I love ciders……really, it’s weird.

There’s a big Freret Street neighborhood meeting at 6pm. They want to address the gunshots frequently heard a couple blocks from my house. Second District has promised to be there as well as Stacy Head (man, she must have had a hell of a time in high school!) I was going to go; I should go; I’m not going. I have opted instead, to go to the King Pin for a drink. Is that the responsible choice? No, I think not. Do I care that its irresponsible? A little, but we’ll round it off to no. Besides, I’m sure someone will fill me in on the details. But still, I’m not setting a very good blogxample.

Thing is, I just don’t feel like tolerating other people. They can sit and plan and figure and come up with agendas to get things done to improve the neighborhood and that’s all fine and all. But lately, I just don’t feel like I have the mental or emotional collateral to deal with other people. Dealing with my own twisted shit has drained my account. And why should I spend time trying to figure out what to do because Thing One and Thing Two decide to shoot at each other. Isn’t that why there are police? And no one has been able to explain to me why the NOPD has to have eye witnesses before they can prosecute someone for doing something. It’s all very odd. Isn’t that what evidence is for? I don’t understand.

And all this lack of patience is what’s turned my being alone into feeling lonely. I want to meet new, and interesting people, hear their stories, meet their friends, have someone to go to dinner with or sit around watching crappy TV when there’s time; just someone to say “I dunno, what do you want to do today?” to. But I know what I have to do and what I’ll have to do for the foreseeable future: work on the shanty. And even that seems lonely because I’m trying to make decisions about shit and there’s no one to talk to about it so I just bore my friends with talk of floor staining and shit that even I’m not interested in. Even the friends I have takes an effort to remember what they’re doing so as not to seem inconsiderate. And I know they’re struggling to remember what the hell I’m up to.

I fear that as this all wears on, we’re all going to become more and more self-absorbed. That we’re all going to isolate ourselves in our own affairs and consistently take it all too seriously. Roofs, floor stain colors, cabinets, etc. Sure it’s important on some level; in the little microcosm of here and now, but is it worth what we’re giving up for it? In economics its called “opportunity costs”. I believe it is comparing what you’re doing to the better possibilities you aren’t doing instead. Maybe its just me; that’s the other thing with isolating yourself, you have no benchmark for comparison. When I was in High School I used to watch the marching band practice and yell: You’re all out of step – every one of you!! So maybe we’re all out of step; not with each other, but with the rest of the world. I’ve felt for a while that we’re all alone here, but this feeling that we’re all, individually, alone here as well is new to me.

So, opportunity cost: I’m sacrificing being a respectable member of my community to drink cider and play Golden Tee. I’m almost insistent on being alone and why I’m doing that makes me feel lonely more than being alone does. It’s, if nothing else, a very odd state of mind to find myself in. And on top of it all, I’m taking it all too seriously.

8 Comments so far

  1. Dan F (unregistered) on June 29th, 2006 @ 6:29 pm

    As in “Gives Good” ?

  2. Dan F (unregistered) on June 29th, 2006 @ 6:41 pm

    Sorry Jack I couldn’t resist. I posted before even reading further.

    We are not only isolated from each other because of our personal issues and the pain sometimes that being around each other causes. At least for me. Sometimes when Im hearing I lost so n so and this or that and the girl couldn’t swim I want to scream at the top of my lungs for the world to EXPLODE NOW. But we as a city are also isolated from the rest of the country. Those of us back on the ground, digging through shit to get to more shit or hammerin nails or talkin about recovery everyday are not in tune with anything else.

    I think we are all lonely Jack. And fearful. There are no ground rules or other situations comparable to Katrina for us to use and say, they made it, we can get our city back. It’s just not there.

    So we’re in unchartered waters and we see each other drifting by (no pun promise) in our own rowboats with no oars or paddles and as we look at each other we see the other guy doesn’t have any oars or paddles either

  3. Craig (unregistered) on June 29th, 2006 @ 9:38 pm

    I think you’re feeling too much outside pressure. I don’t think being a “respectable” member of a community involves showing up at neighborhood meetings or that kinda thing. I mean, it CAN — if that’s what you’re into. But look at what you’re doing….

    You’ve bought a house you’re trying to take care of and build up and make nice. Your previous post made clear you’re trying to do it right and get rid of any riffraff. It’s a time-consuming thing on its own. You’ve obviously got to work and get some income, so that takes more time. Between the two, you’re just not in the freaking mood to Make Nice.

    I don’t think it’s a case of being out of step. I think we’re actually all IN step by being out of step. I think the key is to realize that and not see each other as separate people in separate rowboats, but to see we’re ALL in rowboats and, as such, we have created a hell of a rowboat community. And, frankly, no one else has one like it.

    …so when you feel like Just Being Alone it might indeed be lonely. But I think it helps to realize lots of us are that same way these days. And it’s one of the things that galvanizes us and helps us reach out more than we might have before.

    Am I rambling here?

  4. Covingtongirl (unregistered) on June 29th, 2006 @ 11:38 pm

    I want to share something very special & dear to my heart.

    Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees & the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors & aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery & broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
    Be careful. Strive to be happy.

  5. MindyMoo (unregistered) on June 30th, 2006 @ 12:31 am

    C-Girl –
    That’s beautiful.

  6. Lisa Palumbo (unregistered) on June 30th, 2006 @ 1:23 am

    But I know what I have to do and what I’ll have to do for the foreseeable future: work on the shanty. And even that seems lonely because I’m trying to make decisions about shit and there’s no one to talk to about it so I just bore my friends with talk of floor staining and shit that even I’m not interested in.

    Boy, boy, boy, do I know how you feel. About the isolation thing, too, which I’ve managed to do, as well. I’m going through the whole house thing (decisions and any other thing I can manage as a girl with no experience in home R&M) alone because it’s pretty clear that people I’m closest to don’t want to be bothered or have enough of their own stuff to deal with. So I spare them. I’d like to spare myself, too, but somebody’s got to do what has to be done. And that’s me.

    So, Craig’s right when he says that lots of us are feeling the same way these days. It sucks, but you’re not alone.

  7. dangerblond (unregistered) on June 30th, 2006 @ 2:09 am

    Don’t forget that you are a writer and that’s a solitary thing. I have to force myself to be social sometimes (a lot) because I would usually rather be reading. But too much reading, writing and being home alone makes dangerblond a very dull girl. Why don’t you have a party? We can all bring our paint brushes and knock out the hallway for you or something. Or plant some stuff in your yard. Instant happiness and end of loneliness guaranteed.

  8. Laurie (unregistered) on July 1st, 2006 @ 5:12 pm

    My epileptic tail has always been out of step with the rest

    of the world-I consider it an advantage, and they’ll never get it.


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