Thirty-Something Men Trying To Get Laid…LOL

Hey guys, I’m Sheri a typical Southern New Orleans gal. I grew up in Old Metairie, went to Tulane and other private schools my whole life, got married, had a kid, and I’m now rebuilding my home since Katrina wiped it out. I’m extremely sociable and love this city. New Orleans just has soul and spirit, along with that open container law that always gets me in trouble whenever I’m visiting any other

Before I begin, I must warn you that I’m assertive, think like a male most of the time, and hate whiney dependent females. I also have a wicked smart ass sense of humor and I’m the mommy out of my crazy friends that I will often discuss. One of my best friends is actually a male and we went to Tulane together, but my tarot card reader believes that we were actually brothers in a past Needless to say, I’m always trying to help him get women and get laid, and now he’s even pissed off my 3-year old daughter by calling her “baby” to which she replies, “I NO BABY!

I’m a big little girl that goes on the potty.” Yep, Brian is quite the charmer and oddly enough a sucessful doctor…Clearly some people have street smarts while others just have book smarts. You’ll be hearing about all these fun adventures and most likely laughing till you piss yourself…perhaps you may want to grab a tissue or some Depends since this is going to be the start of a real doozie.

I would first like to address hetrosexual males that have been created into pussy’s over all this politcally correct garbage. Because of this, “we” as females are now forced to beg and plead for sex and most of you are completely clueless when we are coming on to you. I don’t know how much more blundt we can possibly be without stripping every piece of cloth off of our bodies and spreading our legs wide open, in which some of you would still have no clue what to do with us! Trust me on this one, I’ve had to give sexy direct instructions to some males and just told them afterwards that we’ll work on it together…LOL

Lets begin. My buddy Brian is out at a bar where he’s been talking to a female aka “Brick Shithouse.” The female proceeds to drag him outside the bar towards the car and snuggles up close to him and goes,” You know I really like you, ” while playing with his shirt. Okay men, what does this mean? Do you:
a) Reply thanks, I really like you too
b) Great, I love to have new friends
c) “What a coincidence since I really like you too,” give a sexy smile then begin to kiss the female in hope of eventually scoring for the evening.

Now in case some of you men don’t realize, when a female has had at least 2-3 drinks in her, usually the honesty/truth fairy comes out in which you will immediately find out whether we want to jump you or not. Next, if a female pulls you outside or over to a corner and tells you something like this, in female language we are letting you know that we want to make out with you and eventually have sex with you if you’re good with the make out session and we like it. Oddly enough, in my polling of men, most just thought the female meant “I like you as a friend” and gave them a nice compliment. This is why people are under sexed and pissed off all the time. Men, get your head out of where ever it is, get some balls and start thinking like a real man. We the females are the ones having to make the moves. Hell if I never made the moves or attacked any men so forwardly and blundtly then I’d be the 31-year old virgin that’s never been Oddly enough, once I introduced my male prey into the idea of sex, they caught on real quick and thought they won the

Yes we the females LOVE sex, and actually I believe we think about it more than you men and need it more than most of you men. Ever notice how good a Q-tip feels in your ear when you rubb it around…same theory, just way down there and you tend to moan a hell of a lot more in enjoyment. Needless to say, I’ve met this “Brick Shithouse” female and love her to death, since she’s a trip. As far as my buddy, I think the pleasure cruise boat may have set sail on him without boarding. I actually have plans to introduce her to some other guy friends of mine in hopes that someone will have a good time, since God knows I’m sufferring right now with a 3-year old in the middle of my bed…Katrina YOU BITCH! I long and dream of the day when I get my king size bed back, my daughter in her own bedroom, and get laid once again since the FEMA trailer sure in the hell isn’t rockin right

Please feel free to post all comments about this tradgedy I will call the Sexless, in which I’m the worst of the tragedy living in a FEMA trailer not getting If I tend to be edgy or bitchy at times, I will like to apologize now since I’m a complete bitch without sex, but you give me sex and I’m the sweetest and coolest female you’ll ever meet.

Later my fellow FEMA trailer residents, oh and I also like to talk about the musicians I know and go out and listen to, the restaurants and clubs around here, and living with a little person (toddler).

5 Comments so far

  1. jack (unregistered) on May 16th, 2006 @ 1:06 pm

    Wow, and I thought I was bitter. But even I’m not bitter enough to think that the problem is with everyone but me. There are any number of attributes that can account for my lack of a sex life, from sheer ugliness, to my rotten, abrasive personality…the list goes on and on. But you’ve given me new hope now that the problem isn’t that I’m an ass, but rather, that the female half of the human race are a bunch of bitches.

    Sweet. Thanks for the post.

  2. Covingtongirl (unregistered) on May 16th, 2006 @ 5:00 pm

    Jack, you may have a point.

    Welcome Sheri!

  3. Jim (unregistered) on May 16th, 2006 @ 5:31 pm

    “Oddly enough, in my polling of men, most just thought the female meant “I like you as a friend” and gave them a nice compliment.”

    Where did you find these men? My God, if hell froze over and I actually met a single woman, much less a Brick Shithouse, who took me outside a bar, showed a little more than a passing interest in me, toyed with my shirt, and said she really liked me, the LAST thing I’d say is “I like you as a friend.” Unless she has snakes growing out of her head, or is married (sorry for the blatant display of morality), I WILL pick up on the signal and WILL act on it. And I don’t know how the female of the species feels about it, but when I hear “I like you as a friend,” it’s the verbal equivilent of a knee in the groin followed by a cold shower.

    And the “Brick Shithouse,” she can snuggle up to me and play with my shirt anytime.

    It’s been entirely too long since my last visit to NO, and yes, although just a tourist, I do know what it means to miss New Orleans. My thoughts and prayers have been with y’all for the past nine months. I hope the people helping continue to do so, and the people that are SUPPOSED to be helping get their heads out of their collective asses and get on the ball.

    Finally, have done the tourist things (and have had fun, no complaints), but Sheri…can you turn me on to some local talent, watering holes, and eateries off the beaten path?

    And yes, it was a doozie of a post!

  4. Covingtongirl (unregistered) on May 16th, 2006 @ 6:11 pm

    Jim – that was the funniest post I’ve ever read!
    I’m still laughing!

  5. Mike (unregistered) on May 17th, 2006 @ 3:29 pm

    Funny Sherri. I think Jack may be on to something. We’re all asses and their all bitches, let the nookie session begin.

    The Qtip connection to female sex is fantastic. I’ll have to try a cotton condem on the next girl who pulls me out of a bar :D

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