Don’t need tea leaves to read these signs

Dear Abby:

I know you’re, like, dead and all, but I’ve got this problem, and I don’t know who else to turn to, but I know for a fact that I don’t like the looks of that lady who replaced you, so there’s no way I’m writing to her. I mean, her photo’s airbrushed to within an inch of its life, and really, who can trust a marshmallow with eye sockets? Could you? I never trusted that Doris “Vaseline-on-the-lens-is-in-my-contract” Day, and I’m not about to change my personal policies now.

Anyway, like I said, I’ve got this problem. I’ve been seeing a guy recently–kinda nice, but he could stand to have his ears pinned back. And I think he might be married. But that’s not important. See, about five months ago, there was this thing that happened, and I was in trouble, and the guy rode in on this white horse–a week late, but what the hey?–and rolled up his sleeves and stood in this really flattering light, and with a touch of something bordering on honesty, he said he’d see me through this rough patch. To be honest, I’d known the guy by reputation for years and I’d never really cared for him, but he’s got money and stuff, and I needed money and stuff, so I fell for it.

From the start, our relationship has been rocky. I may not be from Venus, but he’s totally from Mars. We’ve been trying to stay civil, to make it work, but now I’m getting completely mixed signals. One day he tells me he wants to make plans for a future together, so I take him at his word–I map out where I think things should go, I put it all down in writing and hand it over. Then he has the nerve to tell somebody else that I never got back to him with a plan. Um, hello? I called him, I wrote to him, I left messages with his secretary. Does he want me to tattoo it on my forehead? ‘Cause I don’t think I’m willing to go that far….

Then the other day, I was at this thing, and I met this other guy who turned out to be a friend of the guy I’m seeing, and I started talking about our relationship and when I was done, the guy was all, like, “That’s funny. He’s never mentioned you to me.” You could have knocked me over with a swizzle stick. Unbelievable.

So, it’s beginning to feel like the old fear-of-committment routine to me, but what do you think? Should I stick it out until one night Miss Beatrice down the hall hears shouting at my place, and the police show up and break down the door and find me dead, lying in a pool of my own blood, having been shot in the back of the head and partially cannibalized? Or should just I forget the guy and move on?

Found, Fucked, and Forgotten on the Flood Plain

10 Comments so far

  1. Tony (unregistered) on January 27th, 2006 @ 8:13 am

    Absolutely right-on, the best! Richard, you are certainly the highlight of this blog!(and the best writer!)

  2. renee (unregistered) on January 27th, 2006 @ 9:17 am

    tragicomically brilliant!

  3. Stacy (unregistered) on January 27th, 2006 @ 9:45 am

    I agree Tony!!!

    Richard…I’m on my way to New Orleans as I type this. I’m in a holding pattern in the hell they call the Detroit Airport. But there’s wireless, so’s not all bad..


    I’m heading down for BBQ Craig and TBK’s wedding. It’s IMPERATIVE that you attend because…I think it’d be great to meet you since you’ve kept me in stitches for the last 5 months.




    See ya there.

  4. richard (unregistered) on January 27th, 2006 @ 10:19 am

    Aw, shucks…. You folks sure know how to give a Leo the big head–and trust me, that’s saying something. Our heads are already pretty big.

    And yes, Stacy, barring wild elephant stampedes and/or a debilitating attack of beri beri, I plan to drop by le wedding. See you there…

  5. Stacy (unregistered) on January 27th, 2006 @ 10:25 am


    Can’t wait to see you there.

    I’ll buy you a drink!!

  6. Dan Frazier (unregistered) on January 27th, 2006 @ 10:34 am

    Dear Found, Fucked, and Forgotten on the Flood Plain,

    I may be dead but I can still smell shit on bread when someone serves it to me. Found, Fucked, and Forgotten on the Flood Plain the best thing for you to do about this guy is forget him. He’s a dweeb, a liar, hell he might even be the Anti-Christ for all you know. Run like hell….or better uet lock the doors and don’t let him near you again

  7. Leveetated (unregistered) on January 28th, 2006 @ 4:53 pm

    Best. Entry. Evah.

    Freaking brilliant. I always enjoy your posts, Richard. Thank you.

  8. richard (unregistered) on January 30th, 2006 @ 8:15 am

    Sorry I wasn’t able to get to the wedding–I tried my damnedest, and I had every intention of making it, but I just had too much work to do–work I couldn’t get out of :-(

  9. Stacy (unregistered) on January 30th, 2006 @ 7:48 pm

    I hope you are recovering nicely from the stampede of wild elephants, however, I should have you know, I was told that you are just afraid to cross to that side of Canal.


    Sorry you missed it darling. Maybe next trip!

  10. Katrenema (unregistered) on January 31st, 2006 @ 1:27 pm

    Here’s a thought….sue him. Sue him in Civil Court. You’re boyfriend is too powerful to have criminal charges brought against him. However there is a precedent for a Civil suit…Paula Jones v. Clinton….Yeah, that was another jilted chick who sued her man…and won…and the man got impeached…and the Supreme Court allowed the lawsuit. See where I’m going? There’s a precedent here…file a civil suit against him in N.O. federal court and let’s see if the Supreme Court upholds their first decsion…which led to the impeachment of a Democrat Pres…all because he got a hummer. You’re boyfriend has been much worse to you than his predecessor was his girlfriend(s).

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