Dudes…

I walked up Magazine St. this evening to get something light to eat. Not “lite,” but light. I wasn’t very hungry, but figured I would be by tomorrow morning if something didn’t go in the stomach tonight. Then I’d be scarfing down biscuits and gravy at 5:30am at the St. Charles Tavern. Not a good idea, what with all the other bad-for-me food I’ve been eating lately. It’s R&D for the restaurant. Really.

Anyway — I was sitting out on the sidewalk with a little antipasti and some chianti. A lovely evening, with a three-quarter cornbread moon up there and just watching the ebb and flow of the local bistro society. It’s nice to see all the college students and the just-out-of-college folks enjoying themselves. The city needs mom and dad’s money these days — and we REALLY need it if you’re making it on your own. Good for you.

But, frankly, I gotta talk to the guys for a minute. Mostly, I mean. A couple of things for the women too. But mainly the guys. Dudes…
.

1) When you take a lady out, get a clue from what she’s wearing. If she’s in torn jeans and grunking it up, fine. But if she’s in a nice outfit, you need to also put a little effort into it. I don’t think she’s going to object if you want to stop off at your place and take a couple minutes to come up to her level. She might even think you’re a gentleman. A much nicer evening will be had by all.

2) Take off the goddamn hat. I love baseball caps. I wear one every day (ask TBK). But when we go to eat and we sit down at the table, the hat comes off. Even in my own house. Sadly, this is not just a college-guy thing. I see 60-year-old guys with the same problem.

3) Loud woo-hoos when drunk (whatever gender) brand you as a rube and a redneck. Maybe you are and you’re proud of it (particularly right then). Excellent. Hopefully you’re not wearing a shirt that brands you to a certain school or organization. If so, you’ve just made it look nine kinds of stupid.

4) Pink shirts don’t work on guys. I don’t care how old you are, what level of education you have or if you’re a 245-pound brawny linebacker with five championship rings on your fingers and thumb. Doesn’t work.

5) Pay attention to your body type. This is where it gets really touchy for men and women. But guys — maybe you still CAN shoehorn into those 34-inch-waist jeans. But if the front is at a 45-degree angle because of your overhanging belly, it’s not working. Go with the 36s or the 38s (or larger), okay? Turn sideways in the mirror to take a look. Ladies — just because they make jeans with a butt twice the size of the inseam doesn’t mean they look good.

Now — I know I’m going to take some heat for this. Those of you who know me know that I’m not George Clooney or Matthew McHotashell. Hell — one of my tooth caps fell out a couple months ago and I haven’t had it replaced yet so I feel like I should be walking around in shrimp boots and no shirt. But I’m doing my best to keep my mouth closed. I’m all for everyone having personal confidence in how they look, no matter how they happen to match up against the idealized folks there are out there.

But dang.

7 Comments so far

  1. TBK (unregistered) on September 28th, 2007 @ 10:23 pm

    HEY!!!! I like Shrimp Boots.


  2. kapaali (unregistered) on September 28th, 2007 @ 10:59 pm

    i’m with you on the cap issue. that drives me nuts when i see men doing that.


  3. J.B. (unregistered) on September 29th, 2007 @ 9:15 am

    People walking around in shrimp boots and no shirt is why I love New Orleans. Just add a top hat, and let your freak flag fly!


  4. Robert Sutton (unregistered) on September 29th, 2007 @ 9:41 am

    Do red shirts work any better?

    I’m not an fan of spam but I just posted a Metroblog relevant post about the KKK-ville crew, if anyones interested. Click here


  5. Ray (unregistered) on September 29th, 2007 @ 2:29 pm

    Fashion talk from a dude that looks like a Ren-Faire drop out?


  6. Dan F (unregistered) on September 30th, 2007 @ 7:52 am

    Just erase the 34 on the jeans and write in a 32…worked for Seinfeld


  7. Laurie (unregistered) on October 1st, 2007 @ 5:44 pm

    Leave my white fishing boots out of this!

    They’re comfartble as hell and convenient slingshots.

    Laurie



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