct spelling, I could give a shit.

I went to Fort Jackson in Buras. Pretty cool. It’s not open yet, and all attempts at a clandestine entry were halted by that big fuck off moat built around it. I finally saw Ft. St Philip from the other side of the river. It’s nearly under water now. You can’t get to it. My great great grandfather fought there during the Civil War when the Feds came up river. He didn’t die at the battle or anything. I mean I’m here right? It was strange to go to a place where an ancestor was fighting for his life. I was standing where he was. Mortar and cannon shells dropping out of the sky from the Federal Navy ships were slamming into the river banks right next to him. I know I would have shit my pants.

These things keep me from leaving.

I have too much history here. If New Orleans was worth fighting for then, it is worth fighting for now. How many average Joe’s back then strapped on a rifle to defend their home? Not once, but twice, back in the war of 1812 as well. There is an aura in this city that consumes us and makes us defend it. Whether it is the Union Navy or CNN, we quickly snap into action to defend this place. That’s it. I’m turning into Chris Rose again.
I have to go now. Okay Okay. Summary: Chris Rose needs mental help, Emeril needs some sunscreen, The 9th ward sucks and always will, and dead guys at a battlefield. WTF?

I promise I’ll focus next time.

Peace out suckas!

Hail Ming!

i learned from you that i do not crumble
i learned that strength is something you choose
all of the reasons to keep on believin’,
there’s no question, that’s a lesson
i learned from you
- Hannah Montana

The strange thing is, no one in that sheep infested place ever put up a fight to keep the cameras out. I thought this was a Democracy? Now the Sheriff can just decide he is going to do something and do it? Who does he answer to? That’s what happens when you have someone in office for 800 years. They don’t ask permission anymore. Another strange thing about Jefferson: On tax forms and permits for businesses, you make all payments to Harry Lee, Sheriff. Now it’s the other guy, but still, this is pretty fucked up. Why does the Sheriff’s department have reign over property and business tax? Shouldn’t that go to some sort of Parish entity other than the sheriff’s office? That’s enough about that.

Could you imagine sending tax money directly to the Police Department in Orleans?
They would be in line at Sewell Cadillac buying up all the escalades. All you can eat red popsicles at every sub station. They would have gold plated guns and eat at Emeril’s every day. I just used Emeril as a reference, he can suck it too. But do you get what I’m saying? It’s all a little strange.

I was at Molly’s last night. I was recognized for the first time for writing on this thing. It was weird. Some friends of friends, well I’ll call them friends were talking about Metroblogging and they mentioned me to some other friends and than they found out it was me and it was kind of crazy and stuff and stuff. It was cool. I want a fucking pay check for this shit.

I went to Krewe Du Vieux the other weekend. If the girl on the back of the pick up truck is reading this, you dance well. You had “Kiss me I’m a Pirate” on your ass. I wasn’t dancing with you, because I’m not gay, but you were dancing on the back of the truck. Call Me.

Okay, I’m done for now. Not one of my best, but I’ve lost the mood.

As Always, I leave you with this thought

We fired our guns and the British kept a comin’
There wasn’t nigh as many as there was a while ago
We fired once more and they begin to runnin’
Down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico

—- Johnny Horton—-

Hail Ming!

Peace out Suckas!

I will continue with the local news theme. Two words. Dawn Brown. Okay, three words. Dawn Fucking Brown. Is she not the hottest nerd chick you have ever seen in your life? I want to comb her hair and make her biscuits.
Not in a creepy way, but kind of creepy. She seems like the type that would talk about science all day and then bring you a plate of hot glazed Tastee donuts and a six pack of Yoo-Hoo while she puts on her Princess Leia costume.
Ugggggghhhh! Gotta love it.

I think we should put molten lead in the coin slots of every parking meter in the city. I have received 4 parking tickets in the last three weeks. Where’s a bitch gonna park? I got murcked at the Boot on Broadway today. I pulled up and told my wingman to watch out the window for meter bitches. We were only going to be there for a few minutes to fix something. He went to the bathroom and not three minutes later there was a parking ticket on my car. How do they do that? This ninja bitch must have jumped out of the tree or something. She was gone. Like fucking ghost hunters, the chick just disappeared into thin air. I like the way the city lets you pay online for parking tickets. I have found a remedy for this. Keep the orange envelope and put it on your windshield every time you park somewhere. Decoy Bitches!
I’ll let you know if it works.

I saw that pothole fixing truck the other day. It’s like plugging a whale’s ass with an M&M. They need about fourteen more of those because my car is getting the shit kicked out of it every time I go into Lakeview or Mid-City.
If you want to go off roading; take your Nissan Pathfinder and cruise down Fleur de Lis at thirty miles an hour. Your wallet will embed itself so far up your ass you will think you just ate beef jerky. How much does cement cost?
Jesus h. Christ, go to Lowe’s and buy some peat moss or something to fill that shit up. Sidney Torres! Come on man. Get one less salon haircut and buy us another pothole truck. But get us a good one. I want flames and 22″ doves on it. That way the Neanderthals in Central City won’t throw rocks at it thinking it’s a magic dragon coming to turn off their electricity.

Okay what else? Oh! What the hell happened to the super krewes and their celebrity choices? Hulk Hogan? Helio Castroneves? Orpheus has Kevin Meaney too? Holy shit. Hey Orpheus! 1987 called and said they want their celebrities back. The boys from the Real World Sydney are coming too. What? They didn’t get enough ass in Australia so they have to come here and spread some Aborigine fucking vag disease down here? Endymion continues with the eighties “has been” theme inviting Kevin Costner and the Go-Go’s. Oh boy Cowboy Mouth is playing too? Holy Cock whores! I’ll have to bring my Jerry’s Kids change bucket so that giant retard Fred Leblanc can get the neck reduction surgery he has been wanting. Bacchus has really screwed the pooch. I remember as a kid seeing guys like Jackie Gleason and Kirk Douglas. They were huge stars of their time. I remember getting a Fonzie Doubloon and having a spastic fit like I had just uncovered the secret of the Holy Grail. Those were celebrities. Come on guys, get it together. I better see Mount Olympus fucking celebrities next year. What is Burt Reynolds doing? He’s cooler than Hulk Hogan. Hell, prop Evel Knievel’s corpse up onto Bacchasaurus. That would be something to see. Okay, I’ll stop.

I will be at the Krewe du Vieux Saturday night on Decatur. I will be the one handing out Tic Tacs and Lady Diana coloring books. See you there.

Peace out Suckas! (Thanks Termite, I almost forgot)

P.S. I heard this song on Fox radio Saturday afternoon. I was driving and turned to 99.5 and this Sean Hannity guy comes on with this song to open his show. This is the most fucked up republican jesus yahoo shit I have ever heard. No wonder the rednecks get all riled up and fuck each other in the ear.

Martina McBride “Independence Day”

Let freedom ring, Let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today is a day of reckoning
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay
It’s Independence Day

Hail Ming!

I have been traveling. No silly, not out of town. I have been traveling throughout this city for the last 5 months. Yes, I have procured a job traversing the city to fix things that are broken. I have been blessed with a job that allows me to dig deep into the underbelly and back rooms of this god forsaken place.

It is very difficult to find the passion to write when you are not angry. Anger is an emotion that controls and allows you to say things you never would in mixed company. I have no anger; that is why I left. The anger has not returned, though I feel I must say something.

1. I saw Angela Hill at the bank. She’s short.

2. I saw Peggy Wilson looking into the window of a shut down bakery on Magazine St. I said” Chin up peg, Chin up.” She smiled and walked away very quickly.

3. I saw a big ass ghetto brawl on MLK and S. Saratoga in Central City. It was 1 in the afternoon. Does anybody work anymore? How do thirty giant black dudes find the time to beat the crap out of each other in the middle afternoon on a Tuesday? I have the number for Labor Ready if you need it.

4. I got dapped up Hawaiian style from some Hawaiians in for the Sugar Bowl. It’s just like a ghetto dap, but they put out their pinky and thumb at the same time. If you don’t know what a dap is, see item 3, and hang out there for a while.

5. There are as many Mexicans in Fat City as there are in Juarez, Mexico. No wait, I think one more just moved in. We win.

6. Yes, people who live in St Bernard below Paris Ave. are the scariest mother fuckers on the face of the planet. Just one full set of teeth. That is all I am asking.

7. I had never been to Venice until recently. It’s kind of like Venice, Italy, but with more water and lots of shell parking lots. You know those little white shells people use when they are too stupid to use asphalt? It’s a great place to visit if you need to fall off the planet or you need fishing bait.

8. I have gotten used to going into bad neighborhoods. I have to say the absolute worst is Central City. I think we should build a thunderdome around it and throw in some flame throwers and grenades. The last man to walk out gets a Greyhound ticket to Atlanta and an ice cream truck full of Fudge Bomb Pops. Have fun!
9. Oh, how could I forget? I went to Manchac and some woman asked me if my tattoos hurted. I said “yes”. She replied.” You men are pussies. You should try getting one on your cesarean scar.” Needless to say, I did not ask to see it. Ahhh Manchac. Like a shimmering turd floating on the cusp of annihilation.

All kidding aside, the SDT dude Sidney Torrez deserves the man of the year award. I worked the quarter every day from the New Orleans Bowl all the way through the BCS. This fucker has his shit together. I saw guys pressure washing the sidewalks. WTF? Did I die? No, its real my friends. If only we had some more people like him with a little money to make this place a little nicer to live in. All in All though, I can see things getting better. Yes, it is still a funk hole, but it is getting to be a less deep funk hole where you can start to see the light.

Hail Ming!

P.S. To the douche bag who threw a can of red bull out the window at the light on Esplanade and N Claiborne: You are a cock sucker and you deserve to drive that shitty Kia. I hope it breaks down on Oretha Castle Haley at 3 a.m. You sir, are the problem.

Okay, I’m a little rusty so piss off.

The Feds failed, the State failed, and the douchebag in City Hall has failed. They say come back and rebuild your lives, yet they ignore those who stayed and waited to see how things would play out. The ones who stayed get no help. The Road Home is a joke, though these particular people had no claim to it anyway. The persomn who said “It’s a marathon, not a sprint” should be hung and chopped up into little pieces. This is a sprint morons. We need to get this shit fixed now, or everyone who isn’t a doctor or a lawyer, will be in the same boat.

Peace out Suckas

Hail Ming! The End

I don’t think anything could surprise us at this point. One term I am truly tired of hearing is “since Katrina”. It seems like the end of every sentence we hear has that as its ending.

“The lump on my ass has gotten bigger since Katrina”
” I don’t think the place will be the same since Katrina”
“This can of cheese wiz sure is expensive since Katrina”

Blah blah blabbidy blah. So what have we learned from this by now? Life goes on, people still suck, and its so fucking hot down here you want to stab stuff. Nothing new.

I’m selling my SUV to get a car that runs on June bug carcasses. I am going to start opening up til midnight to make more money. I hope it works or I’ll have to get a job at Intralox making o-rings or bottle caps or whatever it is they make there. The only thing making the days exciting are the fact that we hired back a guy who is totally insane.

I used to work with him a few years back and I hired him last week. His name is Ryan. Ryan is fairly intelligent yet his words sometimes get misunderstood. Here are a few tid bits from his vocabulary:

we are working together one night and he curses really loud and I know some customers heard it

Ryan: Fuck!
Paul: “watch your mouth the customers heard you”
Ryan: “MAn, fuck my mouth!’
Paul: “You want me to fuck your mouth?”

He was arguing with a coworker on night and said:

” I’ll wipe your ass with a mop! ”
Translation: ” I’ll mop the floor with your ass! ”

He was arguing over who was smarter and for some reason blurted this out:

” Whoever throws the first stone kicks the other one’s ass!”

Translation: He who has not sinned, cast the first stone.

You have to kind of know this guy to think it’s funny, but I told you I was bored.

Hail Ming!

The Indian man who owns the convenience store next to the restaurant speaks English perfectly as well as his native tongue though I have no idea what the language is in India. He recently learned Spanish because now 30% of his customers don’t speak English. Okay, I’m being to nice about everything. It is paining me in my heart to say good things about anything.

I hear the mayor is going to run for congress when Bill “Weezy” Jefferson gets booted out. Will anyone join me in a mass writing campaign to MAKE him run for congress so we can get someone else to be mayor? I never thought I would hope to see Massa Ray run for anything, but anywhere else than here is the best for all of us.

I went to Cooter Brown’s Saturday night. I accidentally put a twenty in the online jukebox and had 80 credits to kill. If any of you were there and had to sit through Motorhead and DEVO for three hours I whole heartedly apologize.

I forgot who, but one of the other authors wrote about Fiorella’s and having a bad experience. I have to agree, After I killed a giant cockroach sitting on the porthole above my head, I indulged in possibly the worst Roast Beef poboy I had ever eaten. The place was filthy but it was open. The onion rings were good.

Being recently freed from any obligations, I forgot how nice it was to see old friends. Mad props to Kizzo and Otto’s owner for hanging til 4am Saturday night. “The Thrill ” could not hang as usual. He gets drunk too fast.

I am going to start working late nights but will have the weekends off, so if anyone wants to come by the restaurant and hang out and eat we will be opening til 12 midnight soon. Unfortunately, my financial backers wish to keep the location of the place off of Metroblogging because I say some pretty stupid shit from time to time and they don’t want to be associated with my sarcastic bullshit. If you dig around you’ll figure it out. I will say that I hold the restaurant not responsible for any of the opinions or comments posted by me to this website.

Thanks for your support,

Hail Ming!

Feel the power, you see the energy
Comin’ up
Coming on strong
The future only belongs
to the future itself/in the hands of itself
and the future is
ELECTRIC YOUTH

- Debbie Gibson

These douchebags want your vote!

Apparently three of these wackos proclaimed they did not believe in Evolution. Brownback, Huckabee, and Tancredo
lead us to believe that the Divine One created Adam and Eve and we are all their descendants.

This my friends, is a total crock of shit. I think these Republican assholes think the Christian right is as strong as it was a few years ago. I wish one of these dicks would come out and tell the truth. I think that is what this country needs. Well, not one of these guys, they all have sticks up their asses. But one guy from wherever who could come out and say, “You know what? This country is fucked up and I’m going to try to fix it.”

You would think it political suicide to come out and proclaim one religion to be better than all others, but some people voted in King George despite this. We all know that no religion is better than another because they are all based on BULLSHIT! They are all fraudulent and contradicitve in sooooooooo many ways it is almost mind boggling.
To think it is now 2007 and we as a human society can’t get past ancient superstitions and myths in order to move forward as a whole. Stem cell research, suicide bombers, and abortion are issues either doused or inflamed by religion and it’s teachings. If Christians were truly Christians who devoted their lives to following the Bible word for word, our streets would be full of incest, human sacrifice, rape, mass executions, and women turning into pillars of salt. If Jews would stop proclaiming to be the chosen people, maybe the Muslims wouldn’t want to kill them all.

In which verse of the Bible does it say that human life begins at the time of conception? Is it the part where these ancient knuckle draggers describe the human genome and the concept of splitting cells? I don’t recall seeing that one in twelve years of Catholic school. These people had no concept of science and medicine yet 6000 years later, we still take their words over our own.

This is the great contradiction:

If we are all descendants of Adam and Eve, and Eve only had two sons, where the hell did the rest of us come from? How did Noah take two of every animal on the arc? I know we have Florida Panthers and Manatees and South American parrots that are only indigenous to the western hemisphere. Your telling me he floated around and picked up some penguins and polar bears along the way as well?

There is of course, the dinosaur issue. Or any issue involving fossils for that matter. If The garden of eden was first, then why are there archeological remnants of villages in China and Africa that predate Mesopotamia by thousands of years? I know these are the usual arguments that everyone has heard before, but I am not going to get too deep into the matter.

Come on, what the hell is wrong with us? We believe in all of these silly things yet The Easter bunny and Santa are make believe? Could Luke Skywalker or E.T. be real as well? Why not? It could happen. I could be from another planet. How would you know? It’s unbelievable, but according to the basis of religion, it just might be true. It is time for us to get it together and move forward and stop getting roadblocked by rules and regulations based on magic from thousands of years ago. I think were better than that.

If you are religious or a pastor or a diety from the seventh plane of argo, please feel free to debate me on this subject. Thanks for your support.

Hail Ming!

“Take this, all of you, and eat it: this is my body which will be given up for you.Take this, all of you, and drink from it: this is the cup of my blood, the blood of the new and everlasting covenant. It will be shed for you and for all so that sins may be forgiven. Do this in memory of me. ”

Wow! That sure is crazy talk!