The Good Ol Days

Ya know, all day I’ve felt like I was stuck in the last 20 minutes of A Clockwork Orange. I woke up and everything was as fine as it can be. I’m changing jobs, so there’s a little more stress than usual. I somehow forgot about the 3′ by 3′ hole in the floor right outside the bathroom, but I managed to get my foot on a rafter and not fall. Took my buddy to the airport for a little vacation back home to Chicago. That trail of tears back from the airport in morning traffic involved putting air in the tire three times and trying to patch it, but it just keeps cracking a little more and a little more. So I stopped at Lowes on Jeff Highway to cheer myself up. Hardware stores now remind me of when I was optimistic about this little shanty of mine. I watch people buy dry-wall and I dream of the day I get to do that. You can actually walk from one end of the store to the other and it’s like moving through the stages of grief. You start over with the roofing and OSB board, moving through doors and trim, to cabinets and appliances, on to bathroom fixtures and ultimately, landscaping and flowers. Seems like I’ve been stuck in the first isle for quite a while now and I look longingly toward the paver bricks, morterless, decorative walls and shrubery that will keep me from having to build a fence realizing, sadly, that I’m just not there yet. Sometimes I’ll stand looking around in the power tools section, (a subset of isle one) and think, ‘man, I’d sure love to get me a planer’. But I don’t, and I never will. I just end up buying more of those carpenter’s pencils that are all flat and shaped funny to work better on speed squares and such.

Anywho, I got done with all those festivities and headed back home to do some yard work. The grass was so high the neighborhood kids play ‘Lord of the Flies’ back there. Hell, who am I kidding, none of the kids in my neighborhood can read. They were really playing ‘Thug hides a body’. You’d see ’em out there at night…it isn’t good. So that’s when I find out that I’m more of an idiot than I previously suspected in that I didn’t go take the drug test I was supposed to schedule, “Immediately”! It was clearly stated on the paperwork, and it was even highlighted. And I thought, when I first saw it, ‘I gotta be sure to do that’. And then, somehow, I didn’t. So I go to call the place, after being unable to find the 800 number in the top right corner of the page in Bold type for 10 minutes, and wouldn’t you know it, my phone service had been interrupted. So I had to get online and pay that, so I could call, so I could set up the appointment, so I could take my drug test, so I could get a job. Apparently, I had exceeded my credit limit – the bill wasn’t due yet, but my proclivity for text messaging and running my mouth on the phone did me in. Frankly, it’s just nice to have a credit limit with anyone – Blockbuster turned me down for a card.

Finally, I ride my bike to the place on Prytania, note the aforementioned tire problems, and after waiting about an hour I get to go pee in a cup. I’m standing there looking at this cup with a little thermometer on the side of it, after washing my hands, emptying my pockets, and being told not to flush the toilet or run any water…And I’m just standing there. I don’t know why but I kept thinking, damn! Man evolves thousands of years, my own ancestors have been here for generations, I’ve been alive thirty five years. I went through all the trouble to learn to walk, ride a bike, not crap my pants, not touch a hot stovetop, learned to talk, learned to read, went to college, worked many, many jobs, had relationships, survived the military, survived Katrina; all that shit. And all that time has come down into the singularity of me standing there holding a little plastic cup about to have my mental agility, physical accuracy, and my life’s decision-making tested. I have to tell you, I just wanted to piss all over the place like a drunken yard dog and go home saying, ‘the sample’s in there’, gesturing over my shoulder on the way out. But I didn’t. I followed the rules to the letter, didn’t even get any on my hands.

I do understand about drug testing, whether I agree with it or not is another thing. But it makes sense. Jesus, I couldn’t find the damn 800 number, couldn’t remember to take the test ‘immediately’, didn’t monitor my phone usage so yeah, it isn’t like a drug test is out of line. Those who know me, know I don’t do any drugs and haven’t in a very, very long time. Not because they’re bad, but because they’re just not my thing. I know my writing, at times, suggests otherwise, but really, no drugs. And the times I did do any were so incidental as to not even make good stories. I don’t know that there’s any sort of existential lesson to be learned from today. I have to think today really doesn’t matter at all and it’s over now anyway. But if there is a lesson from today, I’m sure I’ll have plenty of time to mull it over, sitting in my dark shanty after the electric is turned off on Monday. The one thing I do know is this: If I ever look back at today as ‘one of the good ol days’ I’ll probably be trying to get my entire face in front of the shotgun at the same time.

*that shotgun thing is just a metaphor to make a point. So don’t go getting all ‘it’s a cry for help’ on me. It isn’t a cry for help, it’s a metaphor – and furthermore, it’s funny.

**it’s also interesting to note that the last time that lab tested my urine, I had to re-test due to the sample having to much water in it. I still haven’t figured out what in the hell that means.

5 Comments so far

  1. judyb (unregistered) on September 29th, 2006 @ 7:01 am

    Another day in post-K NOLA.

    Thanks for the morning laugh.

  2. Chris (unregistered) on September 29th, 2006 @ 8:33 am

    yep. my 6 month old fridge decided to stop working yesterday. just when things seem to be moving along, something else decides to fuck itself up and ruin my world. back to living out of a cooler.

  3. Craig (unregistered) on September 29th, 2006 @ 11:19 am

    We just got our power back on after going two days without. Seems when Entergy says “cutoff date,” now they MEAN it instead of just being a suggestions as per earlier.

    That said — it’s kinda neat living nocturally and in the complete dark — at least in these days while the weather’s nice. We’ve got a bigass ice chest that’s still half-full of Wednesday-bought ice, if you want to come borrow it. It’ll keep things cold for nearly a week.

  4. Jack Ware (unregistered) on September 29th, 2006 @ 11:24 am

    ah, at least I’m not alone. heh heh, I may need that cooler….I’ll let you know.

  5. Laurie (unregistered) on September 29th, 2006 @ 12:40 pm

    That’s enough!!

    Stop comparing hurricanes to cereal!!!!

    To patch the tyre correctly you’ll need an

    iron; there are lots of cool designs to choose from.

    Plant the bushes now! It’s fall, proper plantin’ time.

    Today is tomorrow already in Australia

    you’re way behind already mate.


Terms of use | Privacy Policy | Content: Creative Commons | Site and Design © 2009 | Metroblogging ® and Metblogs ® are registered trademarks of Bode Media, Inc.