That’s funny, these cramps taste like chicken

I sit here in a spartan room. I have the television on in the background to distract me and I have come to a frightening conclusion. Does anyone else think the theme song to “Two and a Half Men” is the scariest fucking thing since the “Charles in Charge” song entered the pop culture world? Its chilling isn’t it? And then they do this creepy “Myeeeeeeeeeeeen” thing before the commercials. Disturbing.

I saw one of those Mackel guys from WDSU on Decatur st. I’m not sure which one he was, but I can appreciate a good jaw line when I see one.

I will continue with the local news theme. Two words. Dawn Brown. Okay, three words. Dawn Fucking Brown. Is she not the hottest nerd chick you have ever seen in your life? I want to comb her hair and make her biscuits.
Not in a creepy way, but kind of creepy. She seems like the type that would talk about science all day and then bring you a plate of hot glazed Tastee donuts and a six pack of Yoo-Hoo while she puts on her Princess Leia costume.
Ugggggghhhh! Gotta love it.

I think we should put molten lead in the coin slots of every parking meter in the city. I have received 4 parking tickets in the last three weeks. Where’s a bitch gonna park? I got murcked at the Boot on Broadway today. I pulled up and told my wingman to watch out the window for meter bitches. We were only going to be there for a few minutes to fix something. He went to the bathroom and not three minutes later there was a parking ticket on my car. How do they do that? This ninja bitch must have jumped out of the tree or something. She was gone. Like fucking ghost hunters, the chick just disappeared into thin air. I like the way the city lets you pay online for parking tickets. I have found a remedy for this. Keep the orange envelope and put it on your windshield every time you park somewhere. Decoy Bitches!
I’ll let you know if it works.

I saw that pothole fixing truck the other day. It’s like plugging a whale’s ass with an M&M. They need about fourteen more of those because my car is getting the shit kicked out of it every time I go into Lakeview or Mid-City.
If you want to go off roading; take your Nissan Pathfinder and cruise down Fleur de Lis at thirty miles an hour. Your wallet will embed itself so far up your ass you will think you just ate beef jerky. How much does cement cost?
Jesus h. Christ, go to Lowe’s and buy some peat moss or something to fill that shit up. Sidney Torres! Come on man. Get one less salon haircut and buy us another pothole truck. But get us a good one. I want flames and 22″ doves on it. That way the Neanderthals in Central City won’t throw rocks at it thinking it’s a magic dragon coming to turn off their electricity.

Okay what else? Oh! What the hell happened to the super krewes and their celebrity choices? Hulk Hogan? Helio Castroneves? Orpheus has Kevin Meaney too? Holy shit. Hey Orpheus! 1987 called and said they want their celebrities back. The boys from the Real World Sydney are coming too. What? They didn’t get enough ass in Australia so they have to come here and spread some Aborigine fucking vag disease down here? Endymion continues with the eighties “has been” theme inviting Kevin Costner and the Go-Go’s. Oh boy Cowboy Mouth is playing too? Holy Cock whores! I’ll have to bring my Jerry’s Kids change bucket so that giant retard Fred Leblanc can get the neck reduction surgery he has been wanting. Bacchus has really screwed the pooch. I remember as a kid seeing guys like Jackie Gleason and Kirk Douglas. They were huge stars of their time. I remember getting a Fonzie Doubloon and having a spastic fit like I had just uncovered the secret of the Holy Grail. Those were celebrities. Come on guys, get it together. I better see Mount Olympus fucking celebrities next year. What is Burt Reynolds doing? He’s cooler than Hulk Hogan. Hell, prop Evel Knievel’s corpse up onto Bacchasaurus. That would be something to see. Okay, I’ll stop.

I will be at the Krewe du Vieux Saturday night on Decatur. I will be the one handing out Tic Tacs and Lady Diana coloring books. See you there.

Peace out Suckas! (Thanks Termite, I almost forgot)

P.S. I heard this song on Fox radio Saturday afternoon. I was driving and turned to 99.5 and this Sean Hannity guy comes on with this song to open his show. This is the most fucked up republican jesus yahoo shit I have ever heard. No wonder the rednecks get all riled up and fuck each other in the ear.

Martina McBride “Independence Day”

Let freedom ring, Let the white dove sing
Let the whole world know that today is a day of reckoning
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay
It’s Independence Day

Hail Ming!

6 Comments so far

  1. Laurie (unregistered) on January 17th, 2008 @ 11:15 pm

    Brilliance! So glad to see you writing again.

  2. Fabuleslie (unregistered) on January 17th, 2008 @ 11:16 pm

    I remember waiting and waiting and waiting for Fonzie…think about it tho, are there really that many wow actors these days??? Or anyone an organization could pay enough to roll???

    Hardly can remember the last time I was truly impressed with any movie/role..maybe it’s because hollywood can’t get past the remakes…or because I don’t go to the show enough??

    Going to the Endymion Extravaganza…will let you know how those 80’ers fare.

    L from the old ‘hood.

  3. rickngentilly (unregistered) on January 18th, 2008 @ 1:31 am

    yah it’s all bullshit.

    please pace your self and keep posting.

    we need it.

    it’s like the bran and yougurt for my guts, for my brain.

    welcome back.

  4. paulp (unregistered) on January 18th, 2008 @ 6:43 am

    I guess your right about the celebreity thing, L from the hood. Dont think Im caving in because I know you. I can admit Im wrong.

    I guess Paris Hilton and those stupid pregnant Disney kids wouldnt be a good choice.

    I do like Rock of Love though, maybe Brett Michaels or Chachi can get involved next year.

  5. kapaali (unregistered) on January 18th, 2008 @ 12:14 pm

    The meter maids are harpies. They circle invisibly in the sky and can magically tell when someone halfway across the city has parked illegally for “just a couple of minutes”. They they swoop down, leave their orange shit on your car, and fly back up into the sky, laughing maniacally. They’re all going to a very special ring of Hell, one even lower than telemarketers go to.

    As for the krewes picking D-listers, I’ve wondered about this same thing and I think I’ve discovered the answer. I used to work in the Mardi Gras industry and I’ve met a lot of the bigshots of those krewes. In the seventies, they were young guys. Now? They’re a bunch of old farts and have no idea about what kind of celebrities would be cool to invite. Has anyone EVER invited Johnny Depp, for Jebus’s sake? I’d fight to see that parade.

  6. Lynn Brown (unregistered) on January 19th, 2008 @ 9:56 am

    Maybe they had trouble getting people because others were going to the Superbowl!

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