In honor of the start of the 2011 North Atlantic Hurricane Season, here is a list of names that will (probably) never make it onto the World Meteorological Organization’s annual list:
High school classmate. Wallflower type. Barely heard from before graduation, never heard from after.
Although it would be funny.
Which would also be funny.
Which would be hilarious.
Though Ms. Welty was pretty feisty in her own right.
The name of an in-law and a favorite (name and in-law), but perhaps not WASPy enough.
Probably a shade too literate.
No one could live with themselves, knowing that their community had been devastated by a character from Magnum P.I.
Naming a storm after the Japanese art of flower arrangement seems poetic, but highbrow.
Though the headlines would be pretty good.
Because “kiki” is a slang term — in both French and Tagalog, I think — for “tiny penis”. Don’t ask how I know such things, just go with it.
Seriously: back in the day, I knew a girl who adopted this as her name. She wore a lot of black, which shouldn’t surprise anyone.
Though a very good friend has named his house that. I’ve a very good mind to name ours Mrs. Danvers.
Because hurricanes are hot, not icy.
Speaking of highbrow, right?
Though the idea of the broadcasters trying to get that one out of their mouths makes me smile. “Hurricane Panda…Pantera…Plantagenet…oh hell: storm’s a-comin’!”
Because in the entire history of Western Civilization, I don’t think anyone has named a child “Quelea” — even though it’s my favorite bird and the most abundant on Planet Earth (though in flocks of over a billion, they can destroy crops very quickly). If you’ve never seen them in action, behold.
Because it’s a brilliant Cocteau Twins song, and who would want to ruin that memory?
Even the World Meteorological Organization has a taste level.
Again with the literate references. Also the humorless Family Research Council would probably whine.
Because she can’t be bothered to leave Space Channel 5.
Although it would be badass. And Margaret Orr could draw a little mustache on the hurricane map.
Because enough is e-freaking-nough.
Because the Xtians would start whining again, and we just got them quieted down after the whole “Titania” debacle.
A fictional character from some very early Varla Jean Merman videos. Hilarious, but fictional nonetheless. (And so “very early Varla” that they haven’t yet made the transition from wax cylinder to YouTube.)
Because, as Mr. Willis once said, Zed’s dead.
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And in case you’re wondering about this year’s official names, they are: