An Open Letter to the Editors of

Dear Old People:

I know you’ve had a rough life. I know that when you were children, you had to walk to your little red schoolhouse in three feet of snow, uphill, both ways, in July. I know that you could go to the cinema with a nickel in your pocket and a ladyfriend on your polio-shriveled arm, buy candy, popcorn, and filet mignon for the both of you, and still walk out of the theater with change in your pocket. I know that you scrimped and saved so that your children and grandchildren wouldn’t have to grow up farming dirt and eating stray turnips. You’ve made your point: you need a break.

But jesusfreakingchrist, people, can’t you at least find a couple of decent writers for that abortion of a travel website you host? This pablum-filled article on New Orleans is littered with every lame cliche about the city we call home, not to mention some rather startling inaccuracies. Namely, the French Quarter’s architecture isn’t French, it’s Spanish. And for goddess’ sake, they’re called streetcars, not trolleys. And frankly, I think the use of “swimming” to describe the preponderance of live oaks in the Garden District not just odd, but overwrought.

It doesn’t sound to me like this schmuck even visited the city. No, it sounds to me like he sat at home on his lazy, wrinkled, 87-year-old ass and pieced together some info from other crappy travel sites and from conversations he had over lutfisk with a bunch of his pals from the First Lutheran Church of St. Paul who had a one-day stopover in New Orleans on a bus tour last spring. (Hey, if he can stereotype, so can I.) I understand that you need something simple and exciting and short for your increasingly senile readership, but goddamn, that’s just offensive.

I’m gonna let it pass this time, but if I ever hear of you encouraging people to call New Orleans “The Big Easy” again, I’m gonna hop in my car, drive straight to Des Moines or Terre Haute or wherever you fuckwads live, and cut your flaccid, flaccid penises right off.

The Sturtle

P.S. No, I’m neither a member of AARP nor a reader of your magazine. It was Tyler who brought your hideousness to my attention. You can thank him yourself.

P.P.S. Yes, I’m switching to decaf now.

6 Comments so far

  1. Mark (unregistered) on February 11th, 2005 @ 4:23 pm

    Does this mean you won’t be a greeter during their national expo in New Orleans this fall?

  2. Dr. Mysterian (unregistered) on February 11th, 2005 @ 8:53 pm

    Actually, the architecture isn’t really French or Spanish, but a sort-of Franco-Spanish-Creole-Caribbean mix. When the city repeatedly burned down, the Spanish rebuilt it in much the style it had been, but with some changes to try and keep it from burning down again (brick between wooden posts, etc.) Otherwise, yes, the story is terrible. Does anyone really call New Orleans “The Big Easy?” And you’d be hard-pressed to run into Sweet Emma Barrett on Bourbon, seeing as she died in 1983.

  3. richard (unregistered) on February 11th, 2005 @ 10:21 pm

    Point well taken about the architecture. All I know is it ain’t “French”.

    As far as Sweet Emma goes, I’m not surprised. Given the hideous blandness of the AARP article, I’m guessing Monsieur Volz wrote it long before Emma’s demise and just threw in a mention of the convention so it’d seem timely–making the author not just old, but lazy, too.

    Which only goes to show that maybe LOGAN’S RUN was on to something.

  4. Mike Hoffman (unregistered) on February 12th, 2005 @ 3:15 am

    Mike Hoffman predicts that in 2025, the AARP will no longer exist – through pension mismanagement, the privatization of social security and the ignored dismal financial state of Medicare as a result of the hype over social security privatization – no one will be able to retire. This will result in the financial failure of the AARP and consequently will no longer allow them to do cheesy travel writing about New Orleans.

    Eat your heart out Dr. Mysterian!!!

  5. Dr. Mysterian (unregistered) on February 12th, 2005 @ 9:10 am

    Dr. Mysterian predicts that by the year 2050, one-half of all Americans will be in AARP, and the other half will be taxed 75 percent of their oncome to keep retired people living in gated communities with occassional forays out to Caf

  6. Max Sparber (unregistered) on February 12th, 2005 @ 6:56 pm

    I just noticed that our annoying author claims that Andrew Jackson “fought the last battle of the French and Indian War here”. No he didn’t. The French and Indian War was in 1754, when Andrew Jackson was still 13 years away from being born. Jackson fought the last battle of the War of 1812 here

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