Metroblog’s Political Picks

let's get political...political...I wanna get political...

Being raised in a fairly traditional Southern family full of former debs and closet alcoholics, my mother always tried to instill me with traditional social graces. Unfortunately, I never paid much attention to her, with the result that I was spotted walking and smoking (a major taboo) before I’d even hit the junior prom.

Ergo, she’d probably evince very little surprise in my choice of subject matter today. One of her biggest peeves, you see, was discussing politics in polite conversation, so I figured I ought to broach the topic.

Every other media outlet (if we of the Metroblog set can aspire to such lofty terms) seems to be publishing a list of their choices for the upcoming election. Being the responsible, politically conscious lot that we are, I think it only right and fair that we get to post our own slate of picks. I’ll start us off.

For 1st district state representative, most folks are betting on Bobby Jindal. I’m sure he’s a nice guy and all–once you get past the horrific right-wing, born-again blather–but I’d prefer to see someone in that seat who can really make a difference. Someone who can provide support for all the citizens of the district, not just the nouveau-riche jerks in Old Metairie and Mandeville. Someone whose penis is so small, he’ll be inclined to exert himself twice as hard on Capitol Hill just to prove his manliness. There’s only one man who can accomplish all that, folks: Al Copeland. Write him in, would you?

As for the senate seat left open by John Breaux, I’m kinda at a loss. Sure, David Vitter has some experience, and gosh darnit, he’s squeaky clean and very cute, but I don’t think he represents Louisiana as a whole. I’d prefer someone a little…different. Someone who stands out. Someone who isn’t afraid to say–or even sing–exactly what he means. Someone of color would be nice, too. You know who I’m talking about, folks: my vote goes to…that crazy black man on the corner of Canal and Decatur who wears the umbrella hat and a Walkman chock-full of Mahalia Jackson’s gospel favorites that he sings all day long. Now that’s a recipe for some national attention.

And last, we come to the presidential race. Frankly, I’m not happy with either of the current front-runners. GW is obviously a hideous monkeybeast who’s got his own “endowment” issues to work through. Kerry’s got the right idea, and his wife could balance the deficit with the change at the bottom of her Birkin bag, but I’m wary of his alliance with the manufacturers of Botox–in no time, I’m sure he’d be a mouthpiece for the plastic surgery lobby. No, ladies and gentlemen, my vote would have to go to the team of Bert and Ernie. They could serve as co-Leaders-of-the-Free-World and oil-wrestle every morning to determine who gets to play president that day. They’re certainly likeable–just imagine Sharon and Arafat sitting down with the two of them, discussing world peace and the Gaza Strip and the all-important “silent g.” We’d have this whole Mid-East problem wrapped up in a tidy hour and a half. Besides, if we’re going to have puppets in office, we might as well be honest about it.

Your turn.

6 Comments so far

  1. Skeeter (unregistered) on October 26th, 2004 @ 4:45 pm

    I stopped reading at “walking and smoking.”

    If this taboo wasn’t branded onto your hide, then you need to return to the park (the trailer park you ninny.)

    You can take the boy out of the park but you can’t take the park out of the boy !

  2. oyster (unregistered) on October 27th, 2004 @ 10:24 pm

    David Vitter is “squeaky clean”? Wow, that is an interesting belief. New Orleans working girls might tell you different.

  3. richard (unregistered) on October 28th, 2004 @ 12:26 pm

    Please understand: I’d NEVER want to imply that Vitter’s character or moral code is “squeaky clean” (although it DOES appear that he’s successfully deflected allegations of having a relationship with a French Quarter prostitute). All I’m trying to say is that the man has an unhealthy obsession with haircuts.

  4. Parker (unregistered) on October 31st, 2004 @ 12:21 am

    There is nothing wrong with having an unhealthy obsession with haircuts.

  5. richard (unregistered) on October 31st, 2004 @ 6:43 am

    I beg to differ, dear. I mean, Gertrude Stein and Coco Chanel were ALWAYS having their hair cut, and look where they are now…

  6. Laurie (unregistered) on December 5th, 2005 @ 8:45 pm

    Kermit the Frog is a much bettre’ choice for president.

    He’ll make sure the environment stays Green.


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