Deep in the heart of Lexus

I’ve seen some interesting nationally televised commercials lately. I think we see them as nuisances that come on to interrupt something good, so we ignore most of them. If you look really hard and analyze them carefully, you may find the stupidity in them as I do. I have also come to notice a severe lack of judgment and class in some of them. Some of them are just down right disgusting. I have a few in mind, so you can check for yourself. Here goes.

The first violator is the infamous “Lexus December to remember”. Lexus is trying to say that you can save big money if you buy a brand new car for your spouse at Christmas. The car sits outside and has the giant bow around it and the proud new owner gets a big surprise when they walk outside. Is said person retarded? Did they not notice the $50,000 debit from their family savings account? Who gets a car for Christmas? A Lexus at that.
I got a car for Christmas once. When my grandfather died I inherited his 1985 Lincoln Town Car. This was in 2004.The other commercial shows a group of neighbors cheering as the wife gets her Lexus. Sure, I can see all the neighbors outside freezing their asses off to see Muffy get her new ride. That could happen. The other one has to the two guys trying to figure out who is getting the Lexus parked between the houses. Go check your bank account jackass. I think that will give you the answer. A better commercial would have gone something like this:

Guy 1: Hey, who’s Lexus?
Guy 2: I don’t know. It could be for you, or it could be for me.
Guy 1: I’ll go check my bank account to see if my wife bought it.
Guy 2: Don’t bother, I know it’s for me because I cleaned the garage yesterday.
Guy 1: I don’t think so, I went downtown on my wife last night for the first time in
twelve years.
Guy 2: Enjoy your new Lexus asshole!

Aaaaaaaaaaand scene.

Wow, rich people have all the fun. For us poor folks, there are other commercials to watch. Take Oxi-Clean for instance. A loud douche with a beard is trying to sell his magic cleaning product by showing you examples of what it cleans. Look really closely when he is cleaning the toilet. He wipes up what can only be described as pee stains. Pee stains? When did they start showing dried urine on toilets during family hour? Disgraceful. That shit looked real enough. At least the Tampax commercials have the common sense to use blue dye as opposed to red so every guy watching reruns of Family Ties does not involuntarily vomit into his Spaghettios. Shame on you Oxi-Clean.

The best new shitty commercial I’ve seen lately is John Cougar’s suck ass Chevy ad entitled “Our Country”. It starts out sane enough with pictures of American icons and happy places throughout America. Then, he starts to sing this: “from the east coast, to the west coast”. When he hits west coast an image of forest fires comes up. The he says “Down the Dixie highway” and an image of hurricane shattered New Orleans pops up. Then he goes back into his singing and images of happy shit. What the fuck is Chevy trying to sell here? “Thanks for reminding me about my shitty destroyed town. Where is the nearest Chevy dealership?” I don’t think this ad makes any sense. What ever happened to showing you the benefits of a product as opposed to the feeling it’s supposed to give you when you use it? This is proof of the uselessness of a marketing company. Are the people at Chevy too stupid to come up with a marketing plan? Obviously. They would rather shell out millions for that 30 second load of shit. Maybe put some of that money into building better, more fuel efficient vehicles, you ass-wipes.

Just when you think it’s safe to stay up with the kids to watch “A Christmas Story”, all hell breaks loose. “Girls gone Wild” comes on to show your daughter how to act when she gets to college in ten years. This is as close to pure nudity I have ever seen on regular tv. ‘Look honey, show your boobies to the camera and you will find a nice boy to marry.” No wonder why ten year olds are screwing behind the bleachers now instead of playing Cowboys and Indians. I’m no prude, but that shit is beyond viewing for small kids. I don’t know how they get away with it.

Let the buyer beware. If these jerkoffs are willing to humiliate themselves to make you buy shit, they must be trying to hide something. They think we are ignorant sheep. We buy the bullshit anyway and get pissed off when it doesn’t perform like we were promised. That is why they give you thirty days to get your money back.

I was given an early Christmas present today. It was one of those blue tooth wireless cyborg phone ear pieces that wraps around your ear. I think the design came from one of Optimus Prime’s testicles. Don’t be surprised when the guys push the big red button and the things start to drill into your brain core and make you a factory worker against your will. The social fabric of this country is falling apart due to email and cell phones and IM’s. Nobody really talks to each other anymore. This is the next step in the plan to make the herd become a group of isolationists. A single person is easier to manipulate than a large group. I graciously asked the gifter to return this hell spawn product from whence it came. The device not only makes you look wierd, it unnerves me when someone is walking by talking to themselves. People who wear them seem to be chach bags anyway.

I’m tired now, and must return to the caves. I will talk at you later. Peace out Suckas!

The end

Oh wait, New Orleans blog. Katrina, Katrina, Katrina, flood, contraflow. There, now its’ a New Orleans blog.

7 Comments so far

  1. Ann (unregistered) on November 29th, 2006 @ 5:04 pm

    “The social fabric of this country is falling apart due to email and cell phones and IM’s”

    you forgot teh Internets and blogs!


    p.s. I made some one cry today reading one of your posts – teh one about kids. We work with a looney tune and your spew made my friend forget all about the psycho at the next desk.

  2. Terri (unregistered) on November 29th, 2006 @ 5:32 pm

    Thank you so much for your commercial review! I’m a LA gal living in North Tijuana, oops, San Diego, CA and I thought those idiotic commercials were only shown here! It’s so nice to know that once I get back “home” I’ll still be able to view them.

  3. rickngentilly (unregistered) on November 29th, 2006 @ 11:30 pm

    hey paul p. you are the terry southern of the gulf coast.

    please keep posting.

  4. hope (unregistered) on November 30th, 2006 @ 1:06 pm

    Well written. :) That’s exactly how I feel when I see those dumbassed comercials.

  5. Jennifer LeBlanc (unregistered) on November 30th, 2006 @ 4:23 pm

    you are great :)

  6. jenn cal (unregistered) on November 30th, 2006 @ 8:37 pm

    A note about Lexus– Paul may have point about the whole idea of “December to Remember”, but if you want to buy one for Christmas I’ll hook you up. Big red bow and all! Look for the short blonde.

    By the way–I believe that if God(or the deity of your choosing) intended us to have loud one way conversations with ourselves he would have made us all crazy.

  7. rickngentilly (unregistered) on November 30th, 2006 @ 9:37 pm

    i meant to say the bastard son of an orgy between terry southern , charles portis , and lord buckly.

    so where is your joint?

    me and the wife wanna come by and drop a couple of double sawskis on a nice lunch.

    you got wine or is it a corkage joint?

    drop me an email.

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