Doctor Dan is in the Hiz-ouse

The lack of adequate health care in the New Orleans region has been a crisis for the last 15 months. In a recurring theme, local, state and federal officials are now concerned about our health, both the mental and physical aspects. Is a election occurring soon? That’s the only reason I can think of that the politico’s give a crap about something that everyone on the ground has been experiencing, again for what 15 months now? We certainly can’t let these folks die before they vote for me or make a contribution to my campaign is the line of thinking I believe.

No worries. Ray Ray doesn’t need to beg our Granny Governess for some help. Don’t need to walk around with your hand out Ray Ray. I’ve got this one covered for you cause Doctor Dan is in session, via the e-mail device.

SymptomsDr Dan, I’m having the hardest time getting over the storm. I’m just miserable all the time and my friends and family hate me now, what should I do?

Diagnosis– Dear fellow New Orleanian, I understand both your frustration and the frustration of your family and friends in regards to your attitude. My advice is to do the following: Find pictures of everyone you are angry with. Take those pictures to your local arcade and immediately find the “whack-a-mole” machine. Tape every picture you have to the “moles” and go to town. This should release your pent up frustration and become a cure for your misery. You may have to go everyday to the arcade. Sometimes you may have to go 2, 3, 4 or 5 times a day. If this doesn’t work, start drinking at noon instead of 6pm. Jagermeister is the best tonic for misery.

SymptomsDr Dan, I can’t take this FEMA trailer any more! What should I do?

Diagnosis– FEMA trailers have become a constant source of complaints for Dr Dan in the last year. I’ve offered many different prescriptions for this FEMA trailer ailment to really no avail. I haven’t tried this one yet though- start drinking Jagermeister at noon instead of 6pm.

SymptomsDr Dan, The Road Home program is quickly becoming the Road Homeless program for my family and me. What’s your advice for my wife, two kids and me? We’re living in the back yard in our tent.

Diagnosis– Ah, an ailment that Dr. Dan can handle. Ever see the movie “Young Guns”? If not, no problem. Think wild mushrooms, a fire and a big old pot of water. Smell the steam and then drink the mushroom water. The kids might see the boogeyman but you and the wife will think your back in college. If wild mushrooms are a problem, give the kids a bowl of Capt’n Crunch with Jagermeister instead of milk. And you and the wife start drinking Jagermeister at noon instead of 6pm.

SymptomsDr Dan, I just can’t take not having a working gas station or a grocery store in my hood. What should I do?

Diagnosis– Well this isn’t really a medical problem is it? Unless you cannot get to the store in time to buy more liquor. In that case, do as Dr Dan does. Instead of buying 2 bottles of Jagermeister, buy 4. You may have to go without food for a day or two but trust me that Jager will make the hunger pains fly fly away

SymptomsDr Dan, All of your diagnoses involve alcohol. I’m not against alcohol but it upsets my stomach. Any other suggestions?

Diagnosis– I do have a solution for you. It involves a little unsavory tactics though. Dr Dan has diagnosed himself with “glaucoma”. Now Louisiana does not allow Medical marijuana but if Cynthia Hedge Morrell can drive a 100 mph with illegal blue lights flashing I say what the hell to the law. I diagnosis you with Glaucoma. Now go get some of that weed and make sure to pinch me off a piece.

SymptomsDr Dan, my house took 8 feet of water. The roof collapsed before we could even get inside to save anything. My insurance company said the roof collapsed because a bird took a shit on the wrong shingle and of course we didn’t have that coverage so they denied our entire claim. I lost my job because I had nowhere to shit, shower and shave for four weeks and I started smelling a lil musky. The road home says that by the time they get to my claim that they’ll have 2 buttons and a “Vote Edwin Edwards” bumper sticker left over for my rebuilding. I’ve lost everything and the only thing I hear from our leaders are “It’s all good” or “Come on home and eat some red beans”. Well Red Fucking Beans ain’t going to get me my life back. Can you help?

Diagnosis– I have a term for this ailment. Anyone remember the Louisiana Hay-Ride? It was a radio show that Elvis made his first public appearance on or something to that effect. The ailment that you describe is called in medical circles the “Louisiana Fuck You Over Ride”. I’m seeing hundreds to thousands of these cases a DAY. Here is your prescription: When you wake up, take a red pill. Doesn’t matter what it is, just take something red in pill form. As this begins to wear off, probably around noon, take a green pill. After that one wears off, take a blue pill. The blue pill is key though. If you’re a single male, DO NOT TAKE THE BLUE PILL. You could have an erection that might last for 8 hours. If this applies to you, take a red pill again. If your married though, take the blue pill, the wife will LOVE you for it.

Oh and the most important part of this prescription is the following:

Be sure and wash down the pills with Jagermeister.

3 Comments so far

  1. Dan F (unregistered) on May 16th, 2007 @ 12:30 pm

    Nada? Zip? Zero? Zilch? Well at least I entertained myself

  2. Laurie (unregistered) on May 18th, 2007 @ 2:25 pm

    Thanks, it was fun:)


  3. Laurie (unregistered) on May 18th, 2007 @ 5:05 pm

    Sorry, have been behind on reading the ol’ Metblog. This was hysterical and absolutely made my day! Thanks for the sound adivce!

    I am only saddened by the fact that it’s already 5pm and I haven’t started drinking Jagermeister yet. I had been waiting until 6pm, but thanks to you, I now know what to do.

    ~Different Laurie

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